introduction

[woodland1]

Hello,

I am looking for help! My adult child has estranged from us as of January.  He has been extremely angry with me, mom, blaming me for emotionally abusing him as a child.  We have tried therapy for him individually, my husband and myself together and the three of us.  I have tried to make amends, apologizing in writing for the things I know I did wrong as his mom, which I did when he was a child as well.  He continues to focus on all the things I did wrong, telling us we have no idea of the daily hell he goes through. When my husband asks him what his daily hell is he says he repeats over and over in his mind the bad treatment he got as a child. He also has a substance abuse issue.  He continues to ask us for money for therapies, etc.  We have told him we will pay for therapy as long as it contains a family component and is one of the behaviorally based therapies described on this site (I did not mention this site).  He is livid, and says the only thing he wants is psychotherapy, as that is what a person does to recover from being abused.  What else should we be doing to help him get the help he needs and heal our family?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi woodland1,

We are glad you decided to make your first post and tell us some of the struggles you are facing with your son.  How old is he?

I'm sorry that he continues to hold onto the perceived hurts he has experienced as a child.  Apologizing to him in written form is a brave and caring thing to do for him and your relationship.  When you were in therapy as a family did this letter you wrote get discussed?

It's good that he wants to continue therapy. What kind of therapy is he asking you to pay for that you are opposed to?  Most adults in therapy do not participate with other family members except on occasion and I think that is probably pretty rare.  I can see why you want to participate as a family though... .being on the same page and holding each other accountable for the skills learned in therapy can be very very beneficial.

Have you been able to have meaningful conversations with your son where he feels like you hear him and understand his pain?  If not, maybe he needs some validation from you.  Here is a link to get you started learning more about validation:  https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

We are here to bounce ideas off of so if you want to ask any questions about validation we will help you.

How are you taking care of yourself through all this?  What coping skills might you need to help you have some peace?

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx

[woodland1]

Hi, thank you for the response.  My son is 25.  He wants to do in depth psychotherapy, although this morning my husband may have helped him to understand what we are suggesting to him in terms of more of a behaviorally based therapy that gives him specific tools.  So far the therapy he has gotten confirms and elaborates on blame as the reason for his feelings and seems to greatly fuel his rage.  Thanks for the link on validation, I will watch it later today.  He refuses to talk to me, and the last time he did he was extremely verbally abusive to me.  Mostly to help myself I have grieved, forgiven myself, reached out to friends and the therapists and other people I usually consult with in times of difficulty. 

Is there a way to encourage my son get evaluated for BPD or BPD traits?  Is that an important thing to do, or should we just continue to look for a good therapist that is not a psychotherapist primarily?

[lbjnltx]

Dealing with the emotions and thinking errors that accompany BPD is the primary focus of CBT and DBT (a form of CBT).  There are other therapies that are also beneficial to highly emotional people like Schema Therapy. I don't know that much about Schema, here is some info that you may find helpful regarding the different therapies used in the treatment of BPD:

www.bpdresources.net/top_articles/BPD_therapy.htm

As far as testing and evaluation goes, most therapists will want to make their own evaluation.  There are tests to determine the probabilities that a person suffers with BPD.  It is not recommended that non professionals (especially family members) inform their mentally ill loved one that they suffer from BPD.  It is quite common for therapists to not divulge this diagnoses to their own patients.

Here is a discussion about this subject: Why are therapists hesitant to give a diagnoses of BPD

Has your son self diagnosed or have you had conversations with him about BPD?


lbj

[woodland1]

oh no, I have not had a conversation with him about this.  I am not trying to diagnose him, just get him good focused care.  He has some traits, I can see aspects of them in our family as well.  As I said earlier, he is pretty much blaming me for all that he suffers.

[lbjnltx]

What do you think about the different therapy models used to treat BPD?

As you can see there are psychodynamic components to most all of them. 

lbj

[woodland1]

I haven't studied them in depth, but I believe they offer more constructive help in learning how to deal with one's emotions and thoughts than

straight up talk therapy.

[lbjnltx]

That's very true!  One of the more prominent therapy models is DBT which consists of individual and group therapy, some programs also have a family component.

Do you think your son would be open to the group aspect?  Young people usually are more receptive to peer support and accountability.

lbj