BPD Adult son in our home

[islandguy]

Hi 2findpeace, I'm new here too and have a very similar situation.  My son is 20 and causing quite a bit of upset at times, and it's been slowly sinking in that this isn't something he's going to grow out of.  I'm 50 myself, and a quiet type so I never expected this sort of thing.  He also smokes too much MJ and is always trying to quit, but will then binge and the next day have a horrible "weed hangover" as we like to call it where he's really volatile.  Looking around the internet I've actually seen many many people with BPD reporting that weed gives them their only calm, so I do understand it but he has no moderation ability.

Anyway like another poster above suggested, I am trying to train him that my home office is a "safe spot" for me but it's not going well.  Just this week he unlocked the door to continue berating me over something, and also broke the cat door by punching it out.  Also when I do this he will sometimes turn his attention to my wife who produces crafts in our living room and doesn't really have a good retreat (except the bedroom, which is ok but not productive).

So I worry about him, my wife, etc and it's a tough road.  I feel like I need to intervene when whey go at it, but I would prefer she would not engage as much (when he's in a state *anything* we say is bad and wrong and cause for more outrage).

Oh and of course he really doesn't do chores (unless hassled for days to do something minor), doesn't go to school, doesn't work.  Finally we have trained him to at least tidy up after himself in the kitchen a bit at least.  

He does want to go to school, but just doesn't seem capable.   Intellectually he's got it, but he just can't organize himself and becomes irate when we try to help ("I'm not an idiot!"  Last quarter he tried getting registered for classes but it kind of fell apart as we worked out a couple of scheduling issues.  Things that take most people a few minutes take him about a week.  

We think of asking him to leave, but it's hard to do knowing he has a mental illness.  He won't admit it though, and refuses therapy, medication, etc.

We are in therapy and the therapist has suggested setting up some timelines, like saying that in 3 months he needs to have a job or be enrolled in school.  He'll say he can't get a job w/o a car, but really he just doesn't want to bike, walk or bus.  And we can't afford to buy him a car, plus are worried about him driving (what if he gets irate at another driver?)

Whew, went on longer than I planned but it feels good to get it out there!  




Mod Note: This topic was split from: My first step

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello islandguy,

Welcome to the Parent's Board!  We are glad to have you here with us though sorry to hear that your son is struggling so much to move into independence as an adult.  This is a hard transition for many of our kids.

It's so hard to know how much to require of our kids when they don't have the skills to accomplish what we want to ask of them.  Couple that with the desire to not enable and it becomes quite confusing.  It's good that you and your wife are seeing a therapist.  How do you feel about taking the steps suggested regarding the time line?

It sounds like you are setting some good boundaries to create "safe space" inside the home.  What did you do when your son unlocked the door to your office and disregarded your private space?

Not intervening when situations escalate can be hard when we see mistakes being made by both family members.  Maybe this will give you some ideas on how you might help without becoming part of the problem:

Know good vs Bad Triangulation

We have a great collection of helpful information in the Tools and Lessons in the right side bar.  Take time to look through them and be patient with self... .there's a lot to learn and practice and it all takes time.  We are here to help answer any questions you might have, practice skills with you, and support you in bettering your life, your relationship with your son, and helping to steer him towards a more positive path.

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning more about your family and how I can help.

lbjnltx

[kelti1972]

Hi:

Our son is 26 and moving back home after we kicked him out a  couple of months ago.  We didn't know what was wrong and he hadn't been assessed at that time.  He had smoked marjuaina for hears to get through college and function.  It was not balanced either and he got on some harder drugs for a couple of weeks and that is why we kicked him out.  It was agonizing and horrific.  The emotional pain I felt was severe.  I wondered if I would get through it.  I joined 12 step, this group and had the support of my other six adult children.  Fortuantly for our son he found God at that time and was admitted to a half-way house.  He learned skills and also got assessed by a really good therapists.

When he was staying with us before we kicked him out, he didn't do chores either and if he did it was half-way effort.  I learned to stay with him no matter how intense it got and I would be exhausted afterwards. My husband became angry and resentful at the whole thing.  I felt I would loose my marriage if I didn't get on the same page as my husband.

Long story short, after he got assessed my husband changed his tune and is letting our son come back.  We are letting him write up a contract and then we will discuss and add too it where needed.  It will be an experience and I am so gald to have this site.  Thank you so much for sharing.  You are not alone!  Kelti1972

[islandguy]

lbjnltx, kelti1972 - thanks for your replies, the support really helps!

lbjnltx - on the safe place, he actually came in and blocked the door so I couldn't leave so I ended up calling the Sheriff.  It felt weird, but I had decided that I would not let any physical intimidation go unchecked.  The Sheriff was mostly useless BTW, just saying "Well we all get a little riled up, best just to walk away, but it did have an impact and cleared up the immediate issue and showed that yes, I was indeed not going to be bullied in my own home.

The timeline is scary, but we do have to say "hey this is not working" loud and clear.

kelti1972 - good luck with your son after he moves back in, and that's great that you are on the same page as your husband now.  I'm still trying to get there with my wife who is usually quite a bit more keen to kick him out, but we're closer now.

[lbjnltx]

Hi islandguy,

I'm sorry that you had to call the Sherriff and completely understand this kind of action being necessary.  Violation of our boundaries regarding personal safety need to be understood as well as having it understood that we will enforce these boundaries whatever it takes.  I called the sherriff 3 times when my daughter would threaten self harm, threaten me physically and threaten to leave (she was only 12) and in 2 of those cases all 3 boundary violations occurred.  Each time she would end up at the sherriff's dept waiting on an evaluation from MHMR (mental health services for the county) and the last time she went in handcuff's because she threatened me in front of the deputy.

We also need to be careful about calling in outside services because sometimes we invite more harm into our and our children's lives.  My case was different than most as I was in a very rural community.  It's good to know in advance what will happen to our kids before we take these kinds of actions. 

I hope your son heeds this as a warning and lesson that he cannot nor should he violate your boundary regarding safe space and personal safety.  Have you discussed the incident with him since?  How did that go?

lbj

[islandguy]

Unfortunately we haven't discussed the sheriff incident yet, but I was fairly clear with him why I did it both before and after.  Bringing up it again would be an invitation to rehash the whole day, that's just how it goes. But you remind me, I do need to go over the "safe place" again just to make sure he understands what I'm doing.

I hear you about outside services too - law enforcement isn't necessarily the most compassionate when it comes to mental health!

[kelti1972]

islandguy:  Your welcome and I am glad you made a stand with your son.  It is hard to follow through and make stands, but so worth it in the long run.  I am glad you are getting closer with your wife.  My son is home and he is suppose to write up boundaries and consequences and then we are to get together and discuss them.  I am thinking I might have to set a time limit to when that has to take place.  Maybe not, do not know yet.  So far he is being really respectful and two of his sibilings told him to look at this as a hotel and we are his landords, and this was a temporary situation until he was well enough to get out on his own.

I laughed and like that perception.  I use it now, saying we are not mom and day, taking care of him and catering to him, but supporting him through this process he has chosen.  Thanks for your good wishes and same to you with your son!  Kelti1972

Not only law enforcement isn't too caring towards mental issues, but who is, sites like this and maybe few others.  I still think the stigma in our society toward mental disease is still way too ignorant and fearful!