My daughter is ready to give up :(

[SO tired]

 Hi all. I found this sight months ago and posted a few times but haven't since. I told everyone my 20 year old only daughter (child) has type 1 diabetes (since 7 yrs) Bi Polar and BPD along with other health issues, as if this wasn't enough for her

Her psychiatrist just added another med to her regimen and she took the first dose last night. Today she is extremely tired and cant function. She lives an hour away from me (she just spent 6 days at my home) and has a roommate although I'm afraid she is going to doing something to herself. This wouldn't be the first time. Her Father and I are divorced and he doesn't take her conditions as serious as I do... .

Has anyone heard of the institute for functional medicine before? She's almost ready to give up and I'm reaching out to anyone that can help her. I tell her that suicide is not the answer and she tells me to stop being "selfish". Am I? I'm afraid one day I will get a phone call... .some of you know the fear of what I'm talking about. It would kill me if that were to happen... .I love her so. I just don't know what else to do for her anymore except love and support her. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Stalwart]

Hey SO:

I’m really glad you came here and also so concerned for the situation that brings you here. It’s not often we talk about problems here with children who are affected by this disorder.

My heart so goes out to you on this one SO   and it’s so difficult to live with especially doing so much unsupported.

My one daughter went through this when she was younger. She made it through and did well but for four years there it was hell and so very frightening. Every parent’s worst nightmare is the loss of their child and with your daughter’s affliction affecting it I can only imagine how desperately concerned you are.

My daughter had such a difficult time trying to find her place in life and put any meaning to it. She was lost and so directionless and depressed. Like your husband my wife at the time, her mother, didn’t take it seriously and disassociated herself from the entire thing. “She’s just looking for attention!” Wow, stand back and really look what that is. I stuck by her like glue and pulled her out of every challenged situation she put herself into. I spent so many nights encouraging her to talk. Got therapy that she wouldn’t take and finally found direction in exploring different faiths and believes. She embraced it and somehow came through it being able to see that there was more and other possibilities to existence than she’d experienced in her limited years and life. Long story short she didn’t have a disorder but she turned out to be the most caring, earthly and wonderful person and mother imaginable.

Point is, years later we were all in a conversation, my daughters myself and some of their friends. Someone asked my daughters what their father was like. This was only two years ago. Both my daughters came to tears saying no one could have ever had a better father and my one daughter said that I “Saved her life so many times.” I was just shocked. The confirmation of having done the right thing so long ago was really meaningful.

Sweetheart it’s your job to stick with her and there just is no other direction you could possibly take with how much you love her.

“…she tells me to stop being "selfish". Am I?” Sweetheart don’t second-guess yourself for one minute. You are doing the right thing! You’re doing the only thing a loving parent can do. You stick to her like glue.

I’m afraid I can’t help you with the Institute for Functional Medicine, we probably live in different countries. But I do believe you’re on the right track. You know that psychotropic medicines, especially when combined have the possibility of enhancing depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies. You’re doing the right thing searching for a second opinion. It is the right thing to do. You know the threats, especially related to BPD so I have no need to go there.

A little hesitant to ask, but does or has your daughter self-harmed in the past or have any dependencies?  

There really is nothing else I know of that you can do that you aren’t doing by loving and supporting her. If she pushes you away - you reach out and bring her back sweetie.

It’s such a difficult task to be a wonderful mother with a child that has problems but you just stick to your guns and keep being that wonderful mother SO. She needs to know you love her as much as you do.

I hope she adjusts and this passes SO, you have my heart and my thoughts.

[livednlearned]

Hi Stalwart,

Hello to you, and I'm glad you're here posting. I'm sorry for typos or clunky sentences here, I'm writing quickly as I'm about to go offline, but saw your post and wanted to respond.

My son talked about not wanting to live when he was 8. For two years I tried to manage these conversations by saying all the things a parent would say, similar to what you mention.

It was when my son was 10 that I learned about validation, specifically for people who are experiencing suicidal ideation. I always felt I had to try and lessen the pain (saying, "you're loved, we all love you, we would miss you, you have so much to live for, you have this skill and that talent and this gift". These very loving and natural responses are speaking a different language though. Validation skills instead focus on accepting and acknowledging how the person feels. They need to know that someone is listening to the pain they are feeling.

So now when my son says he doesn't want to live, I say, "You must be hurting deeply to feel that way. Did something happen today that brought up pain?" Or something like that. There are whole books on it, and we have a bunch of materials here on the site.

Validation is one of the best skills I learned here. It must be practiced and refined, and if it does not work immediately with your BPD daughter, try it with someone who may present a less steep learning curve. When you get it right, it works.

Here are the materials on the site that might help:

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions



• Validation and Young Children

• Validation and Teens



• Validating Kids in Divorced and Blended Families



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others



• BOOK: The Power of Validation (for Parents)



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

I hope I am not repeating what you already know. I try to slow down and read through previous posts to get a feel for what has already been suggested.

Also, validation is one of the core skills in DBT, developed by Marsha Linehan. It's also one of the skills that researchers recognized worked with patients experiencing SI.



LnL