Enough

[salal]

Hi

I can't answer your questions or give you advice --- but I can empathize! I'm going thru the same thing with my D27. And today I was thinking about "ENOUGH" too -

I have had ENOUGH of her: the neediness, the rollercoaster, the exploitation emotionally and financially. I had expected that by this age, I would be free to live my life without such responsibilities and anxieties regarding (theoretically grown-up) children.

But I fear that she will either cut us off in a most humiliating way (if things go well with her boyfriend, with whom she is now going to have a baby) --or she will come back demanding that we continue supporting her -- and her baby!

But I was also thinking today that for her  - we can never do ENOUGH. In spite of all the devotion and support we have given her -- to the point of wearing ourselves out, alienating others in the family, and seriously eroding our own financial security  -- she is never satisfied, and will accuse us of being the most horrible people. We have supported her through college and law school - and it was WAY more than it should have cost because she is insanely extravagant and careless about money -- she deliberately destroys her possessions when she's angry -- and she also got us to pay for several kinds of cosmetic surgery because she has a gruesome Body Image disorder.

A few days ago, she texted me that I am just a "bitter old hag" --- because I dared to express  frustration over the fact that she will only talk to me or see me at her convenience --  which is usually inconvenient for me. (For example, she has refused to learn to drive. So it's always up to me to make the 50 min drive to visit her in her own neighbourhood.)

It seems at this point that the MORE we give her -- the MORE she actually resents and despises us. Heartbreaking ---

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi salal,

Welcome to the Parent's Board    I'm so glad that you are here telling us some of the feelings you have about dealing with your daughter.  You're right, the neediness is never ending nor what we do for them appreciated.  Being a parent can be a thankless job sometimes... .and all the time.  I hope one day your daughter will have a better perspective and see how much has been sacrificed for her as an adult to have a chance at a decent life for herself.

Do you think that it is time to set some boundaries and limits on what you are willing to do for her?  The experts say that when we do for our BPD kids that which they can do for themselves we are enabling them and we are reinforcing their belief that they cannot do something themselves.  Self esteem is built in part by accomplishing that which we did not think we could.

There is a very good resource recommended on this site in book form "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg.  It teaches the art of validation and how to use validation to keep our kids (and any other persons) problems where they belong... .with them.  By combining boundaries, validation, and validating questions we can learn to help our kids feel heard and understood, empowered to solve their own problems with our leadership and support while protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of.

Here is a review on this book and links to order it online:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0

Do you think information like this would help you better cope with your daughter and help your relationship with her?

lbj

[salal]

Thank you lbj

Right now I am not at a time when I can "read up" on things -- though Lord knows I have done so in the past. I have read about many mental health disorders, not just BPD. But at this time I'm coping with work issues, major home renovation, and health issues.

I think I just need some validation here - by reading the stories and concerns of others who may be going thru similar experiences. And - frankly - maybe I need a place to "vent" a little --- .

 salal

[lbjnltx]

We all need validation salal, sharing our stories and knowing we aren't alone does help.



Take care of you for a change!


lbj