What is difference in validating and complimenting your SO?

[formflier]

So... .I am trying to be a more validating person... .in general. 

Dubious results... .but... .I'm trying. 

What seems to happen is that I use lots more compliments.

Is that validation?

I'm not really complimenting an emotion... .

I've had the habit of public praise and recognizing good behavior... .

Leadership 101... .praise in public... .reprimand in private.

So... .anyway... .am I on the right track... .or did I miss some nuance in validation training?

FF

[vortex of confusion]

Compliments can be validating but not necessarily. Compliments can also be invalidating (especially when given with a certain tone).

Validation can take the form of a compliment, but not necessarily.

From the dictionary:

Validate:

1. To establish the soundness, accuracy, or legitimacy of: validate the test results; validate a concern. See Synonyms at confirm.

2. To declare or make legally valid: validate an election.

3. To mark with an indication of official sanction: The official validated my passport with a stamp.

Compliment:

1. An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation.

2. A formal act of civility, courtesy, or respect.

3. compliments Good wishes; regards: Extend my compliments to your parents. See Usage Note at complement.

tr.v. com·pli·ment·ed, com·pli·ment·ing, com·pli·ments

1. To pay a compliment to.

2. To show fondness, regard, or respect for by giving a gift or performing a favor.

When validating something somebody said/or did, it is pretty much taking notice. It is saying, "Yes, I hear that you feel/think/whatever." It is basically helping the person to feel that whatever it that they are feeling is valid. It is like a stamp of approval. I can friggin' hate what I am hearing or seeing but still validate that the other person feels/thinks/whatever.

When complimenting something, you are expressing some kind of admiration for something. It is saying, "I really like what you did/said/wore/whatever." If a person needs others to take notice and say nice things to them, then compliments can serve as a form of validation.

[waverider]

Validation is reassurance of their rights to see, feel, think

Compliments are rewards for the efforts, achievements, and results.

Though there is a grey cossover area

[Notwendy]

Yes, to me validation is being seen and heard for who I am.

Compliments are nice but they are not necessarily validation. They tend to validate accomplishments, or appearance, but not always the person for who that person is.

One example is how I grew up with BPD mom. I was "complimented" for doing things that in a sense, validated her- made her look good. I was complimented when I looked pretty, or made good grades. She saw me as an extension of herself and so these things made her feel good. However, these were fleeting because if she believed that I could make her look good, validate her, then she also believed that I could also make her look bad- invalidate her when I didn't live up to her expectations.

No matter how many compliments I could get from her, she doesn't know me. She can't see me. I wanted her to love me when I was good, and also when I disappointed her, when I looked good and when I looked bad. I wanted unconditional love, but being complimented isn't that.

My H compliments me a lot. I like that. However, when I speak to him, I want him to hear me, not what he thinks I am saying. If I cry or disappoint him, I want him to understand that I tried anyway. I want him to hold me when I cry and not get angry because he thinks I am insulting him. I want him to see me, know me- as the human I am- with all my good points and flaws. I want to do the same for him.

That's validation to me.

[formflier]

 

Thanks for input.

So... .I think I need to tweak my listening... .or my asking to find out more of who my wife is.

Lots of times questions are countered with questions... .so... .this could be difficult... .but I will try some more.

Anyway... .I'm looking for ideas and suggestions for a guy that has a habit of complimenting... .and when I put forth effort to become more validating... .it seems to result in more compliments.

This morning... .my wife was frustrated about not finding a shirt she wanted to wear to work. 

We seemed to be getting along just fine.

I was feeding kids and when she came down... .she had totally changed to another outfit.  And looked great.  I gave her hug from behind... .kissed her cheek and told her she looked great. 

When she mentioned she couldn't find her shirt... .I said something along lines of "hmm... .that's frustrating... ."  She had asked if I remembered seeing it... .so after saying it was frustrating... .I asked her about the shirt... .and honestly don't know the one she is talking about.  I helped her look around a little and then went to feed kids.

Thoughts on what I could have done differently... .if I want to be a validating guy?

FF

[Notwendy]

I think helping her find her shirt was awesome.

You didn't try to fix the problem by telling her to wear something else. Helping her find it meant that you were truly interested in her feelings about it missing. This would be validating to me.

We all have our strong and weak points. My H is visual- I'm sure you as a military guy are too. Eye to detail is an important skill. I'm a bit of a space cadet when it comes to objects, but I see people. That is a skill I honed as a kid when I had to gage mom's moods. One could say my home was an emotional battlefield and I had to be an expert at reading feelings, but I can be so focused on that - that I can misplace things.

If I misplace something in the house, my H used to laugh at me. He thought is was ridiculous that anyone would do that. I thought it was unfortunate that he can't see that this is hurtful to someone who does this. It means the world to me when he helps me look. I have also gotten better at keeping track of things so as not to irritate him. I think validating includes understanding each other, and not judging, so yes, helping her find the shirt is great!

[GaGrl]

I had to laugh at this!  My DH, who is 24K Gold, is triggered when I can't find something in my closet.  He is also former military (Army Infantry officer).  His side of the closet is impeccable.  He also has significantly fewer clothes than do I -- he wears business casual most of the time now, and I'm still playing the corporate game.  In addition, he's the one who takes and picks up dry cleaning.

So when I said I couldn't find a blouse the other day, DH was triggered and (while unsuccessfully helping me find the blouse), said, "Well, you have too many clothes."  And I felt invalidated... .that wasn't the conversation I needed to have at that moment.

Trigger #1 -- His ex, the uBPD/NPD we refer to as The Dark Princess, had too many clothes and was a hoarder/never threw out an item of clothing unless it fell apart.

Trigger #2 -- My side of the closet is chaotic, and his is neat.

Trigger #3  -- He absolutely KNEW he brought the blouse home from the dry cleaner and doesn't like to question his own sanity.

Trigger #4 -- He really doesn't like it when he can't help me (his love language is acts of service).


So even those we consider close to perfection can get triggered in a hurry.

P.S.  I found the blouse; it was squished between other clothes and still in the dry cleaning bag with another blouse.

[formflier]

 

He sounds a lot like me... .I'm retired Navy officer.

FF

[GaGrl]

He sounds a lot like me... .I'm retired Navy officer.

FF

I see many similarities in reading your posts, FF.  My DH had a very different experience with his ex -- but what they had in common, and what kept him with her as long as it did, was their children.  I think now DH realizes that the children were damaged at TDP's degree of dysfunctionality -- she is NPD as well as BPD, with sex used as manipulation to get what she wanted, and it wasn't with DH; the children were exposed to far too much of her blatant infidelities and behaviors.  But on the military life side, there was limited action he could take when she simply refused to go with him to the next posting, and that happened multiple times over his career.

[formflier]

Luckily for me... .it doesn't seem like my wife is "as bad" as she was... .or many others on here.

She is very high functioning... .

FF

[Stalwart]

On an interpersonal perspective alone: I find complimenting negates the need to validate because it reduces personally related conflicts resulting from insecurity.

I was never much on Leadership 101, it should have stopped short after ... .praise in public, or continued on with praise even more dilligently in private. Positive begets positive.

Just saying.

Hope you your way on this adventure formflier.

[byfaith]

read everyones posts... .good stuff. I like what VOC posted with the definitions. Ok, I validated a lot of what my wife felt this past weekend even though I don't agree with most of it.

If you validate someone that does not mean you make them think you always agree with them, correct?

Somethings I can see why and how she can feel the way she does, would I feel bad over the same things at times? yes, but would I go to the extremes she goes to to, No

Do I feel invalidated by my uBPDw? most of the time…

what do you do when your wife whispers in your ear " if you don't take up for me this weekend, I will kill you" it was creepy man! I even told her a couple days later how it made me feel. The reason I brought it up is that she said she thought maybe she had homicidal tendencies…Just joking? we were BUT…dang. I don't need to watch anymore investigation ID channel

[formflier]

what do you do when your wife whispers in your ear " if you don't take up for me this weekend, I will kill you" it was creepy man! I even told her a couple days later how it made me feel. The reason I brought it up is that she said she thought maybe she had homicidal tendencies…Just joking? we were BUT…dang. I don't need to watch anymore investigation ID channel

Good reason to not joke about stuff like that... .it can get weird quick... .and not be funny... .at all.

Luckily... .the one weird whisper I got... .that was in public... .I think I reacted good to it... .and it has never been repeated.

In church... .my wife started stroking my neck and head (like in a making out way... .) and whispers in my ear... .in a weird... .yet sexually charged way... ."kiss me now or our marriage is over... ."

She was trying to put on a show for women she thought were after me... .or I was after them... .or some silliness.

Anyway... .I got up and walked out of church... .people stared... .she got up and walked after me. 

What I think I communicated to her... .through this and other times she threatened me... .is that threats don't work.

Lucikly... .they are all but gone from our r/s now!  Not sure I can remember last time

[vortex of confusion]

I was poking around the BPD site and came across this link about an "Invalidating Environment". www.BPD.about.com/od/environmentalcausesorBPD/a/Invalidate.htm

It made me think about this thread because it has a good summary of Validation vs. Praise and includes an explanation of how Praise (or compliments) can be invalidating. I thought it was worth sharing as it might spark more discussion on the topic.

[an0ught]

Validation is about the other person.

Compliments have often a judgmental aspect to it, relating to external reference points.

Validation of positive stuff usually gets taken care by itself. What is however really, really important with pwBPD is to validate negative emotions and situations. It can be validating to say "This morning you seem grumpy and don't want to talk one word.".