My 26 year old son may be moving back home

[kelti1972]

Today our son told me about his very heavy therapy session.  He said that his therapist feels very strongly about him getting a part-time job, so he can continue therapy and start DBT once a week for at least a year.  My husband suggested my son see if he could ask the company he had a full-time job with for a year extenstion while he works on himself.

I have feelings of sadness that he cannot go on with his plans to be on his own for the first time in his life.  He has never been able to develope a realtionship or stick with a full-time job.  Here I thought he was on his way and my 64 year old husband and myself 64 years old could finally have our time together.  We have already raised six other children together and not without many, many challenges and problems.

We kicked him out of the house a month ago because he was on some drugs.  He ended up homelss for awhile and then in a half-way house.  He really seems to have become humble and teachable.  He turned his life over to a higher power, which he didn't believe in at all when he left home and he found all this therapy and DBT on his own.

Any way we are going to talk with her and we would create a contract with boundaries in place and he would have to pay us some rent.  He pays all his bills, does wash, cooks and he would have to have chores and keep order in his room and bathroom.  In some ways I am grateful because I feel he needs this time to recover and heal.  The other side of me is feeling fearful that he might go back to some of his old patterns. 

Kicking him out was agony for me.  I didn't think I would live through that.  It has really taken its toll on me.  So in one sense I would like to be part of his recovery process and see him leave under better circumstances, On the other hand I already grieved, cried so many tears cleaned his room and redid his bathroom.  Now he comes back.  I really have mixed feelings.  I want what is best for him, but I want my relationship with my husband to be strong and fun at this time in our lives. Kelti

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Oh Kelti, I really understand where you are coming from. This is a tough one, because it's about so many different things, not just BPD. I have been in those same exact shoes. I am going to tell you to be firm but gentle when it comes to the contract and boundaries, then be sure to enforce those boundaries. My own DD came back to my home a little more than a year ago, I made some major mistakes, I wasn't prepared to communicate properly with her, I was fearful of the rages, and I reacted very negatively, although I thought I was being positive. I had never heard of DBT, or SET, or any of this, and I made things so much worse. There were no boundaries, and nobody really knew what to do when she would start yelling and acting like a lunatic. I have learned so much here on this site, and there is still so much more to learn. So speaking from experience in doing things wrong, please be prepared. Do make sure you enforce the boundaries, and have a repercussion that you can and will follow through with, if the need should arise. Meantime, try and relax the best you can and remember to breathe.

[lbjnltx]

Good news and concerning news Kelti.  

So many parents hope for what your son is doing.

So many parents hope that their kids will move out so they can enjoy their marriage and home life.

What have you decided to do?  We will be here to support you no matter what you decide.

lbj

[kelti1972]

Thank you for the replies.  I appreciate both of them.  I am so grateful for what my son is doing and feeling so much better today about his moving back home.  He and I have talked, His father and I have talked.  I have talked with a therapist about it.  We are also planning to talk with his therapist about this plan.  He is excited about coming home on friday and is totally in agreement with boundaries and the goal being to help him become independent and self-suffient.  Right now the main goal is for him to concentrate on his therapy and DBT.  It sounds like there is so much hope in that particular therapy. 

The therapist told me about a book for both my husband and I too read.  Mindfulness an 8 week plan for finding peace in a frantic world.  She said mindfulness was at the core of DBT.  It is about really living in the present and the now.  Sounds wonderful.  I could sure use these skills in my life. 

I am so grateful for this site, all the information, all the videos all the support is amazing.  It has helped me so much get through these last few weeks.  I am going to continue to learn and read all the information and posts.  I hope to support others someday as I learn more and go through my own experience with my loved one, our son.  I do love him so much and even though I grieve and cry and feel so sad, some days, that he has to deal with this and hasn't had a real relationship with any girlfriend, I am also grateful for our circumstances.  Because I am learning so much and meeting so many people through this experience and growing so much.  I feel so humble and so much more caring, non-judgemental and loving towards others.  Thank you Family Connections.   I will be around for the long haul!  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

Hi Kelti,

This is great news!  Family support is a major factor in recovery for people with BPD.  I believe that when those who support a pwBPD (person with BPD) actively practice the same skills  and can speak the same therapeutic language, model the use of the skills and remind them to use those skills the ultimate support is in place.

While you wait on your book to come, here are just a few links about DBT for you to review and gain some insight from:

An Overview of DBT

Triggering, Mindfulness, and Wisemind

Radical Acceptance for family members (a mindfulness based skill)

Will you be participating in a DBT class for families as well?

lbj

[thefixermom]

Just a quick note to wish you and your husband well, Kelti.   My D38 moved back in a couple months ago for a few months (we think) and it's been challenging and gratifying.  We made some mistakes, too, and she was upbeat and positive moving in but raged at me right after she got here.  But it's better now.  I learned some time back to not think each time she moves out it will be the last time.  Still, it's a very difficult adjustment when they leave.  Hard to say goodbye with all the worry that haunts us, sentimentally sad to clean their rooms and pick up the remaining things and guilty feeling suddenly our life might be ours again. And I just plain miss her when she's away as it is easier for her to lower her contact with us.  Right now my husband is having a hard time sharing the house with her and it's causing some stress, at a time where DD is being fairly pleasant to be around.  Anyway, I'm very hopeful for your son and his self awareness and intent to be well.  I wish you the very best and hope to hear more.

[kelti1972]

Thanks again for replies.  It feels so good not to be alone.  I am nervous and excited that our son is coming home tomorrow.  His therapist was thrilled to hear that we are giving him a stable home and that his family is behind him.  I appreciate the tools and information given to me and I will certainly look those up and read.  I did get the book, "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder".  Want to study and read all I can have a deep desire to do that.  How would I go about forwarding this site to my other adult children?  Also thank you for letting me know about your daughter and your husband.  It can get stressful, at times, with my husband also.  It is good to hear other mothers that miss their adult children when they leave, and worry about their well being out there in the world. 

For now I don't have to worry, but I am sure I will make mistakes and that is ok I will learn.  I have got this site now and books and support that I didn't have before.  Thank you and I will write more and need more support!  Kelti

[kelti1972]

If they present family support groups to learn DBT I absolutely want to join and do all I can.  I also signed up for some workshops, I think on this site or another one.  They are suppose to notify me when they have room.  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

If they present family support groups to learn DBT I absolutely want to join and do all I can.  I also signed up for some workshops, I think on this site or another one.  They are suppose to notify me when they have room.  Kelti

Is this the Family Connections through the NEA-BPD?