Path to success through mediation?

[gomez_addams]

The uBPDw (stbx) has offered (her idea) to go to mediation to settle the financial side of the divorce.  No kids.  No real estate.  Just my pre-marriage life savings (virtually unchanged), my retirement accounts (up significantly), and her car (worth $12K, owe $3 on it).  I know roughly to the dollar what our marriage property is worth, and what it'll be worth over the next month or two, barring a stock market rally or crash.

My goals:

a) end the marriage ASAP

b) be able to meet my financial goals for 2016, even if that means extreme tightening of the belt

c) be fair to her

Someone recommended in another thread about reaching out the High Conflict Institute to see if they have a BPD-capable mediator in the area.  I sent them an e-mail.

I'm also going to be reading, practicing, rehearsing, and re-reading about D.E.A.R.M.A.N as much as possible.

She's out of state, but coming back in two weeks.  Little to no chance to bringing her to the table with an uncontested divorce if stop her from coming back or from staying in the rented marriage home.  She's assured me she'll be here less than a month.  Retaining an attorney tomorrow.

My specific questions: are there things about mediation that I should know before going into it?  Obviously, I want her to sign a settlement, and I'm willing to give a bit to get it.

- Not going to JADE

- Broken record on the benefits to her

- Stay confident

- Don't JADE!1!

- DEARMAN

- Be willing to give to get

- Have a Plan B if mediation is a complete failure

- Have a Plan C if Plan B is a complete failure

Any other specifics or general guidance?  Anyone have a horrible experience in mediation?  Any success stories, and what drove the success?

I'm thinking for the days/weeks prior to the mediation, I'm going to do my absolute best to set/enforce boundaries.  I know that's a short time, but it's the best I can do.  We've been in different states since early-February or so.  LC for the past two months, mostly e-mail, with a few texts.

Thanks in advance for any help. 

Gomez

[david]

Figure out what would probably occur if you went to court. Don't settle for anything less than that. Don't volunteer any information. My ex used mediation as fishing expeditions to figure out what was important to me and that is what she would fight for in court. Once I figured that out things got easier for me.

[GaGrl]

Is there any way to keep her from being in your house while she's in town?  That sounds like a recipe for two weeks of BPD behavior under stress. Can you ask your lawyer?

[gomez_addams]

Is there any way to keep her from being in your house while she's in town?  That sounds like a recipe for two weeks of BPD behavior under stress. Can you ask your lawyer?

Will be asking the lawyer.

I can deal with a few weeks.  Especially if she has a return ticket (which I will be buying for her).

I have a small amount of leverage, a Plan B, and a Plan C.  In fact, I'm looking at Plan C right now, and it's almost good enough to be Plan A.

I'm really thinking I just have to plow through a few weeks, and take a nice vacation afterwards.

Thanks for the tips, everyone.

Gomez

[GaGrl]

Just because you buy her a return ticket doesn't mean she uses it.  She has no monetary investment in the ticket/no skin off her nose.

Expect the unexpected.

[gomez_addams]

Just because you buy her a return ticket doesn't mean she uses it.  She has no monetary investment in the ticket/no skin off her nose.

Expect the unexpected.

Duly noted.

[jedimaster]

Figure out what would probably occur if you went to court. Don't settle for anything less than that. Don't volunteer any information. My ex used mediation as fishing expeditions to figure out what was important to me and that is what she would fight for in court. Once I figured that out things got easier for me.

Good one.  My L has tried numerous divorce cases and seems to have a good feel for what judges in our court typically do.  He gave me ballparks in our initial meeting and we are going to try to hold the line to something close to those.  Ask your L about this and brainstorm some ideas together for a baseline from which to work, if you haven't already.

[maxen]

how will the mediation work? will the two of you be in the room with the mediator or will the mediator move between two rooms? do you think you can resist her entitlement posture?

c) be fair to her

be fair to yourself, too.

[gomez_addams]

how will the mediation work? will the two of you be in the room with the mediator or will the mediator move between two rooms? do you think you can resist her entitlement posture?

Not sure yet.  I'd probably prefer the separate rooms.  On a good day I can resist anything.  On a bad day I'd sell out to make it stop.

c) be fair to her

be fair to yourself, too.[/quote]
Yep.  Which is why it's priority three.  

[livednlearned]

Can you put her up in a hotel for 2 weeks. You know her, you live with her, you're worried about the consequences of her staying in the home with you. Listen to your gut on this.

You're so close. You don't need to tempt fate.

[gomez_addams]

Can you put her up in a hotel for 2 weeks. You know her, you live with her, you're worried about the consequences of her staying in the home with you. Listen to your gut on this.

You're so close. You don't need to tempt fate.

I'm thinking about it.  Like, right now I'm wondering if I even want her here at all.  I can't stop her from getting on the plane.

I need to talk to my L.

Gomez

[GaGrl]

If you are paying for the tickets, you can say you changed your mind or, if already purchased, cancel them.

[gomez_addams]

If you are paying for the tickets, you can say you changed your mind or, if already purchased, cancel them.

Yeah.  The tickets were purchased with the joint account.  So far I've been my typical passive eggshell walking self (except for telling her I wanted a divorce, which took a lot).

I need to speak with my L (he's in court right now, probably with the friend of mine who recommended him ironically).  She's going to get a certain amount of marital property.  If I knew that the most likely total cost (monthly support during, property division after, and lawyers fees) were reasonable I'd probably just go nuclear and canx the ticket.

I need to speak with my L before I make a blunder.

Gomez

[scraps66]

Be fair to yourself. Period.  Reciprocity is not something BPs do well.

As far as mediation goes.  This process is ripe for the games BPs like to play and the success ratio on this board is 20%.  I would imagine the success rate is directly proportional to the number of extremely talented mediators that are available.  There aren't many.

In the end a mediated divorce from a BP can cost you more than a court divorce.   

[ForeverDad]

Be fair to yourself. Period.  Reciprocity is not something BPs do well.

Do not be concerned about being fair.  The court will take care of that and ensure they're more than fair with the spouse, or ex-spouse.  As some female members have commented, gender is not the crucial factor, it's the acting-out squeaky wheel that gets the court's attention.

What you need to be prepared for is the posturing as disadvantaged, victim or target.  So have multiple strategic plans.  I've heard that in competitive games the players won't win if they're only playing Defense.  Have proactive strategies for surviving to thrive another day.  That doesn't mean you're mean or cruel, just that you have firm, decent boundaries.  The last thing you want when entering into a potentially high conflict separation/divorce is to appear wishy-washy, what normal people would view as normal and reasonable will be perceived as weakness and an invitation to demand, delay and obstruct more and more.  Yes, firm boundaries do tempt more outbursts and demands for a while in expectation of crushing them (extinction bursts) but over time you'll be in better position to protect yourself.

As far as mediation goes.  This process is ripe for the games BPs like to play and the success ratio on this board is 20%.  I would imagine the success rate is directly proportional to the number of extremely talented mediators that are available.  There aren't many.

In the end a mediated divorce from a BP can cost you more than a court divorce.

Mediation early in the process is typically unsuccessful, the ex is still far too entitled and controlling.  Often it is just before a major event, a hearing or trial, often right at the end of the case, that you might be able to hammer out something not too unfair.  Until that might happen, keep the court case moving along, since you'll probably get less unfairness from the court than from the ex.

[gomez_addams]

Be fair to yourself. Period.  Reciprocity is not something BPs do well.

Do not be concerned about being fair.  The court will take care of that and ensure they're more than fair with the spouse, or ex-spouse.  As some female members have commented, gender is not the crucial factor, it's the acting-out squeaky wheel that gets the court's attention.

What you need to be prepared for is the posturing as disadvantaged, victim or target.  So have multiple strategic plans.  I've heard that in competitive games the players won't win if they're only playing Defense.  Have proactive strategies for surviving to thrive another day.  That doesn't mean you're mean or cruel, just that you have firm, decent boundaries.  The last thing you want when entering into a potentially high conflict separation/divorce is to appear wishy-washy, what normal people would view as normal and reasonable will be perceived as weakness and an invitation to demand, delay and obstruct more and more.  Yes, firm boundaries do tempt more outbursts and demands for a while in expectation of crushing them (extinction bursts) but over time you'll be in better position to protect yourself.

As far as mediation goes.  This process is ripe for the games BPs like to play and the success ratio on this board is 20%.  I would imagine the success rate is directly proportional to the number of extremely talented mediators that are available.  There aren't many.

In the end a mediated divorce from a BP can cost you more than a court divorce.

Mediation early in the process is typically unsuccessful, the ex is still far too entitled and controlling.  Often it is just before a major event, a hearing or trial, often right at the end of the case, that you might be able to hammer out something not too unfair.  Until that might happen, keep the court case moving along, since you'll probably get less unfairness from the court than from the ex.

Thanks for the advice.

I'm going to figure out in the next week my absolute highest offer, and use that as a boundary in any mediation.  I'm going to brush up on D.E.A.R.M.A.N. as best I can, and be prepared to sign something reasonable or file the traditional way if that doesn't happen.

Gomez