Close to moving out

[empathic]

Hi, need some advice. My wife wants me to move out. You can see the background in other threads I have on here. Short story is that she suddenly can no longer stand the situation, due to our lack of closeness. And to be honest, I guess that neither can I.

I'd like some advice from someone who has been in this situation (or just want to comment). I have a place I can get quick access to, so there are no practical problems concerning that part.

I have also contacted a lawyer, although the one I found is not exactly cheap. Considering finding another one.

We have two kids, 11 and 9. I think they are aware already that something is not right.

I'd like to delay moving out until school is out and it could be handled better, but my wife doesn't want to wait.

I'm not sure if she means a trial separation or not, she wants me to move out until I "make my mind up" about our r/s. Wouldn't it be better for the kids to decide directly on what to do?

Not sure if this should be on the leaving board or not, as it's not definite yet.

[Aussie0zborn]

It sounds like you both agree that a separation is necessary so perhaps it won't be too much of a drama. The first thing I sense is that you are not in the driver's seat here and this is a real disadvantage for you. I would suggest it will be better for you if you drive this rather than be the passenger and that you consider engineering the separation rather than allowing yourself to be discarded like used toilet paper.

You might think about splitting your assets, shared custody of the children, etc. If you can both agree and sort these issues out before anyone moves out, it could save you a fortune in legal fees and save you a lot of heartbreak in maintaining a healthy relationship with your kids.

You say you're not sure if she is talking about a trial separation. Let's forget about her for a moment, what do you want and what do your children need? (Note that this question does not ask about what you think she wants or needs and it's prefaced with, "let's forget her for a moment" so this question is all about you and your kids).

[empathic]

It sounds like you both agree that a separation is necessary so perhaps it won't be too much of a drama. The first thing I sense is that you are not in the driver's seat here and this is a real disadvantage for you. I would suggest it will be better for you if you drive this rather than be the passenger and that you consider engineering the separation rather than allowing yourself to be discarded like used toilet paper.

You might think about splitting your assets, shared custody of the children, etc. If you can both agree and sort these issues out before anyone moves out, it could save you a fortune in legal fees and save you a lot of heartbreak in maintaining a healthy relationship with your kids.

You say you're not sure if she is talking about a trial separation. Let's forget about her for a moment, what do you want and what do your children need? (Note that this question does not ask about what you think she wants or needs and it's prefaced with, "let's forget her for a moment" so this question is all about you and your kids).

The most important thing for me is of course shared custody. Assets will be very complicated to split, as our history involves companies, heritages on her side etc etc. I'm guessing she'll feel like I'm trying to cheat her either way.

I don't really want a trial separation. I have separated mentally years ago, and have tried in my own way to get the feelings back without success. Still, stating that to someone I've spent 15 years together with feels very sad and I couldn't get myself to do it yesterday.

I'm hoping she'll want to cooperate so the impact on the kids will be as low as possible. I understand that there will be a very rough time at first though.

[mitatsu]

From my experience take anything you value or of importance straight away

good luck whatever you do we are all here for you 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic,  There is no good time to move out.  I separated from my BPDxW when things came to a head a few weeks before Christmas, which made for a miserable holiday for all (we have two kids).  I had been postponing and prolonging the end even though our marriage had long since broken down, which may be similar to the position you find yourself in.  The real healing, however, only begins after the b/u.  LuckyJim

[honeybadger]

Hi Empathic,

It's been awhile since I've been on these boards and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm sending you all the good wishes in the world.

[empathic]

Thanks all of you.

I did move out, but just for one night. She said some things that evening that made me very angry. I managed to calm down though and said that I had been thinking about this and that I want us to live in different places.

She freaked out, called me in the middle of the night telling me how bad she felt. Texted me and apologized for what she said. First time I've heard her apologize for something that I can recall. Begged me to come home again in the morning. And I did, I had to take my daughter to soccer practice.

She now says that she's not ready for this at all, and that she can't imagine days without the kids.

Since recycling I've felt kind of down, like I don't really know what I want or how to act now. It felt like I had made my mind up but here I am back again.

[gomez_addams]

From my experience take anything you value or of importance straight away

good luck whatever you do we are all here for you 

Consider that folks are saying take valuables (she might do something bad) and ponder that you're leaving the kids with them.

Also consider that she might be talking to an L, and wanting you to move out prior to any paperwork being filed. HINT: he abandoned the kids to go live on his own.

Sorry to be pessimistic.

Gomez

[Lucky Jim]

It's hard to move out, no doubt, when kids are involved.  I stayed way longer than I would otherwise have, because my BPDxW and I have two kids together.  I felt I owed it to them to provide stability during the daily BPD turmoil.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but nearly drowned in the process.  In the end, I exhausted all my physical, emotional and financial reserves.  Not fun.  I only relate my story as a caution.  Don't wait until you have no strength left to make the move.

LuckyJim

[GaGrl]

So she freaked out because she couldn't imagine being without the children?  It had nothing to do with wanting/needing YOU back in the house?

[Zon]

Thanks all of you.

I did move out, but just for one night. She said some things that evening that made me very angry. I managed to calm down though and said that I had been thinking about this and that I want us to live in different places.

She freaked out, called me in the middle of the night telling me how bad she felt. Texted me and apologized for what she said. First time I've heard her apologize for something that I can recall. Begged me to come home again in the morning. And I did, I had to take my daughter to soccer practice.

Does she typically not apologize or are the apologies not all that sincere?  My wife rarely apologizes.  If she does, it rarely is something that she accepts.  For example, when she was wrong about grilling our D10, she apologized several times but threw in a "But if you had ... ." to say that our daughter brought my wife's mood to the point where she would react without thinking.

BTW, the begging and tears can really affect a feeling person.

She now says that she's not ready for this at all, and that she can't imagine days without the kids.

Not ready for separation or divorce?  Is she subconsciously saying that she needs more time to prepare and then you can do it?

Since recycling I've felt kind of down, like I don't really know what I want or how to act now. It felt like I had made my mind up but here I am back again.

I have come close to offering divorce to my wife several times when she pushes me.  She never asks me to get divorced; she pushes me to tell her.  I always wonder why I did not agree when I was thinking it.  The feeling of being balanced on the fulcrum is quite stressful.  Is that what is affecting you?

[empathic]

From my experience take anything you value or of importance straight away

good luck whatever you do we are all here for you 

Consider that folks are saying take valuables (she might do something bad) and ponder that you're leaving the kids with them.

Also consider that she might be talking to an L, and wanting you to move out prior to any paperwork being filed. HINT: he abandoned the kids to go live on his own.

Sorry to be pessimistic.

Gomez

She's much calmer now than I expected her to be, so I don't think there's any immediate danger, but thanks for the heads up though.

It's hard to move out, no doubt, when kids are involved.  I stayed way longer than I would otherwise have, because my BPDxW and I have two kids together.  I felt I owed it to them to provide stability during the daily BPD turmoil.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but nearly drowned in the process.  In the end, I exhausted all my physical, emotional and financial reserves.  Not fun.  I only relate my story as a caution.  Don't wait until you have no strength left to make the move.

Looking back, I should probably have moved out almost exactly three years ago when things got really bad between us. But the kids at least got a good start in their new school so I don't regret that too much. Would have been too much change at once otherwise I think.

Also, I feel a lot stronger today than I did three years ago (with the help from a therapist and other people I have confided in).

But you're right, I don't know how I would have felt onward if it would have continued in the same way, which is one reason I wanted to make my mind up.

So she freaked out because she couldn't imagine being without the children?  It had nothing to do with wanting/needing YOU back in the house?

Sorry to say, probably not. I feel like I could have been just about any guy, she would have acted the same. I most likely have never been special to her in the traditional sense. It was probably just a fantasy I had early on in the relationship, that I wanted it so much to be that way.

[empathic]

Does she typically not apologize or are the apologies not all that sincere?  My wife rarely apologizes.  If she does, it rarely is something that she accepts.  For example, when she was wrong about grilling our D10, she apologized several times but threw in a "But if you had ... ." to say that our daughter brought my wife's mood to the point where she would react without thinking.

BTW, the begging and tears can really affect a feeling person.

I don't recall her ever saying "I'm sorry for... ." before. She can apologize in roundabout ways, like "Maybe what I said yesterday made you sad... .". I think she has a hard time adapting to the way different people work, that people are in need of different things (like hearing apologies). She just wants me to suck it up.

And yes, begging and tears feel awful to me, and I just want to fix things as usual.

Not ready for separation or divorce?  Is she subconsciously saying that she needs more time to prepare and then you can do it?

She seems to have accepted that there will be a separation down the line. She now talks about selling our rental property (where I stayed the night) because she can't imagine "living there myself later on". Managed to postpone that though, because if we sell that and split the money in half my choices of where to live will be very limited.

I have come close to offering divorce to my wife several times when she pushes me.  She never asks me to get divorced; she pushes me to tell her.  I always wonder why I did not agree when I was thinking it.  The feeling of being balanced on the fulcrum is quite stressful.  Is that what is affecting you?

Well, it feels better the past days as she seems to have come to terms of what will happen. But there's still a lot of things to be decided, and she puts most of it on me. My hope is still that this can be worked out in a fairly calm way, but with a pwBPD you never know of course.