How do I respond... or should I ignore text?

[SueLee]

I have started a couple threads regarding my daughter. She was very recently "diagnosed" with BPD and I am not sure if she has had a qualified diagnosis or not. She does exhibit the traits. And over the last 10-12 years I could do a graph of highs and lows but all lows and all highs have been fairly predicable and she has never had an period significantly worse than any other time until her diagnosis. She admits to diagnosing herself and her therapist agreeing she found her own problem. I am not certain if this meets criteria for diagnosis. I  not doubting that she has it, but I do think over the passed three months she has been exaggerating her issues and I think she has researched this disorder and is definitely setting the bar high on raising cane. She has a double major and double minor in Phycology and social work. She is half way through grad school majoring I this as well.

Her new bf dropped out of med school and went into education but defiantly thinks he is qualified to diagnose. Since dating him, the BPD has sky rocketed.

She used to call me 3-6 times per day and send me an undetermined amount of texts each day. Rarely did I ever initiate phone calls or texts. Mainly bc I didn't have to as she always did, and also bc of the fear of saying something wrong. Through five years living away from home, she always arrives ravenous. For the first time since February she came Saturday. When she said she was near I said good dinner is almost ready. She said you are cooking? I said I always cook... .why wouldn't dinner be ready? She said oh we won stop for fast food then. (Mind you, I have asked her to stop before when we had plans and she refused) she came Saturday but for the first time ever, she couldn't stay here. She went to a hotel. She left early after we went out with family to celebrate Mother's Day. As always I asked her to let me know when she arrived. She didn't. I called.

Full voice mail.

After a hit she texted saying she arrived safe and forgot to tell me. I then texted her a couple things I had forgotten to tell her. No response. Before bed I said well goodnight, we love you. And I would appreciate a response when I text you or call. (We pay her phone bill) she responded just a bit ago and this was what she said:

I know I don't respond as often as you'd like me to. I know we used to call and text each other a lot, and I feel guilty that I'm making you miss that by talking less now. But getting calls and texts from you this often contributes heavily to my anxiety. I think that a couple texts a day and a couple phone calls or FaceTimes a week is reasonable for both of us. My counselor and I believe this will be beneficial for my treatment, and I'll feel more comfortable responding and talking if we limit it to that. This should go without saying, but it definitely doesn't mean I love you any less. ❤️

Do I respond? Or just ignore it. I never ignore her texts, ever. But I find it ridiculous she is limiting contact as if I were the one texting and calling her all the time... .also she has always posted very kind and sweet Mother's Day posts on Facebook. This year, this was her post:

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who does mothering and to the little one who gave me reason to celebrate this day!

I wasn't even tagged in it.

There hasn't been a change in our relationship or anything. Suddenly she got a bf and a diagnosis and presto this is what we get.

Should I respond to her text?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SueLee]

I still haven't responded as I really don't know what to say. I want to say, what little bit I contact you will not kill

You to answer me. Or some days I only text you goodnight... .it has always been you that heavily texted and called me... .but I know that is not what I should do and I won't. I just don't know quite what to say.

[Panda39]

I know I don't respond as often as you'd like me to. I know we used to call and text each other a lot, and I feel guilty that I'm making you miss that by talking less now. But getting calls and texts from you this often contributes heavily to my anxiety. I think that a couple texts a day and a couple phone calls or FaceTimes a week is reasonable for both of us. My counselor and I believe this will be beneficial for my treatment, and I'll feel more comfortable responding and talking if we limit it to that. This should go without saying, but it definitely doesn't mean I love you any less. ❤️

Can I ask why you just don't go along with it? Is there a reason you feel uncomfortable cutting back on the contact with her?  She isn't cutting off contact all together, just asking for less (and who knows she may not actually like less contact once she tries it) Keep your contact to a minimum and see what happens.

You might say something like... .I appreciate you sharing your feelings about the amount of communication we have.  I will be disappointed not to be in touch more but I will respect your decision.

[salal]

Hi

It doesn't sound to me like her request is unreasonable. Especially because she has a new BF in her life. Our experience with our own D27 is that "no news is good news". When she is having a happier period in her life, and especially when she has some new romantic relationship, we don't hear from her much and I think this is understandable and  normal -- even for people who don't have BPD.

Also: it is probably time for her to detach from her parents more --. You don't give her age, but I guess she must be at least mid-twenties.

The fact that she used the word "love" in the text is very positive. I would suggest that you respond in a brief, affirmative and loving way.

[SueLee]

I am fine with less contact, since previously it was always to ask favors or demand help. However when I contact her, and need a response it is normally for a good reason and rare that I ask anything of her. She is 23 and typically, no always, when in a relationship, she is closer to us and contacts more often to inform us of how wonderful it is. So this is a new behavior.

My problem is, she drives two hours home with our GD and I ask for her to let us know she arrived safely. She doesn't. Or I asked her to please text me a photo for her granad Mother's Day gift that only she possesses and she ignores me. I won't hear from her but tel her goodnight love you and no response. For five years I at least got a goodnight, even at her all time lows, suddenly nothing. Then yesterday that informative explanation. Which was pretty out of the blue, and I believe there is more to this than her BPD because she has had pretty much the same types of behavior and has never behaved like this before.

[Sunfl0wer]

I know I don't respond as often as you'd like me to. I know we used to call and text each other a lot, and I feel guilty that I'm making you miss that by talking less now. But getting calls and texts from you this often contributes heavily to my anxiety. I think that a couple texts a day and a couple phone calls or FaceTimes a week is reasonable for both of us. My counselor and I believe this will be beneficial for my treatment, and I'll feel more comfortable responding and talking if we limit it to that.

I don't know if this is also others experiences around here, however, this stood out to me as something that baffled me in the past, and a pattern I noticed with BPD persons that have been in my life:  I have noticed that some BPD persons, when going to therapy, as they try to open up their mind and listen... .they actually apply advice meant for them to others.  Especially at the beginning of the process.  It seemed to me that it was just too hard to self reflect at times, so they instead would hear things... .and instead of relating the things to how they can change their own behavior, they focus on others, and what others need to do so they can feel better.

I am wondering if your daughter's counselor is attempting to teach her boundaries and instead of her being able to relate it to herself, she is misapplying it to telling you what to do. It is easier for her to learn the concepts at first by focusing on you vs looking at herself?

My ex bf would do this, in couples counseling... .  The counselor would tell him to try to connect with my son more, make it his homework assignment for the week.  BF would then spend the week focusing on me and how much he felt I wasn't connecting with his D... .trying to project what he heard onto me from the session.  He spent the week complaining about and focusing on my r/s with his D vs focusing on making the changes T was suggesting.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think it is possible that her attempts to self reflect make her feel like "the bad guy."  Therefore she is now angry at you and taking it out on you that she has a need to make changes in order to improve the r/s.  If you make a wrong move, and react to her PA behavior, then she can go into the next session... .and spend it focusing on how she tried what was suggested, she tried contacting you less and seeing if she had less anxiety... .and she can report that it failed because you didn't cooperate... .that you made it difficult somehow... .and thus prove that you are the problem, focus on "your bad behavior" nxt session vs talking about herself.

When this appeared to be the case in couples counseling... .I learned the best thing to do was stay calm, never react to the constant provoking.  The min I reacted, it was "proof" to bring to T.  I spent a couple of months being almost perfect... .not reacting... .being consistent.  The T needed this from me, he told me I HAD to do this for him to be able to spend the session focusing on BF... .it helped T be able to get BF to switch focus back on BF. 

[Panda39]

I am fine with less contact, since previously it was always to ask favors or demand help. However when I contact her, and need a response it is normally for a good reason and rare that I ask anything of her. She is 23 and typically, no always, when in a relationship, she is closer to us and contacts more often to inform us of how wonderful it is. So this is a new behavior.

My problem is, she drives two hours home with our GD and I ask for her to let us know she arrived safely. She doesn't. Or I asked her to please text me a photo for her granad Mother's Day gift that only she possesses and she ignores me. I won't hear from her but tel her goodnight love you and no response. For five years I at least got a goodnight, even at her all time lows, suddenly nothing. Then yesterday that informative explanation. Which was pretty out of the blue, and I believe there is more to this than her BPD because she has had pretty much the same types of behavior and has never behaved like this before.

Okay so maybe you say (using SET)... .

Sympathy: I appreciate you sharing your feelings about the level of communication we have

and

Eempathy: I understand that you feel like it's too much.

Truth: Some of my contact is about you and GD getting home safely.  I'd like to make sure that some of the contact we do have going forward is that you let me know via text that you and GD made it home safely. (This is "Truth & setting a boundary)

Hope that helps.

[SueLee]

The SET response sounds helpful. I can see where she could be applying advice aimed at her to me (us)

The fact that she implies I am basically bombarding her with contact screams her typical exaggerating.

I am attempting to call, 1-2 times per month and she doesn't answer and typically a text sometimes two a day, tops. My niece texted her close to a month ago and she never did reply, which the niece only contacts her if she needs to inform her of something.

Her therapist is not trained or educated specifically in BPD or related disorders. I find into interesting how much she loves this therapist as all others were quacks and clueless. Thank you all for your helpful input! I find bits of helpful and encouraging advice in all responses!

[lbjnltx]

SueLee,

A simple response like "of course dear, whatever I can do (or not do) to help"

would be honoring her and encouraging her to own the stuff she needs to work on.

As Panda and Sunflower are pointing out, if you are absent from the dynamic you will not be an easy target for her to focus on. 

There were many times that my daughter was in trouble for her actions and choices and I kept myself out of the picture so that she would have to face the fact that I was not the cause of her pain, the answers lie within her.

lbj

[SueLee]

Very true. She won't be able to target me as easily. Our question of the day here is, will she and the bf last?

While visiting they were discussing wedding plans. Been dating 4 months (they say 6 months )

Our 12 year old D said last night I am curious if they will get married? It is all so soon! And they aren't engaged.

I said if you recall the last the last bf and your sister were making wedding plans too, after maybe two months... .:.

Young D said, that's true. Hmmm. And the last one seemed to make her smile and laugh way more... .but it just ended, didn't it?

It did. Abruptly. Everything seemed joyous and grand and just wham it ended. Is this also typical? I told her I don't think we can bank on a wedding quite yet... .::

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

PwBPD (people with BPD) fear intimacy... .the closer they get to someone the more reactionary they can become.

Here's some info on that:

Fear of intimacy

[SueLee]

Thank you. I will read that.

Quite often she flees the relationship always insisting the bf was too clingy... .can't stand clingy. Even if clingy is defined as talking daily and a weekly date... .her last couple of relationships the other half suddenly bailed on her. After acting totally gaga over her it was just I need time, or I need a break... .or it was too much too soon... .

[SueLee]

Yesterday afternoon D BPD23 texted me to ask if I had gotten her text? (The text that promotes this topic) I replied yes. She said why didn't you respond? I said I don't know, I guess I didn't really know what to say. She went into a long elaborate post about how she understood bc her text made me sad, upset and confused... .and how important her being validated was... .and how she needs to be understood. I replied I do understand, but I was definitely more confused than anything bc I had not been invading space or contacting her excessively, and I too deserve validation. And when I am concerned for their safe arrival home a simple text is a fair expectation on my part. And I told her I was working in validating her, but admitted I struggle with that bc it makes me feel like I am ignoring my own feelings and that it is one sided bc she doesn't validate my feelings. She asked what I knew about this and how. I told her I was speaking to a counselor, part of a support group and reading articles and purchased a book.

Her first response was what book? And then she said stay away from all

Walking on eggshells! And she went know frantic texts insisting what fraudulent books those are.

Then she said that support groups are misleading... .and was using very patronizing comments in regards to my efforts. She said what so you hope to accomplish doing this? I said obviously a better understanding of BPD and of you and your needs. Then she went off on how she is afraid I will spend my efforts focussing on her past. I said no, but that has to be addressed and dealt with. She said no. I said what you have done and out me through is still effecting me and I need to deal with it.

Se kept bringing that up and saying it shouldn't be discussed. Then hammering the whole childhood abuse thing in (which is all lies) and how concerned she is for her younger sister )no concern for her brother) and how dysfunction we are... .

And then back to the group and how I need to realize how misleading... .and what am I getting from it? I said peace of mind. It is nice to be understood and not judged. It is comforting in an odd way to read stories others share and see how remarkably the same their issues are.

She kept bringing up backhanded comments that basically placed blame. I said I am so happy for you and proud of you for moving forward and seeking help. I told her there is a BPD clinic near her and also she might like to find a therapist that specializes in BPD. But read and heard great things on the clinic. She asked if I was planning to go to the clinic... .I said no I do not have BPD so I don't think I need to.

She kept brining up her sister and I finally said you know when you scream at her and tell her how annoying she is and don't respond to her messages or ignore her calls it is hard on her if you are as concerned as you say, you might try a little to work on that. I know she is trying very hard not to annoy you, bc she doesn't deliberately try to annoy you.

The first time I said this she ignored me. The second she said she would work on it.

Not sure if this is progress or if counter productive. She definitely is still into blaming and being condensending. But in her mind she is basically all better, it is me and us who have the problem. **sigh**