2 months before wedding, she left

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

im very sad and cant even move,i had never feel this kind of suffering , i dont know how to handle it it been 6 weeks that she said she does not love me anymore , we were about to get married in two monts ,i was very fearfull because i saw some strange behaviors in her for tha lasts 2 years , some bipolar kind of treats , very strange things like giving all her furniture to the poor, bringing strangers into her house , preaching the gospel to everybody that she sees on the streat ,being very religious , shouthing , mood swings, lack of emphaty,dimminishing my efforts to help her, she cant concentrate , feelings of grandiosity of love and beauty , she is beautifull , very risky bussines ,feelings of emptines,low self esteem hipersexuality, very deep in debt ,she says that she sees demons , when i would tell her that something was wrong , she would explode with a great rage saying that she is fine and that she wont go to a therapist that God would heal her of all her sickness , which is great ! but who will take mines? im nuts im going crazy , can anybody help ? i ve seen bipolar treats ,and now that i ve done my own research i think she is  BPD tipe of person , everything in her life is a mess , last month her feet and legs got swollen for a entire month , the doctor said it was because of stress and she could not walk does anybody knows if that sickness had to be anything to be with the BPD or bipolar disorder ? thanks ill be very thankfull if anybody helps me . oh i forgot she dummped me no more marrige for me , she just left she said God told her to do it so

[luishernandez]

im very sad and cant even move,i had never feel this kind of suffering , i dont know how to handle it it been 6 weeks that she said she does not love me anymore , we were about to get married in two monts ,i was very fearfull because i saw some strange behaviors in her for tha lasts 2 years , some bipolar kind of treats , very strange things like giving all her furniture to the poor, bringing strangers into her house , preaching the gospel to everybody that she sees on the streat ,being very religious , shouthing , mood swings, lack of emphaty,dimminishing my efforts to help her, she cant concentrate , feelings of grandiosity of love and beauty , she is beautifull , very risky bussines ,feelings of emptines,low self esteem hipersexuality, very deep in debt ,she says that she sees demons , when i would tell her that something was wrong , she would explode with a great rage saying that she is fine and that she wont go to a therapist that God would heal her of all her sickness , which is great ! but who will take mines? im nuts im going crazy , can anybody help ? i ve seen bipolar treats ,and now that i ve done my own research i think she is  BPD tipe of person , everything in her life is a mess , last month her feet and legs got swollen for a entire month , the doctor said it was because of stress and she could not walk does anybody knows if that sickness had to be anything to be with the BPD or bipolar disorder ? thanks ill be very thankfull if anybody helps me . oh i forgot she dummped me no more marrige for me , she just left she said God told her to do it so

[Henry II]

Way back when couples saved themselves for M and lived with their parents until "the day" I was greatly in love with my X and she told me before the M that she was having secound thoughts. She didn't love me enough.  2 kids and 18 years later we split. I can't imagine the world without the kids. So I wouldn't change the M, however if she doesn't love you you need to accept that and move on as the later divorce especially hurting children is devastating.

[Pou]

im very sad and cant even move,i had never feel this kind of suffering , i dont know how to handle it it been 6 weeks that she said she does not love me anymore , we were about to get married in two monts ,i was very fearfull because i saw some strange behaviors in her for tha lasts 2 years , some bipolar kind of treats , very strange things like giving all her furniture to the poor, bringing strangers into her house , preaching the gospel to everybody that she sees on the streat ,being very religious , shouthing , mood swings, lack of emphaty,dimminishing my efforts to help her, she cant concentrate , feelings of grandiosity of love and beauty , she is beautifull , very risky bussines ,feelings of emptines,low self esteem hipersexuality, very deep in debt ,she says that she sees demons , when i would tell her that something was wrong , she would explode with a great rage saying that she is fine and that she wont go to a therapist that God would heal her of all her sickness , which is great ! but who will take mines? im nuts im going crazy , can anybody help ? i ve seen bipolar treats ,and now that i ve done my own research i think she is  BPD tipe of person , everything in her life is a mess , last month her feet and legs got swollen for a entire month , the doctor said it was because of stress and she could not walk does anybody knows if that sickness had to be anything to be with the BPD or bipolar disorder ? thanks ill be very thankfull if anybody helps me . oh i forgot she dummped me no more marrige for me , she just left she said God told her to do it so

sounds like you dodge a bullet if all you said accurately describes her.  not sure why she would take stranger into the house and give her stuff away to the poor ... .if she has no empathy.  unless, she just lost it and doesn't do anything consistent.  in that case, PD is only part of the problem.  She may be a schizo... .I dunno.  But I know it is hard in the beginning, but I don't think you want to be in a relationship with someone like that... .she needs lots of help.  If you love her, you don't need to be married to help her... .you can always try to reengage... .but sometimes it maybe wise to walk away.  it is a personal decision.  Hope things work out. 

[Svarl1]

Hi.

What a situation. I'm not surprised it's making you feel crazy.

I agree with Pou, all the behaviours you mention indicate problems other than BPD. Possibly other PD types or mental illnesses. She really needs professional help and hopefully will realise this one day.

For you, i'm afraid to say that your relationship does not seem salvagable:

She says she no longer loves you, and she left.

On the one hand if she is mentally stable, then that is her right as a human being and you need to let her go.

On the other hand, if she is in turmoil then she may not be consistent in her thoughts and feelings, she may want to come back - but for how long. Your life with her will remain a rollercoaster. This will not be the stable relationship with which to enhance your lives and successfully raise any children.

I suggest that, firstly, you accept that the relationship may be ending.

If she does approach again and try to make up, then I suggest that you do not get back together without some conditions - like she goes through a certain number of weeks therapy beforehand. You could try to get advice on what kind and length of program may be most suitable.

Best of luck.

[luishernandez]

thanks to all for your advise , i been in this roller coaster for the last 2 years and a half , does BPD gets worse with time? i mean new traits i noticed in the last days of relationship, like she would say that she felt a great pain inside her like poison or devils inside her , asking me for large amounts of money which she knows i dont have only to keep the friendship, alive to invest on her bussines that by the way is a very risky one , spending more money than the one she is making , she asks for money spends it very easy without paying it , and then ask for more over and over , for her dream of succes and beauty  . she told me she hears demons where she lives at , i dont know if she may be influenced by her pastor a pentecostal minister that tells her all the time that he is fighting with debils , serpents , and al kinds of evil spirits, are BPDS subget to be influenced easy by that tipe of mental presure of such a minister? they told her im the debil himself ! i ve been a christian for the last 33 years ! what a mess . thats why she would not even consider talking to me  cos i was her hero now im satan ! her hands are never calm, sometimes i noticed her speking alone , she would say that , that is the way she talks to herself about bussines , she says that she is a public figure a bussines woman and her bussines is totally broke , she sells products made out of colagen , she got really angry when i told her she was bipolar or something , still i dont know what to think about it , i went to her family and noticed her mother had the same kind of behaviour , and that 2 uncles of her are ill from mental disorders,  FRAGILE X  does anibody knows about that ? as you see i have a lot of questions and me myself feel like something is wrong with me , shame , sadness depresion , mental health , im a caretaker im a coodependent i want to have faith again belive that God will help us help her heal her , sorry im in tears all the time ... .:'( here in mexico there is not much support about this issues

[Panda39]

thanks to all for your advise , i been in this roller coaster for the last 2 years and a half , does BPD gets worse with time? i mean new traits i noticed in the last days of relationship, like she would say that she felt a great pain inside her like poison or devils inside her , asking me for large amounts of money which she knows i dont have only to keep the friendship, alive to invest on her bussines that by the way is a very risky one , spending more money than the one she is making , she asks for money spends it very easy without paying it , and then ask for more over and over , for her dream of succes and beauty  . she told me she hears demons where she lives at , i dont know if she may be influenced by her pastor a pentecostal minister that tells her all the time that he is fighting with debils , serpents , and al kinds of evil spirits, are BPDS subget to be influenced easy by that tipe of mental presure of such a minister? they told her im the debil himself ! i ve been a christian for the last 33 years ! what a mess . thats why she would not even consider talking to me  cos i was her hero now im satan ! her hands are never calm, sometimes i noticed her speking alone , she would say that , that is the way she talks to herself about bussines , she says that she is a public figure a bussines woman and her bussines is totally broke , she sells products made out of colagen , she got really angry when i told her she was bipolar or something , still i dont know what to think about it , i went to her family and noticed her mother had the same kind of behaviour , and that 2 uncles of her are ill from mental disorders,  FRAGILE X  does anibody knows about that ? as you see i have a lot of questions and me myself feel like something is wrong with me , shame , sadness depresion , mental health , im a caretaker im a coodependent i want to have faith again belive that God will help us help her heal her , sorry im in tears all the time ... .:'( here in mexico there is not much support about this issues

Hi Luis,

Hearing voices is not something typical with people with BPD but I agree with you there is something going on.  No matter what is going on with her I can hear how painful her leaving is for you.  Being in tears all the time is natural you are grieving.    It sounds like her problems are much bigger than one man(you) with no mental health training to fix. In reality only she can work on her mental health issues you can't make her and you can't do it for her. I know this is hard to hear now because everything hurts but I think in the long run she has done you a favor.  She has given you the opportunity at a healthier and happier future.

Hang in there I know it's hard.

Panda39

[luishernandez]

thanks panda im really in pain , the worse is that we go to the same church i have not gone for about 6 weeks so it hearts to even think going and see her they told me she looks very happy like nothing ever happened i dont know if i have to go no contact

[Panda39]

thanks panda im really in pain , the worse is that we go to the same church i have not gone for about 6 weeks so it hearts to even think going and see her they told me she looks very happy like nothing ever happened i dont know if i have to go no contact

No contact is not an easy choice and is a personal choice but it may be something to try when you are ready.  It's like creating a bubble around yourself that allows you time to grieve, to think, to heal and create your new life outside of your past relationship.  It is something you do for yourself.  I know as a co-dependent rescuer myself that sometimes putting ourselves first is hard and it might feel "selfish" but it is really okay to love and care for ourselves... .it's more than okay it's necessary and we deserve it... .you deserve it.  It is a time to focus on you.  Right now though I think you just need to just process the shock and the sadness of her leaving then once things don't feel quite as raw think about how you plan to move forward.

Do you have the option to get a little therapy yourself?  It might help you to talk with someone and get some support in the real world. Maybe you could talk with your Priest/Minister on a day other than Sunday that way you reconnect with your church, get support and avoid seeing your ex for the time being.   We're always here for you too 

[luishernandez]

thank you panda once again if i go to church i ll see her there , i ll try tomorrow if i see her i ll just say hi ! and come back home call my therapist to set a time with him on monday , i wont let this bad situation , kill my dreams . it is really another type of reality a paarllel universe in which the coodependant finds the source of happinnes and hell itself , but in my case she is dealing with more problems than the BPD itself , so hell is worse than what it is sopposed to be , im happy to be in this new family , one day ill be just remmembering thanks again

[luishernandez]

thanks henrry your comment is hard but the real true

[apollotech]

Hi Luis,

I am sorry that your world has fallen apart. I know that you are experiencing a great deal of confusion, pain, anger, etc. Rather than ask questions specifically about her actions/behaviors, ask yourself, as she is now, is she a person that you can build/have a future with? This question is not about who she may become.

[luishernandez]

hello apollotech thanks for the reply , she is calling some of my friends to let them know we are not together anymore i dont know why she would   she even invite one of them to have a cup of coffee which he refused to do, she said that the main reason she left was because God told her to do it so, and because i lied to her about my age which was truth , she tough i was 43 and found out i am 46 she is 35 years old i hide it because i was afraid of another rage explotion ! wich she has been experiencing more often and violent , and also she said that she left because her bussines is totally broke, that i did not have money to invest in it , which is truth , but i have a friend who offered me a very good job earning good money , im an electronic ingener , so i have the chanse to save her bussines , but my brain is nuts , if i save her and engage to her what would be the chances of marring her and came back to a roallercoaster of BPD emotions bipolar narcissitic or whatever her problem migth be ... .i really like to help her but try to explain her againg that she has issues , ... .but every time we talk about that , she becomes defensive , telling me that if that is tha case God will heal her , she is really waiting for a miracle in her bussiness , heatlh, she doesnt have a car , so she is praying , and for a new boyfriend ... .:'( thanks again . im going now with my therapist i wont let my life drain into depression , i ve seen in me coodependent traits , i feel guity , dumb, stupid anxious and empty

[ForeverDad]

All this God will heal me and God told me is troubling to me.  I recall when our pediatrician recommended my then-spouse see a counselor.  It was our final few months before separation, she responded, "I have the Bible!"  So I can empathize with your dilemma.

I have a question... .Which do you think is harder... .(1) Having a failed engagement now, Letting Go and Moving On or (2) getting married, having children - wonderful blessings but more complications for you and not good for the kids either - and then having to face an end to the relationship - divorce - anyway after 5, 10 or 20 years?

While we here probably can't be sure how dysfunctional or conflictual your ex-fiancee is, whether a little or a lot, it's probably better to have some quick pain now than extended pain for years down the road.

If it's any consolation, religiously speaking, it is almost surely less troubling to break an engagement to marry than a marriage.  Less pain, less financial impact, less a lot of things.  The Scriptures take marriage seriously but engagements are a little less so, promises to marry and not marriage itself.  As an illustration, think of buying a house, a vehicle or some other binding obligation, you can fill out the papers well in advance but it's not locked in until it is signed by both parties.

Reminds me on something a local financial program host has said many times, said gently but with a bit of truth. 

1. If you want to accumulate wealth, don't get married.

2. If you want to accumulate wealth and get married, don't have kids.

3. If you want to accumulate wealth and get married or have kids, don't get divorced.

Notice that even he was able to identify progressive steps in a person's life and choices.  Engagement, as serious and wonderful as it is, leads to marriage but isn't the marriage itself.