faking?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I noticed that quite often, when I am ready to leave my possibly BPD boyfriend's house for the evening, a fight happens. Originally, I thought this was because he didn't want me to leave. I still think this is true, but now I believe the fight is not really being started by him being mad that I'm leaving but by him being upset that I'm leaving and trying to find a way to get me to stay. So he picks a fight because me fighting with him gets me to stay. But I never doubted the genuineness of his emotions during these fights. But last night, he seemed to get upset over some things that made me wonder, and his attitude changed very quickly when I didn't argue back but just stared at him.  In retrospect, I wonder if the anger and upsetness (he takes on an attitude like he just can't believe how selfish/insensitive/awful I am) is not so much his genuine reaction but an act he's putting on to create a drama situation. But could that really just be an act to get me stay, even if it's just to fight with him?

I hope this makes sense. What I'm trying to say is, could he be faking the anger to get me to stay longer?

[lolli]

I noticed that quite often, when I am ready to leave my possibly BPD boyfriend's house for the evening, a fight happens. Originally, I thought this was because he didn't want me to leave. I still think this is true, but now I believe the fight is not really being started by him being mad that I'm leaving but by him being upset that I'm leaving and trying to find a way to get me to stay. So he picks a fight because me fighting with him gets me to stay. But I never doubted the genuineness of his emotions during these fights. But last night, he seemed to get upset over some things that made me wonder, and his attitude changed very quickly when I didn't argue back but just stared at him.  In retrospect, I wonder if the anger and upsetness (he takes on an attitude like he just can't believe how selfish/insensitive/awful I am) is not so much his genuine reaction but an act he's putting on to create a drama situation. But could that really just be an act to get me stay, even if it's just to fight with him?

I hope this makes sense. What I'm trying to say is, could he be faking the anger to get me to stay longer?

[Turkish]

It might seem like he is faking anger (being purposefully manipulative), but it's likely that it's how he really feels at the time, the behavior being his unhealthy coping mechanism.

While it's good and necessary to assert your boundaries, how do you validate his feelings?

Leaving is certainly an option. I did that once, and it shocked her she told me later. While protecting myself was necessary for me at the time, it didn't address her behavior.

[Samuel S.]

It would be best to have a heart to heart conversation, if at all possible. That is the best possible way to find out what is going on.

As an outsider reading your post, he might be wanting you to stay, because he is afraid to be alone, that he needs you. It is like a child wanting to get attention, whether it is positive or negative. In your case, it might be a way to get your attention negatively.

As for the faking part of it, I have been married to my BPDw who announced about 6 years ago that she has been faking it. She wasn't being her true self. She was going to do what she wanted to do. She also became verbally abusive.

In your situation and in mine, both of our BPDs are doing a push and pull move. They push us away with their negative talk and try to pull as back when it is convenient for them, when they need something from us.

[OnceConfused]

Perhaps that behaviors came from the fear of abandonment. As you were about to leave, his fear of abandonment increased and consequently he would say or do something to make you feel GUILTY and thus stay LONGER.

For me at first it was flattering but as time went on, those behaviors became rather un-bearable, as I found myself STUCK.

[LonelyChild]

For me at first it was flattering but as time went on, those behaviors became rather un-bearable, as I found myself STUCK.

Yes. My ex always initiated fights when we were to separate. I tried to talk about separation anxiety with her, but she wouldn't accept that that was what it was. She had real reasons (whatever that meant, she never told me) to instigate the fights.

Initially, I would just hug her when she became upset and try to calm her down. It didn't work after a while though, and she would push me away or attack me physically and verbally. Throwing things around her etc.

It just took too much effort and energy to manage her mood which required micro-management 24/7.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

my uBPDw does this all the time... .If I'm leaving for work 10 minutes earlier than usual you can watch the anxiety take over her body and she'll use any and everything to get me to stay (because of course there is some woman out there who is happy with 10 minutes of my time... .)  This can take the form of "we never have time to talk" (after being together the entire weekend... .) to "why are you rushing out of here". 

Anything and everything if it will make me stay.

I know she's somewhat self aware, because if any of her kids (4 hers, one mine) are around she tones it down.

I do think it's a control thing... .It's just a subset of her not being in control of 100% of her life and all the anxiety that comes from that.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

I don't know if this is helpful in anyway, but the more I read these posts, the more I relate to aspects of BPD behaviour.

As I read the above posts, I thought about one particular time recently when my BPDbf was about to leave and go home and I just stood on the stairs as he put his coat on, feeling a desperate need to cry because he was going. He saw it in me and commented upon it (who has the problem here?) As I reflect upon the past, I think I have also caused emotional upheaval when a boyfriend was about to leave. For me, anger was always a cover for sadness that I couldn't bear to feel or even acknowledge. I wasn't playing games deliberately, but I was probably wreaking havoc anyway.

Over the years, I have found that it helps me to stabilise my emotions (not get upset) if I have notice that my time with someone is about to end, eg. "I need to go in ten minutes". It gives me chance to get used to the idea rather than feeling it is being thrust upon me unexpectedly. It also helps me to know how long a friend is coming for, eg. "I can meet you at 10am on Thursday, but I'll need to go to work at 11.30am". This is something that helps me cope whether it is a boyfriend or a female friend.

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lolli,  This dynamic is quite familiar to me.  My BPDxW would hide my keys or steal my laptop when I was trying to leave for work.  Her fear of abandonment would kick in and she would act out on her fears.  I wouldn't say that she was "faking it" exactly.  More like she was ruled by her turbulent emotions.  In the same way, i suspect your BF is just acting out on his emotions, rather than faking it.  LuckyJim

[AmyAlways]

Perhaps that behaviors came from the fear of abandonment. As you were about to leave, his fear of abandonment increased and consequently he would say or do something to make you feel GUILTY and thus stay LONGER.

For me at first it was flattering but as time went on, those behaviors became rather un-bearable, as I found myself STUCK.

Yes and yes. My BPD colleague used to do this to me when I was about to leave the office in the afternoon. There was always a last minute issue she needed to discuss with me. I suspected that it had to do with abandonment because of the look on her face (in pain, agony) when I actually left for the day.