Eating and the kids mom

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my SS7 has had eating issues since I met DH. He has come such a long way and eats so many things that he wouldn't even touch before. We stress good eating habits and food that are good/bad, treats, snacks and how to make good choices. We realized a long time ago that trying to get his uBPD mom to see this was useless so we focused on our house.

Yesterday when DH was doing recess duty at SS school, SS was upset with his lunch. UBPD mom packed him a pack of peanut butter crackers, capri sun, and some sort of candy (don't remember what it was) and that is it. He was starving and upset that he had nothing else to eat. DH encouraged him to have a talk with mom about this since she packed it.

Should DH send her something about this? I mean this is not a rare occurrence it happens more often than not with what she packs for his lunch.

[Swiggle]

So my SS7 has had eating issues since I met DH. He has come such a long way and eats so many things that he wouldn't even touch before. We stress good eating habits and food that are good/bad, treats, snacks and how to make good choices. We realized a long time ago that trying to get his uBPD mom to see this was useless so we focused on our house.

Yesterday when DH was doing recess duty at SS school, SS was upset with his lunch. UBPD mom packed him a pack of peanut butter crackers, capri sun, and some sort of candy (don't remember what it was) and that is it. He was starving and upset that he had nothing else to eat. DH encouraged him to have a talk with mom about this since she packed it.

Should DH send her something about this? I mean this is not a rare occurrence it happens more often than not with what she packs for his lunch.

[kells76]

Hi Swiggle,

I'm still new here, so I'm not sure what you've tried so far in regards to the lunch issue.

Some thoughts that come to mind are -- is there a fridge at school where a week's worth of lunches could be stored? Could you prepack a bunch of lunch foods and just have them at the school in case he needs them? Does he have a locker where he could stash a bunch of trail mix/granola bars/jerky/water bottles/nonperishable foods? Those might be ways to not have to bring this up with Mom and still take care of kiddo's needs. If I read you right, it sounds like Mom might not be receptive to input about the foods she packs.

Hope this helps,

kells76

[scraps66]

Another option is buying lunch, if it's decent food.  I've always packed lunches and scoffed at buying, but I can see advantages if used properly. 

My ex used to use bought lunches as a one-up on me, giving kids lunch money on my days.  Our S10 would then go through an inordinate amount of money in short periods, buying too much, treating other children, etc.

This is not something I take up with ex.  I have told the kids to tell their mother to pack different foods if they don't like what she packs.

My more pressing issue is S10, who has anxiety issues, not eating his lunch regardless of what it is.

[livednlearned]

My experience is that bringing attention to N/BPDx's inadequacies as a parent only made him do that behavior more, not less. Some BPD exes seem to respond well to validation, and can cooperate to a certain extent. If the ex in your situation responds well to validation, that's one option. In general though, writing a note to say that bio mom is not sending in enough food isn't likely to go down well.

The other option is to load up an account at school so that SS7 can eat from the cafeteria any time he wants. Or give the teacher a stash of food he can use whenever he's hungry.