How to accept relationship with grown daughter

[Mackenzie]

I have an adult daughter who has had 2 broken engagements. She lives across the country and has for over 5 years. This broken engagement was initiated by her fiancé. She is heartbroken, and I feel like I am mired in her heartbreak. Phone calls almost every day, with sordid details of his behavior. I have asked my husband to talk to her, as my mental health is being affected by it . I have not been sleeping well, and I feel like a failure as a mother.

I would really appreciate feedback and advice from other parents. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mackenzie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your daughter are in so much pain right now.  When our kids hurt we hurt. 

Having so much distance between you is adding to the feeling of helplessness for you I'm sure.  Are you feeling overwhelmed because you can't seem to find the words to comfort her and begin to help her move forward and/or are you worried that she may do something harmful to herself?  These are the feelings I have had when my daughter comes to me heartbroken over a lost love.

One of the ways I found that helps me convey my love, concern, and let my daughter know that I'm supporting her while not allowing her emotions to dysregulate me is to validate her and ask her validating questions.  Like "I'm so sorry that your hurting, losing a fiancé and someone we love from our life is so very painful." "It does feel like the pain won't ever end and it does get better with time" "How can I help? I'm here to support you." "What might you do today to give yourself a break from thinking about this?" 

When our kids who suffer from BPD feel heard and understood they may begin to process their emotions and self soothe, this takes time for them and lots of support from us.  Having a positive and healthy action for us to take helps soothe us too.  The validating questions keep us in a supportive role instead of a problem solving mode and this reminds us that we don't have the power to solve our kids problems, just support them in solving their own.

Here is more info on Validation:  https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm and Validating Questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Mackenzie we are glad you are here looking for support for you, just like our kids who suffer need support, so do we.



lbjnltx

[Mackenzie]

Thank you for the reply. I feel I have been very supportive, but now, I am caught up in the blame game with her. After looking at some of the videos and reading the suggestions on this site, I can see that this is the wrong approach. Frankly, although I know my daughter has emotional issues, and mental health problems, it is difficult to contemplate that she could have BPD. 

  Because of my frustration with my daughter, I am trying to avoid talking with her. Yesterday, I put the phone on speaker, and just said an occasional uh huh or yes, until I said I had to make dinner. Until I can get a clear understanding of what is going on, and am able to take a step back, I don't have the tools to handle this.

[lbjnltx]

Your response reminds me of the saying "First, do no harm."

This is a good approach. 

I had to be ok before I could be ok in my communications with my daughter.  Before I learned how to communicate in a way that was not harmful I had to take care of me and create a space within myself to learn. 

The good news, whether she is BPD or not, is that the communication skills are healthy skills for anyone to use and be on the receiving end of.

Do you see how your daughter might meet the criteria for the disorder (5 of 9)?  Most of the members here have a loved one that has traits of the disorder and are not diagnosed BPD.  Since we don't diagnose as lay persons it is best to work from the premise that our kids are struggling and try to understand what purposes their behaviors serve for them... .and work from there.  Highly emotionally reactive people commonly have belief systems based on how they feel rather than the facts.

What do you need right now that we can help with?

lbj

[Mackenzie]

I think I need to understand this in a different way. But, after 30 years of parenting her, and trying to understand, I'm stuck. As an example , last year, I sent my daughter a customized bracelet congratulating her new engagement. She never acknowledged it. After over a week waiting to hear from her, I called her, and asked if she had received it. To which she replied, oh yes, thank you. I was so hurt by this. I became very angry,and let her know that I was very upset by her lack of enthusiasm. She turned it around, and I became the one at fault. It ended in a big to do, and I stopped talking to her for a month. Remember, we live on different coasts, so all communication is either email, texts, or phone calls.

  In the end, it was resolved, but she later told me she thought I must be going through menopause, because of my behavior!

That's just one example of what happens between us.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Mackenzie,

I can relate to your situation of the gift.  We can become excited about something so special that we give and the big let down can come when our excitement isn't mirrored back to us.  One of the things I learned from this is (because I have also experienced this with "normal" people in my life) is that I re examined my motivations for giving.  I decided that I will only give gifts with no expectations whatsoever.  It's a cure for what used to cause me disappointment. 

This relates in general to BPD and how we cope with the disappointments that often come from loving our kids... .One of the things the experts tell us as #1 is to lower our expectations of them and what they are able to give to our relationship with them and achieve in general.  It will decrease their stress levels when we lower expectations(they are highly perceptive of our tone, energy, and non verbal communication) and decrees our suffering.  Here is a link to some info about this to help you understand it in context:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

I hope this helps you in some small way. 

lbj