Sexual Mirroring?

[confusedinWI]

Okay the title comes from a weird dream I had this morning, and my morning thoughts. In the dream, or nightmare rather, my ex gf and I got back together after her being with my replacement. In the dream we were about to have sex, and we were doing the same things we had done before that I know got us both turned on. She looked at me and said "I don't like that anymore. Your replacement did this and I like that now."

So this got me to thinking (and I hate that I thought this) but on top of the regular mirroring of the new person do you think a sexual mirroring takes place? Like if the BPD person previously liked something they did with you (for normal people what you like sexually stays consistent no matter the partner) do they change that for the new person.

Are they that much of a chameleon that what they previously enjoyed sexually just gets thrown out the window and they essentially start from scratch with the next person?

Anyone have any insight to this from a recycle attempt?

[search4peace]

I cant say for sure, as I didnt get into a detailed comparison of my exBPDgf's previous sexual practices with other guys, but I will say that initially (not later on) she seemed very interested in knowing what I liked, what "got me hot" and wanted clear descriptions so she could copy them.  In a couple of cases, it was clear that she was deviating from what she was used to/done before. I admit this was very seductive for me, like she was really into trying to please me (all part of the adoration that I was hooked on and still miss terribly).

I cant say that this is abnormal behavior - as I would expect this in any loving, committed relationship with open communication.

[confusedinWI]

I cant say for sure, as I didnt get into a detailed comparison of my exBPDgf's previous sexual practices with other guys, but I will say that initially (not later on) she seemed very interested in knowing what I liked, what "got me hot" and wanted clear descriptions so she could copy them.  In a couple of cases, it was clear that she was deviating from what she was used to/done before. I admit this was very seductive for me, like she was really into trying to please me (all part of the adoration that I was hooked on and still miss terribly).

I cant say that this is abnormal behavior - as I would expect this in any loving, committed relationship with open communication.

Agreed. I remember talking with her before we even met in person, we were texting and she asked me what got me hot. I responded women in yoga pants, women in stockings, etc. I also said how cool it would be to make out like teenagers sometime in a car. Well our first date guess what afterwards we made out in her car for about two hours.

Within the first month she was already dressing up seductively in stockings, etc. I just thought it was cool because we were learning each others preferences, didn't realize she was essentially interviewing me to find out how she could hook me.

It makes me nervous in the future when I date again about relaying my interests to another person. Are they going to just be interested or use it against me.

It sucks because us nons get left so behind with the damage while they just hit the reset button and move on.

That is life I guess.

[cloudten]

Yes... .

I am in a recycle that is actually going remarkably well... .which means at some point- what goes up must come down.

After one breakup, he had another girlfriend for nearly a year- my replacement. (I actually didn't know about her for the first 6 months- and would still get together with him- all the while he denied having another gf)

I wouldn't say "completely different and start from scratch", but there are definitely things that he likes different now. Weird- but he likes missionary now---- never ever before did he like it--- never. So that has been a little weird. Also, he kisses incredibly different. He has not been as much of a jerk to demand that it be that way though- its just that he's different now.

But after being with him in this recycle, things sexually are definitely different, and I blame it on mirroring. But much to my delight- some of it is returning to his "old self".

I do have to add that as the replacement was particular traumatic for me seeing as I was with him when he was two-timing and I was clueless... .when he does things mirroring her now, it is a HUGE trigger for me. HUGE. H.U.G.E. Like I have to leave, usually sobbing and upset and angry because he isn't the way he used to be.  Like I said, its getting better.

I am just starting to understand the mirroring thing though. I had kind of a revelation about it over the weekend watching a youtube documentary on BPD.  A girl explained that she mirrored whoever she was with at the moment, and she realized that she was a completely different person with each other person in her life and she didn't know who she really was. She said that if all of the people she knew were to be in one place, she wouldn't know who she is because she wouldn't know who to mirror.

My revelation: Is this what happens on holidays? Is this what happens when all of the family, friends, etc. are all in one place at one time... .the pwBPD doesn't know who to mirror- and becomes a nervous anxious BPD mess... .which destroys the holiday... .in effecting ending the stress of who they are supposed to mirror? Just a thought. didn't' mean to shang-hi your thread.

[confusedinWI]

My revelation: Is this what happens on holidays? Is this what happens when all of the family, friends, etc. are all in one place at one time... .the pwBPD doesn't know who to mirror- and becomes a nervous anxious BPD mess... .which destroys the holiday... .in effecting ending the stress of who they are supposed to mirror? Just a thought. didn't' mean to shang-hi your thread.

Cloud... .I find your holidays statement interesting. I remember my ex gf saying she didn't like being around a lot of crowds, she has anxiety as well and it would make her nervous. She even said that sometimes being around family gatherings were too much... .too much of a crowd. At first I didn't understand, now it makes a little more sense if she didn't know who to mirror.

I also realize I have to just close the door and stop analyzing everything, it doesn't do much. It's nice to understand to move forward, but sometimes it just is what it is you know?

[cloudten]

Yeah, if the relationship is over, then its okay to let go and stop ruminating.

Obviously easier said than done for me and I never stopped and am now in a recycle which frankly, I hope, never ends.

I cannot give advice on moving on... .but I do know that the weeks I went without him got better and better. I have a very good friend who was also involved with a girl with BPD. He still has nightmares 18 months later... .but overall, he has moved on. He has a new girlfriend... .and he seems to be doing well. So I KNOW it is possible to live a fulfilling life after... .it just takes a lot of time to get there. Good Luck!

[cloudten]

Oh- another thought- this is an interesting topic... .

Is the reason they mirror us sexually the reason the sex is amazing?  Maybe its not because they are amazing... .maybe it's because WE are amazing sexually... .and they mirror us?

That TOTALLY must be the answer   

[confusedinWI]

Oh- another thought- this is an interesting topic... .

Is the reason they mirror us sexually the reason the sex is amazing?  Maybe its not because they are amazing... .maybe it's because WE are amazing sexually... .and they mirror us?

That TOTALLY must be the answer   

That is my thinking. Even if not for the sex to be amazing it takes two people, and we were part of that so therefore I don't look down upon myself.

In reality though I would've easily reduced the frequency we had sex in order to have the true intimacy that I craved and desired. The intimacy that would come and go it seems. That's the tough part when during the idealization stage they show it all, they seem to want that,  you work towards that and then when you think you are there they get scared and run away, or create drama to prevent the total connection.

[search4peace]

I guess I will never know for sure what her motives were at the time... .I only know that this behavior faded gradually until I felt I couldn't even approach her sexually without provoking some excuse/pushback.  Really invalidating experience.

She used to play the sexy/seducer role very well... .saying and doing things that I would never have expected once she knew my hot buttons. Damn... .it was intoxicating. I loved feeling off-balance and dizzy with this kind of attention.  Oddly, when I asked her to share with me her deep/secret fantasies, she said that "she wasn't ready to share them yet"... .What?  Can you say double standard?

Because her sexual attention wasn't consistent or reciprocated, now I really have to question what she was seeking, and that questioning makes me wonder if I can ever trust any women with this kind of deeply private, intimate stuff again.  How can a woman who is ostensibly in love, human, and sexual, compartmentalize sex in this way... .so alien to me.

The scars run deep.

[ZeusRLX]

Agreed. I remember talking with her before we even met in person, we were texting and she asked me what got me hot. I responded women in yoga pants, women in stockings, etc. I also said how cool it would be to make out like teenagers sometime in a car. Well our first date guess what afterwards we made out in her car for about two hours.

Within the first month she was already dressing up seductively in stockings, etc. I just thought it was cool because we were learning each others preferences, didn't realize she was essentially interviewing me to find out how she could hook me.

It makes me nervous in the future when I date again about relaying my interests to another person. Are they going to just be interested or use it against me.

It sucks because us nons get left so behind with the damage while they just hit the reset button and move on.

That is life I guess.

If they are BPD, they most definitely use it to hook you. It's something to watch out for. Try not to be scared but just vigilant and attentive. Notice things.

The second you see major red flags, head for the hills.

As far as the damage... .you may not believe this but my last few BPD gfs... .I was the one who dumped them and did exactly zero suffering too. So, if you do this many times like me (I hope you don't), you probably won't be getting hurt as much anymore.

First cut is the deepest, after a certain point it's just another day at the office.

But hopefully it won't come to that in your case.

[ZeusRLX]

Because her sexual attention wasn't consistent or reciprocated, now I really have to question what she was seeking, and that questioning makes me wonder if I can ever trust any women with this kind of deeply private, intimate stuff again.  How can a woman who is ostensibly in love, human, and sexual, compartmentalize sex in this way... .so alien to me.

The scars run deep.

If this happened only once, be careful and try trusting again but just be really vigilant.

If it happens more than 3-4 times... .then never trust anyone again. Ride the wave but know when to get the hell out. Don't marry them. Dont have kids. Don't give them money.

Ride the wave while you can and get out when things go South.

But hopefully, this is your last BPD partner... .

And the scars will heal. I was in the hospital for two weeks after my first break up years ago. Now I laugh about it.

You'll be fine, give it time... .

[ZeusRLX]

As far as the sex being great... .yes, it usually is.

But with some BPD's much better than others... .

However, I have this one friend who is involved with this low level BPD person... .one of the more extreme examples I have seen.

And she is doing the no sex before marriage thing!

I mean as a guy I put up with a lot of BS but at least the sex was great so that's something, right?

Imagine putting up with all BPD BS AND you get no sex AND you get pressured into marriage!

How nuts is that? And she is in her mid 20s... .

Talk about getting a bad deal, haha.

[apollotech]

"In reality though I would've easily reduced the frequency we had sex in order to have the true intimacy that I craved and desired. The intimacy that would come and go it seems. That's the tough part when during the idealization stage they show it all, they seem to want that,  you work towards that and then when you think you are there they get scared and run away, or create drama to prevent the total connection."

confused and search4peace,

What both of you experienced is BPD fear of engulfment. They aren't wired to handle deep emotions. (In the example confused supplied, his exSO's actions created distance. With that distance, she could regulate her emotions. It's a maladapted/primitive coping mechanism. Without therapy, they "run" their entire lives.) It had nothing to do with you. They can do "sex"; they cannot do " intimacy".

[confusedinWI]

"In reality though I would've easily reduced the frequency we had sex in order to have the true intimacy that I craved and desired. The intimacy that would come and go it seems. That's the tough part when during the idealization stage they show it all, they seem to want that,  you work towards that and then when you think you are there they get scared and run away, or create drama to prevent the total connection."

confused and search4peace,

What both of you experienced is BPD fear of engulfment. They aren't wired to handle deep emotions. (In the example confused supplied, his exSO's actions created distance. With that distance, she could regulate her emotions. It's a maladapted/primitive coping mechanism. Without therapy, they "run" their entire lives.) It had nothing to do with you. They can do "sex"; they cannot do " intimacy".

Apollo,

Is that why to the outside a lot of people don't see the person we see? I think my ex gf was highly functioning, she didn't seem to show much drama to the outside world... .she does have an older sister that she doesn't talk to. She always said that her older sister was manipulative of her, and that they didn't get along.  Is it because we were close to the intimacy fire that we see them like that where others don't? Also I wonder how much of her drinking contributed to everything else?

[apollotech]

"In reality though I would've easily reduced the frequency we had sex in order to have the true intimacy that I craved and desired. The intimacy that would come and go it seems. That's the tough part when during the idealization stage they show it all, they seem to want that,  you work towards that and then when you think you are there they get scared and run away, or create drama to prevent the total connection."

confused and search4peace,

What both of you experienced is BPD fear of engulfment. They aren't wired to handle deep emotions. (In the example confused supplied, his exSO's actions created distance. With that distance, she could regulate her emotions. It's a maladapted/primitive coping mechanism. Without therapy, they "run" their entire lives.) It had nothing to do with you. They can do "sex"; they cannot do " intimacy".

Apollo,

Is that why to the outside a lot of people don't see the person we see? I think my ex gf was highly functioning, she didn't seem to show much drama to the outside world... .she does have an older sister that she doesn't talk to. She always said that her older sister was manipulative of her, and that they didn't get along.  Is it because we were close to the intimacy fire that we see them like that where others don't? Also I wonder how much of her drinking contributed to everything else?

confused,

Yes, the outside world doesn't see/experience the person that we know because of the lack of a deep emotional bond. Simply, if the pwBPD doesn't care about someone deeply, that someone cannot trigger them. I cannot address the drinking side of the equation.

My BPDexgf is very high functioning. Her public persona is quite lovely. She is very charismatic and charming. She can really work a room; I have seen her do it many times. She is physically stunningly beautiful. She is very, very intellectually intelligent. Her smile and face are very welcoming. She can very quickly put someone at ease as if they have known her all of her life (I am not talking about mirroring.). She is very warm. She has a very sharp and quick wit. Her personality is seductively bubbly. Her very deep blue eyes sparkle and her laugh is very intoxicating. She is very feminine and moves with grace. In general, she is a very lovely creature. That is the person that the majority of people know and love, and rightly so. That person is an absolute delight to be around. If you get to peek under the hood, as I have, well, there are a few problems.