5 years of therapy and no light yet...

[thora]

My child was first diagnosed with an eating disorder at 13 and has been hospitalized twice for the ED, severe depression and suicidal ideation. She is now nearly 19 and the ED, depression, etc. are really secondary issues to what I feel fairly certain is BPD. The black and white thinking, high emotionality, hyper sensitivity, impulsive behavior were always there from the time she was very young. She has always been a very sweet person and even now she's not confrontational or disrespectful (for the most part) with us but she is into drugs and subversive in risky sexual behaviors that cause me GREAT worry. I fear for her safety not to mention the damage to the few relationships she has left.

From what I read, these risky behaviors are attempts to divert or distract from the emotional disregulation that's going on for her. As she puts it, "i don't even know why I do the things I do how do you expect me to explain it to you?" The tough part is, though she has a good relationship with her therapist, she lacks follow through on what the therapist prescribes for her. When it gets tough, she wants to cut back on therapy. She's in a DBT group once a week that she hates. Meanwhile, I just wait for the next crisis to happen. I try not to fear the worst but it's hard considering what we've been through already. We've been through countless hours of family and individual therapy.  My challenge is to keep going and take care of myself and be a support but not enabler to her.

I listened to a DBT lecture today somewhere that noted the hospitalizations are traumatic for the whole family. That's the first time I heard that. It really WAS traumatic for her, of course, but for us, too, to leave your 13 year old child in a locked ward because you didn't feel you could keep her safe at home. I will never forget it.

It is really hard to hear other parents talk about their kids -- normal stuff like cute baby stories, school stories... .whatever... .I don't get to tell any stories... .it's just a bleak secret noone understands or really wants to hear about. I hope, one day, to use this experience in a positive way and share with others. I'm not there yet.

Even my own family, they want to find a "reason" so they can sum it all up and try to fix it. I kind of understand that--I've been trying to do that the last 5 years. There is NO single magic conversation, pill, activity that will make this all better. I know they want to help. There's really no way for them to help with the day to day stuff... .and my d has done some pretty hard to understand things... .So I keep quiet about it all because there's really no good way to talk about it.

Well this was a vent... .maybe someone can relate... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, thora &

Oh, thora... .everyone on this Board can relate to your situation, and commiserate with you, and support you 

Everything you are dealing with sounds so familiar to me, and I did go through pretty much all of it (and sometimes more!) before my son was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013. He was an adult at the time (he's 38 now), but had been underdiagnosed since age 20, so never got the proper and complete Treatment(s) to help him finally make his way into recovery, till his diagnosis in 2013.

I know things are terrible right now, and have been for a long time for your family, but your daughter is still young and at least you do have an idea of what her troubles are (my son had been diagnosed with ADD, Depression and Social Anxiety, but the BPD never entered our vocabulary till 2013). Now that you have pinpointed her disorder, it's great that you have found us! Please make sure you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page; the TOOLS and THE LESSONS will help you understand how your daughter's mind works, and how to get a handle on dealing with her.

I know that once I found this site and learned everything in those links, it helped me to understand and communicate with my son in ways that actually helped him regulate his emotions and do better in his recovery... .He's really doing well at this time, and I know our family would not be where it is today without the tools and techniques I've learned here.

I paid particular attention to Validation (here's a video explaining it: Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family) and the communication technique of S.E.T. (this Article is great: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth). These are things I use day in and day out, with not only my son, but everyone I have a relationship with at this point! All of my relationships are better... .

Please stay and read all you can on this site, and keep telling us your story... .We all know the pain and frustration of watching our children self-destruct, and the helplessness that we feel when we can't seem to help them. The frustration that comes with extended family members who just don't understand what we are going through, and how we have to nod and seem thankful for advice that we know just won't work... .We've all been there, thora. And we are all here for you to help you figure this out   

[JustAMum]

My d was first diagnosed with an eating disorder too. She was also 13. She is now 16. She has self harmed in the past. I definitely can relate to your situation. I also envy others who seem to have "normal" kids. The worry that comes with caring for my d is ongoing. You are not alone.