So hard to forgive and heal

[phxrising]

My story is very similar to others, however I feel it is somewhat confusing.

The short and dirty story is a man who I have been attracted to for 15 years, and who seemed to be attracted to me at times, is an undiagnosed person with BPD. We have formed a very close friendship.

He did the push/pull, black and white with me a lot. Since I have my own issues, I believed a lot of what he told me, both positive and negative. If he said I was the perfect woman and he missed me one week and the next week said he was back with his girlfriend and it made her uncomfortable that I visit, or that I was retarded and emotionally unavailable and irrational and crazy and he hoped I died--I believed it all.

So while I desired him tremendously and had a fantasy that I would outlast his girlfriends (because only I could take his s**t, really), I always had a deep-down feeling that he was not to be trusted and I pulled back. I probably even sabotaged things.

Over the past 14 years we would have great times that would be "ruined" by me. I certainly played a part by not standing up for myself and for not realizing his behavior was not normal. And there were times when he was incredibly attentive and helpful. And much of his verbal abuse was designed to motivate me towards my stated goals and I am mulish and give up. Being his friend was so time and energy-consuming that I never developed close relationships with other men. He was my partner.

He has realized that he has BPD behaviors and is going through work on this and I have been reading about BPD and it all makes so much sense.

However I have a hard time letting go of the past behavior. His led me on about a romantic future with intermittent reinforcement of affection, talk of buying a house and a future life and interspersed it with statements that I was everything he hated, that I killed the woman he loved, that all he wanted was friends and that was all we would ever be.

I moved to be closer to him last summer and before I moved he said he was looking forward to it and if I wanted to be more than friends I should act like it and not talk about it. When I arrived, I got a text welcoming me to the city and I didn't see him for a week. We finally talked, he said he was back together with his uBPDgf and I needed to make a decision whether I wanted to be a potential girlfriend or a friend-friend. I was shocked, unprepared, and said he was dating someone right now. He got his angry/emotionally distant look on his face. So we continued our dysfunctional relationship that was getting better because we were both communicating more authentically and honestly.

Tonight I finally started to tell him what his splitting did to our relationship. He was describing what he was looking for in a girlfriend and it sounded a lot like me and what our relationship was like. I told him this, and he said yes, I would make someone a wonderful partner. "But not with you." I said. And he emphatically stated "No. Not me."

After a discussion about what was "wrong" with me (that he couldn't stay calm around me and I make so much progress on my goals and then act opposite) I said "That's ok. Let me tell you something. Every time you would say mean things and stop talking to me you killed a little bit of what I felt toward you. Now I don't know what I feel about you. I'm glad we're friends, but that's it."

I feel horrible because I did a parting shot with it. We had gone to dinner and for a walk and I was outside his car as I said this. He sped out of the parking lot, I'm pretty certain he was hurt. Since he shared that he has many symptoms of BPD I have been careful to validate, to reassure him that I was not going to leave him as a friend, to set boundaries, to do the things family and friends are supposed to do.

However I don't think I have forgiven him and I am still angry, bordering on bitter, and messed up from what he did in the past. I don't know how to be his friend when I am nursing resentments and my hurt comes out in snipe attacks. I don't even know if we should be friends or can be friends.

How can I deal with these feelings of anger and hurt? How do you hold someone accountable for their actions when they are sick?

[LonelyChild]

I was in tears reading this. I wish there was something I could do for you.

I think you should try to look at this in a rational way, since - following your emotional wants - you end up hurting yourself. Things have not gotten better for 15 years. Why would they suddenly change? I hope you find a way out of this mess.

As for holding him responsible: Don't even try to. Every time you try to (rightfully) put blame on him, he's going to put it back on you. They are experts. You'll just end up feeling worse. It's basically impossible to hold someone with BPD responsible. And if you succeed with it, he'll most likely threaten suicide or such, and you'll end up having to comfort him anyway.

[Samuel S.]

Yes, it is extremely hard to forgive and to heal, especially when a BPD will be well one moment and be malicious the next. It is extremely hard to trust that person, not alone to love that person. I have been married to my BPDw for the past 14 years. She has done the push and pull, being verbally abusive, being neglectful. I always stick with the idea that where there is life, there is hope. She is alive, and thus, there is always the possibility that she will change for the better. Yet, I am usually disappointed, especially when she is typocritical. I wish there would be an answer for all of us nonBPDs with our BPDs. The only way they will remotely change is acknowledging they need help, getting help, and making a full-time effort to change so that they are not hurting, so that they do not hurt us.

I am getting to the point that I am doing my best to make extra money and to win extra money to leave, because this is going to be an endless cycle that will never change unfortunately.

[apollotech]

Hi phxrising,

I am sorry to hear that you're in the BPD chaos. 15 years, that's a long time for negative feelings to build up. Your story is full of his push/pull behavior, so I think that it's safe to assume that you're a trigger. Unfortunately, once you become a trigger, you will always be a trigger. As a result, you will always be exposed to his BPD behavior.

It was not clear to me what you're expecting from him: a relationship? for his behavior to correct itself? I'd really like to hear your expectations, regardless of his actions/behaviors/illness.

As far as getting him to accept responsibility for his actions, I think you'd have a better shot at dipping the Pacific dry with a teaspoon. In my experience with my BPDexgf, I just gave up on that quest. Even when she was presented with irrefutable proof that she was at fault or responsible for something, she would shrug the responsibility by rewriting history/reality. That opens up a whole new can of worms.

If you read much on the Staying Board, you'll quickly see just how one-sided these relationships are. Also, in many of the stories posted there, the Non is primarily the responsible party in the relationship.