Family GP/Doctor

[Daisy67]

I am in UK where we have generalist practitioners as the first point of contact for healthcare.  My son (who is 22 and BPD) attends the same practise, I have had a conversation with my doctor today, suggesting that I might change to a new practise as I feel they are pre- judging me.  They won't discuss my sons care with me which I totally understand, however, they are also not considerate of how his illness affects me sometimes.  I don't know what he has told them about me, I am sure he has been less than kind at times, I feel when I walk in they see his mum and not me as a patient in my own right who needs help and support... .does this make sense to others?  Almost like I am seeing that it is a conflict of interest of theirs to be care provider for both my son and myself?  I suggested this to the doctor and he agreed with me and said it might be a good idea for me to change to a different practise.  I am a bit stunned but not surprised by this, it just confirms what I was already feeling and thinking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Daisy67 &

I'm sorry you feel judged and uncomfortable with your generalist practitioners and Doctor; the most important part of health care is being at ease with our professionals, I think, so that we can communicate what we need in a way that helps us trust the care they give us. If you feel that there is a conflict of interest in their situation of treating both you and your son, I think it is definitely a good idea for you to find a facility that treats just you, with your best interests in mind.

Coincidentally, my adult (38) son (who was diagnosed with BPD in 2013) goes to the same Health Care Practice as myself and my Husband, and I actually have the same Physician's Assistant (as opposed to an M.D.) as my son does... .I've never felt uncomfortable with her knowing so much of our family situation, but if I did, I would change to someone else, too. You need to feel safe and "heard" by your Dr.; not judged and stressed out, for sure.

What do they actually say to you? How do they act around you? Do you feel "dismissed" by them when you try to communicate your needs and issues? I'm really sorry that this is happening; I think you would be wise to find a Professional that you would trust if that would help you out... .

Again, welcome to this site... .We are here to listen to and support you, Daisy67  

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your problem. From what you say, I can understand why you would wish to shop around for a new GP. In my personal experience most older NHS GP’s are not always gemmed up on BPD or mental health as a whole.  BPD theories surfaced in the 80’s but the NHS didn’t take note until much much latter. So it is hit and miss with GP’s.

I don't have BPD but do have PTSD due to a BPD mother. As an expert patient, I have had better support from piers, than I ever got from a GP.

Ironically when I did try to change, no one in the NHS could recommend.  The NHS has been forced to offer “a choice agenda” but in practice they often don’t provide the information needed to make a choice. So when I asked to change, I was only provided with a list of names – nothing else. . That's where the expert patient group helped.

The NHS I’m afraid has a very Narcisstic culture as do most civil service organisations. Meaning you’re best networking and asking down the pub who is any good. You can’t stop a Narcisstic culture assuming or applying prejudice, but you might get lucky if you change Dr’s. Best of luck.  

[Daisy67]

Thanks for responses.  The issue is whenever I raise the subject of my son and how I might be finding it difficult to cope or understand his illness, they just won't engage with any conversation, making me feel like I can't express how low or exhausted I am with things.  They just wont engage, i will start a conversation with "I know you cant discuss my son but can I talk to you about me and etc etc".  Like I said the Drs response just confirmed my thoughts, that my son is probably going in there and blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me and I tried to raise the fact that I may have had some BPD traits which I've worked through in therapy and that both my parents were borderline from what I can tell, and this may be why my son is BPD, however this GP, probably in his 60's responded by saying to me that BPD is more about my son's upbringing than factors heredity. Not very reassuring as a mum who feels that she has just loved her son and provided from him and taken care of him as best she could.    My son hasn't spoke to me now for over 2 months, he lives just minutes away from me.  He is visiting my sister and mother, which is hurting me and I find myself being hurt by this rather than appreciating they are there for him.  I'm pretty low with this just now, I only have one child and it feels like I've completely failed as a parent and that I don't get to be a mum anymore.  I am reading all the articles and self-help on here which is really helping, as is the posts from other parents experiencing similar situations.   

[Rapt Reader]

I'm so glad that you are finding the information on this site helpful, Daisy67 

When you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, it is very productive to read from the top to the bottom, paying special attention to the TOOLS and THE LESSONS. Gaining a good understanding of how BPD works, and learning the communication tools and techniques (Validation; S.E.T: Sympathy, Empathy, Truth; WiseMind; etc.) can really help you with dealing with this situation. And can actually improve your relationship with your son in the long run.

Since you and he are not in contact at this time, it's a perfect time to detach from the pain and drama going on, and to get yourself a nice cup of tea (hot chocolate? Coffee? Wine?   ) and to learn all you can about what is going on with him and how to deal with it all. So many of us parents on this Board have found this to be true and beneficial, as you will no doubt find as you read the threads... .

He is visiting my sister and mother, which is hurting me and I find myself being hurt by this rather than appreciating they are there for him.

Learning how to detach from that pain, and figuring out how to get to the place where you can appreciate that your family is there for him, is a great start to this process, Daisy67. You really can get there, and you've already started on that journey by finding us and telling us your story... .We're here for you, and want to help 

[HappyChappy]

... .my son is probably going in there and blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me... .however this GP, probably in his 60's responded by saying to me that BPD is more about my son's upbringing than factors heredity... .My son hasn't spoke to me now for over 2 months, he lives just minutes away from me.  He is visiting my sister and mother, which is hurting me ... .I am reading all the articles and self-help on here which is really helping, as is the posts from other parents experiencing similar situations.  

I would back up Rap Reader's suggestion of learning detachment. So for example, you mention a BPD son may be blaming you – but we know a BPD will project the blame away. Hence if you rationalist this – do you think your behaviour has much bearing on his need to project the blame away ?

Also you mention a GP in this 60’s states that it’s mainly his upbringing. BPD theory states you must have the gene present for pretty much every PD. You say your parents had BPD, hence there's the gene. But 25% of BPD can happen without the adverse conditions that are normally also required. You do realise that a GP can’t keep up-to-date with every ailment, so it’s not uncommon for them to be ignorant about BPD (within the NHS), especially close to retirement

So your GP is wrong, or there’s been a misunderstanding. At the very least it's up for debate. But learn to be detached, then it won’t hurt. We can’t change the fact a BPD will project their blame, but we can change how we feel about it. Wishing you peace.