22 Year Old Son with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi There, Just wanted to introduce myself, have a son who is now 22 who demonises me.  He has told me he has been told by doctors that he is probably BPD and to be honest from the research Ive caarried out, most of the traits ring true.  Our relationship is very difficult, he seems to demonise me.  He wants me to wholly accept everything about him and I cant.  He doesn'  t work, he smokes canabis... .a lot. Our most recent falling out was because I told him he needed to wash as he has not been and he cant even get a brush through his very long tangled hair.  He is moody, unpredictable, dropped out of school.  He wont engage in medical help, he thinks he knows better than the doctors.  He is my only child, I also hate that a lot of the literature out there blames the mother... .

[Daisy67]

Hi There, Just wanted to introduce myself, have a son who is now 22 who demonises me.  He has told me he has been told by doctors that he is probably BPD and to be honest from the research Ive caarried out, most of the traits ring true.  Our relationship is very difficult, he seems to demonise me.  He wants me to wholly accept everything about him and I cant.  He doesn'  t work, he smokes canabis... .a lot. Our most recent falling out was because I told him he needed to wash as he has not been and he cant even get a brush through his very long tangled hair.  He is moody, unpredictable, dropped out of school.  He wont engage in medical help, he thinks he knows better than the doctors.  He is my only child, I also hate that a lot of the literature out there blames the mother... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Daisy67

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily  BPD is a challenging disorder and having a son with BPD isn't easy. Your son has been told by doctors that he's likely BPD, when did that happen?

You also mention that he won't engage in medical help and thinks he knows better than the doctors. Do you feel like he in any way accepts his diagnosis of probable BPD?

I can understand how reading literature blaming the mother for her child's BPD can upset you. Though parenting can play a role in the development of certain mental disorders, there are also many other environmental factors involved and factors such as genetics. How old was your son when you first started noticing that there was something 'off' with his behavior?

[Daisy67]

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for responding.  I am sorry my post was a bit rambling.  As with many of those on here, I am sure I have come a this board at a period of much turmoil !

My son started with some disturbing adolescent behaviour when he was around 15, this followed on to drinking, cannabis use, petty criminality.  His behaviour at home was intolerable, he stopped attending school, he is very bright and articulate.

Th doctors won't speak to me, he is 22 and told them I am not to be involved in his health care.  When I ask what to do, I am told that they understand and that things must be very difficult.  He has engaged in some health services, where psychosis, BPD and schizophrenia have all been mentioned as possible diagnosis, this is all he has told me.

A question I wanted to ask other parents, is, does it help in the middle of an "episode" to remind your son/daughter that what they are exhibiting is classic borderline traits, that this is there illness not real?  Thanks for any help and responses, I do hope I can help others too,

Thanks,

Daisy

[meantcorn34]

Absolutely no. It will not help to tell your son he is exhibiting classic BPD behavior. There are tools on the right hand side of the page that will provide you with guidance. What you can control is you. What are your values and boundaries? How will you enforce your boundaries?

I'm the mom of a BPD son 22 so understand what you're going through. My advice is to improve your communication skills with validation, and focus on you - stress reduction, boundary setting and getting out of the way of your son being responsible for his behavior and choices.

Glad you're here on the message board.

[Daisy67]

Thanks for response. I'm just so confused. I can't do anything right. I am going away for a week with my partner, I think this is heightening his abandonment fears. How do I settle things before I go? I tell him I love him, he doesn't believe me, he wants to know what I love about him, why I love him, says he has never felt love from me! I'm lost in how to deal with this. I'll keep reading the resources on this site though... .many thanks. 

[lbjnltx]

Hi Daisy67,

I'm glad to see you here looking for answers and support. 

It's normal to be confused because this is a confusing disorder.  The best way out of the confusion is to begin to wrap  your head around the traits of BPD and how they manifest in your son.  Once you understand this better you can begin to address his needs in a more helpful way.

It is quite common to get push back from our kids when we tell them we love them, my daughter used to tell me "no you don't" and "well I don't love you". If you are able to tell your son the reasons why you love him that may go a long way in him feeling your love and feeling some security.

Since abandonment fears (real or imagined) are at the root of this disorder it makes sense from your son's perspective that he would have heightened anxiety surrounding your upcoming departure.  Here are a few ideas to implement to help ease his anxiety:

Validate his feelings of anxiety and if you are even slightly anxious about leaving him it's good to voice that too.

Tell him when you are leaving and when you will be back (as close to the hour as possible).

Tell him that you will call him each day at _____o'clock to check in with him.

Tell him he can call you ____ times a day or text you _____ times a day if he needs to.

Between now and the day of departure do mention the trip and reassure him of the any of the items listed above.

Ask him to make a plan to have contact with others in your absence... .a friend over, a relative visit, a phone call to someone, a plan to do something if possible.

It is imperative that you stick to your word and follow through with what you say you will do so think carefully before you decide to tell him something.

Please do read the Tools and Lessons to the right of the page and ask any questions you might have.  We are here to help you end the confusion replace it with knowledge, skills and empowerment.

lbj