still crazy after all these years...

[ProfDaddy]

S10 just finished my half of a week long home visit from his RTC.  The second half of the visit is with his mother.  He has been there 2 years and is, of course, the only child still showing violent tantrums this far into the program.  The first few days, including some long plane travel, went well.  On the second night home, he had an incident.  After dinner, he played with a friend across the street, then came home by 8:00.  I then asked him to sit down and start the homework he brought from the school at the RTC.  Lies, defiance, simmering on the couch, then over an hour of screaming "everybody hates me"  while posturing and banging on things.  He was trying as hard as he could to get us to react and reject him. 

Meanwhile, D13 needed to get to sleep for school the next day, but she was frightened and reminded of dark days of this in our past.  My wife, their step-mother, was also angry, frustrated, and frightened of S5.  So they retreated to our bedroom, closed the door, and waited out the storm together while I was on the phone with the RTC looking for what works for them.  Holdings are out since I don't have the staffing or training they do.  S10 is bigger and stronger than when he lived here 2 years ago.  My wife was waiting to call 911 if S10 crossed the line and threatened himself or others.  He didn't... .but clearly knew exactly where that line was.  He went right to the edge of that line, but didn't cross it.  The staff at the RTC were positive about that, saying it shows progress and control on S10's part.  At home, we're more skeptical, thinking "if he can control that part, surely he can control the rest of that behavior and not rage in the first place." 

We managed to get throught that night, and spent the next night and two days at my house processing and working on the "repair" phase of the incident.  S10 did a good job at that point listening to how his behavior made others feel.  He listened without arguing back and was able to repeat back what we said -- mostly hearing it correctly.  During the rest of our half of the home visit, he was very regressed and needy.  It was also difficult to set limits, since the outburst put me in a defensive mindset. 

Our challenge at this point is to stay in the present and not predict future disasters.  Nobody wants to take on the challenge of another home visit.  We can't keep S10 in treatment centers forever, but clearly he needs another year, at a different center with more mature expectations.  He made progress where he was, now functioning emotionally like a 5 year old instead of a 2 year old.  However, if he were to come home now to stay, the public schools would just have him arrested again and the home situation would be chaotic and harmful for everyone. 

So, the next RTC placement is set, he has known about it for a month, transtition is in July, and S10 is... ."still crazy after all these years."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

This is a mixed bag ProfDaddy 

Progress yes, expectations met... .not so much. 

One of the things I remind myself of regarding my daughter's recovery is that she will always have intense emotions, it is how she processes and acts on these emotions that defines her as "recovered". Your son is pushing limits, as you recognized, and has learned some skills to not cross the line into consequences he doesn't want.  That is good news.

I'm wondering if you are not in the loop regarding the learning of the skills he is learning?  Being able to remind our kids, in the therapeutic language they are learning in RTC, gives us the skills to model/remind them of during times of dysregulation.  It is a major tool in our tool box that we need.  One of the components of my daughter's recovery success was that she became very aware that her dad and I were working just as hard as she was for a healthy family and we were all invested 100%.

I hope that the next RTC implements this kind of learning for your family.


lbj

[ProfDaddy]

We've been through many family sessions at the RTC and weekly work by skype.  Even with those tools, the visit was still intense during times of dysregulation.  We all live in fear of the next home visit, or when treatment is finished and it is time for S10 to return home.  Two years into treatment and we are still at the point where nobody could live with S10 without serious problems themselves.  He constantly demands to be the center of attention, it takes all the effort of everyone in the household to be his frontal lobes for him, to manage his anxiety about almost every situation.  If we don't, he still escalates to rage.  The depressing bottom line is that when I bring S10 home, even for a week, he destroys my family.

[lbjnltx]

Operating from a place of fear isn't helpful to anyone. 

Does using the skills help you?  Empower you and the other family members?  When all else fails the boundaries are the final level  of protection.  What are your options when son won't use the skills during home visits?  Do you get on the phone and make the arrangements to send him back to the RTC? 

This was the boundary the RTC set with my daughter anytime she left the campus.  Just like your son stops himself to avoid the learned consequence would sending him back to the RTC before the scheduled visit ended teach him the same?

Initially my daughter's RTC, Falcon Ridge Ranch, told us that they would cancel our family weekends on campus if daughter was not ready to interact with us in a meaningful and respectful way... .and she knew it.  She had to earn family weekends, she had to earn off campus privileges, she had to earn the right to come home through hard work.  Perfection was not the goal.  Honest and authentic effort was. On top of that, the same was required of us.  We had to work hard too.

lbj