Tasking via text... I think I will ignore

[formflier]

So... .yesterday... .my wife took a day off texting... .even about normal stuff.

So so day yesterday.  There were a couple things I think my wife tried to get me to bite on... .I didn't.

Ended up top notch with some nice intimate conversation... .just before bed.  I shared some feelings about my mom (it's a difficult r/s) and I thanked my wife for helping me with card and going with me to my parents house (all kids came too) to celebrate mothers day. 

We did it day late because we were in woods camping on the real mothers day.

This morning was good snuggle and she is now off to substitute teach.

So... .then... .the text starts going off.  This is what came in.


FF wife: Clean livimg room sweep n mop it this morning while girls r asleep 6:42 AM

FF wife: Mop kitchen 6:42 AM

FF wife: Bathrooms r filthy 6:43 AM

FF wife: Wake s19 hv him fix my laptop

I'm sitting here having some quiet time... .working on some issues on computer that take concentration and quiet.

My take is that I'm not going to mention these texts to her at all.

Other than bathrooms... .I had plans on getting the other stuff done.

Kids have bathrooms on chore chart... .wife seems to have decided to stop enforcing that... .again... .

So... .completely ignoring texts is not new territory for either of us... .

Thoughts on best approach?... .Ignore or say something back

FF

[EaglesJuju]

Is this common for her, to text you to do chores?

[formflier]

Is this common for her, to text you to do chores?

No... .she has done it some... .

Usually indicates that she is upset... .which is odd... .because she left in what I thought was a good mood.

Me being SAHD while she teaches... .(I'm doing job search and drawing unemployment)... .is still kinda new.

One of her favorite go to complaints about me is that I don't get stuff done... .yet she "told me" to do it.

No mutual agreement... .in her mind... .she tells... .problem solved... .she can go back to watching TV or doing FB... .

FF

[Notwendy]

I'm inclined to ask what is the emotion behind this, so soon after the Facebook thing. Is it wanting validation? The chore texts might be smokescreeen.

I agree with not responding to the texts emotionally, as that could be throwing gasoline on a flame. But not responding can leave room for the imagination.

Maybe something like " I don't know how much I can get done today honey, will do the best I can, love you, have a nice day. "

Then, if she responds with something negative or raging, just keep replying " I love you honey, I will try. Hope your day goes well"

She might be baiting you, but you don't have to bite

[Ceruleanblue]

I agree with NotWendy. I think that response is great. She can't say you ignored her, and you are working with what she wants. If she baits you further, you'll know she is probably just looking for a fight, or to vent on you. I know BPDh uses me to dsyregulate on as a form of stress relief. Not fun for me, and until recently, he felt no reason to change.

It's so hard knowing and having to think about what is going to set them off the least all the time. So tiring.

[vortex of confusion]

Do you think you can get all of those things done today?

Would it be possible to ignore the texts until you finish the tasks and then respond with something like "Thanks for the reminder. Everything is done."? Or something like that. Or, if you can't get it all done, respond with what you have done. You said you planned on doing those things anyway. Ignore the texts for now. If she says anything, respond with something like, "I couldn't respond to your texts because I was busy doing the things you asked."

[OffRoad]

My response would be: "Got it, and bathrooms are already listed on the kids' chore chart."

But that might not work for you. If you ignore, what will happen? If you just acknowledge with "Thanks" what will happen? If you don't get those items done, what will happen? If you sweep but don't mop, what will happen? If you acknowledge "Got it, and bathrooms are already listed on the kids chore chart.", but some of the items on the list don't get done, what will happen?

[formflier]

 

Well... .life happened today... .and took care of this issue.

In the military we called this OBE... ."Overcome by events... ."

My dad was involved in a car accident.  He's ok... .car most likely totaled.  I went and picked him up... .took him to dr appt he was trying to get to... .deal with insurance... .get rental car... .it was a full day.

Anyway... .the good part out of this is that my wife and I had some good together time after I got back from doing this.  We talked about my day... .she was empathetic... .it was a good talk... .about a tough day.

The text thing keeps coming up... .ever little bit.  Every couple weeks.

I'll have to figure out a standard response... .or  keep going with nonresponse.

Texting has pretty much been eliminated as a point of contention... .I hope to keep it that way.

FF

[waverider]

Its a power play to get you to either do as you are told, or to get you to react badly so that she can pin blame on you for treating her with respect.

I would respond but take it away from the specifics. eg "I will get some house stuff done after I've finished some other work I am busy with". That way you are neither jumping or being told what to do, nor are you ignoring or being "rebellious'.

Show you are being responsible for making decisions as to what needs to be done, and in what order, as well as actually getting things done.

Jumping on demand can set a precedent

At the end of the day these things aren't life changing tasks. You are simply keeping a household neat and tidy you are not sterilizing operating theaters.

[formflier]

I would respond but take it away from the specifics. eg "I will get some house stuff done after I've finished some other work I am busy with". That way you are neither jumping or being told what to do, nor are you ignoring or being "rebellious'.

I like this... .

While she can always make stuff up to say I am a rebel... .this approach would make it a bit harder... .

FF

[GaGrl]

I like that approach and working also... .good suggestion!

[an0ught]

Hi FF,

this is a control thing. You also mentioned she is off teaching and part of that job is to control the uncontrollables  .

You really don't want her to get into the mindset that this sort of thing works. That sort of thing shows a lack of respect evidenced by missing consideration for you and niceties like "please". These words exist for a purpose - signaling that the request is not controlling. But tell her that and every command will end with "please" and an unsaid ", or else!".  

I would handle it by unspecific validating responses (possibly with redirects) in unspecific time-frames. The latter is important as you don't want to give her instant satisfaction. The former is also important as you don't want to give her much satisfaction at all.

I like this... .

While she can always make stuff up to say I am a rebel... .this approach would make it a bit harder... .

What is wrong with being a rebel? Why deny it - validate it and thrive. 

You are not a remote controlled drone!