I am pretty sure my son has BPD . he is 33 years old

[adson]

How can I help my son?  He is spiralling down, pushing away anyone who has ever cared for him.  He knows his behavior is not normal but refuses to get help believing that he can't be helped.   He gets verbally violent if I  or his partner of 4 years try to broach the subject.  He constantly says he wants to be on his own, no one is the world fits into his lifestyle but when he is on his own he gets depressed, remorseful, drinks, and has self harmed in the past.  He pushes himself to extremes and then expects everyone else to achieve those extremes.  Sometimes he is very thoughtful and caring and appreciative but at others he accuses us of sabotaging him, of conspiring against him, and accuses his girlfriend of being unfaithful or of wanting to leave him.  He has no friends, always starts off at a new job raving about how good it is, then starts to criticize everyone there, telling everyone how he could run the place so much better, so ends up having to leave.  he can fly into a rage very quickly, he gets very depressed.  I don't know how to help him or how to cope with him or how to help his girlfriend who I honestly believe is the best thing to have happened to him.  i would hate to see her go but I don;t know how she has coped for so long.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Hi there,



Sorry you are having such a hard time with your son. It's so hard when you feel like you're walking on the proverbial eggshells where it feels like you're darned if you do, darned if you don't. :'(

You're in the right place to learn some new skills though that can help your family.   

He knows his behavior is not normal but refuses to get help believing that he can't be helped.

Has he ever been in any kind of formal therapy? Was it a bad experience for him?

---DreamGirl

[kelti1972]

Hi:

I too am sorry you are having such a hard time.  I know my son, who is diagnosed with BPD and ptsd and obsessive compulsive personality disorder, has done some of the exact things in the past.  We kicked him out for using drugs and now he is back and although he got some humility and appreciation at that time, I can see some of the old behavior.  He got assessed when he was out of our home and one of the conditions for living here again, is that he has to go to his therapy once a week and learn the DBT skills.  I know this will take a long time and I am going to have to keep reading and studying and talking on this site.  Keep coming back, listen to the videos, tools, lessons, etc. 

I know it is going to take time and patience for changes to happen.  He has let me have it three times already, although I feel I have handled it  pretty well.  He has to get a part-time job, the job he was able to stick with the longest and that was after two or three tries, his supervisor was really patient and forgiving with him, he cannot go back to anymore.  So he hasn't worked for three months.

It is so hard and scary when they work, because that is when the stress comes in for them and their disorder really is tested.  I do not have any answers, just learning too and praying and learning.  Good luck.  You are not alone!  Kelti1972

[lbjnltx]

Hello adson,

Welcome!

We are glad you are looking for ways to help your son33.  One of the key skills we can use to help our children and adult children is helping them know that they are heard and understood.  We can do this by validating their feelings.  When someone feels heard and understood they are better able to process their emotions and self soothe.  Once they self soothe sometimes they can move into problem solving with our support.  We can help them problem solve by asking validating questions. Here are a few links to this information to get you started learning how to use these skills:

Validate the Valid

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

To be a source of emotional support to our adult children we need to have our emotional needs met ourselves.  How are you coping with the ups and downs your son goes through?  What do you need to take care of you?  We are here to validate you and help you problem solve as well.

lbjnltx

[adson]

Thank you

I will read from the links any advice is welcome.  I am coping OK, I am pretty strong emotionally. There are times when I feel that I have failed as a parent, but logic tells me that as my daughter is so stable, I must not have been that bad, still there is the guilt that I should have seen this coming, or should have done something different, that I have somehow failed him.  Taking that into account I feel that all I can do now is try and bring him back, but really don't know how.

[adson]

The thing that upsets me most are that he is missing out on so much that is good in life.  The things that scare me the most are that he will fly into a rage at the wrong time and end up getting beaten up or in jail or that he will be alone and do something to really hurt himself.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, adson... .I would also like to welcome you to this site, and I'm glad to hear that you are planning on reading and watching all you can on bpdfamily. The links that lbjntlx gave you are really relevant to your desire to try to be able to get a handle on how to deal with your son better, as well as reading all of the links to the right-hand side of this page: the TOOLS and THE LESSONS are very good, and can really help you understand how his mind works, and why he acts the way he does. They will also give you the tips and insights you need to be able to get through to him, calm him down, and even help him learn how to help himself.

The thing that upsets me most are that he is missing out on so much that is good in life.  The things that scare me the most are that he will fly into a rage at the wrong time and end up getting beaten up or in jail or that he will be alone and do something to really hurt himself.

I can really relate to these fears... .My own adult (38) son was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013; before the diagnosis (at a Dual Diagnosis Center where he spent 21 days after a serious Suicidal Ideation and multi-year Heroin addiction), I was scared of the same things that you are afraid of. We were fortunate that he finally realized that he needed help, and then agreed to get that help, and has been clean and sober and continuing his Therapies ever since. He really is doing well right now, actually... .

After his diagnosis I found this site, and read the information given to you in this thread, and it really opened my eyes and helped me figure out how to help my son, thereby helping the whole family. Everything here is very valuable, and one of the first things that changed everything for me--in how I dealt with him and my own emotions--was this: Radical Acceptance for family members. Once I disentangled myself from my son's troubles, and let go of my stress and my fretting over the things about him that I found frightful and distasteful, not only did things calm down with him, but he actually started changing those behaviors due to my backing off. That still amazes me, and I use this concept with him every day, as well as with everyone else 

My son's story is in my signature line at the bottom of this post (and here: Son's Dual Dx Pgm & NFT Story), and it might interest you... .He does sound very much like my own son before his Therapies and recovery. I know the hopeless feelings you are going through, but I'd like to assure you that it is possible to bring him back, and to find a way to get some peace in your family