painted black, wouldn't make call

[Henry II]

My uBPDw has made and canceled her tenth dentist appointment and is having a fit because the clerk said she may want to see another dentist and she sent her some names.

Wife just let herself get madder and madder because she feels that should be the dentists job and not the clerks . All done via e-mails.

So she starts in with would  call and take care of it for her. and because I did not jump immediatly to the phone or even respond with an  "sure" I am painted black and she started in rehashing all the problems of our 22 years married. Tears and all the times I never stood beside her while she had to fight ! "I had to fight for everything" I am not a fighter until backed into a corner usually. We grew up in diametrically opposed homes.

I have read some books and I know where she is coming from. It is so difficult for me to just jump on the phone and blast out a clerk. She refuses to show me the e-mails. And just in the middle of me writing this went thru it again.

I am painted " Not a real man"  I know we are not supposed to fight but jeez, I just don't care anymore. Her ideas and behavior are not realistic . If I let myself take on her fights I'll blow up at the wrong person.

Don't know how to handle her.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with all of this. I can understand how so much of what you have described can be quite frustrating. It seem to me that DEARMAN might be a technique that can help you with situations like this.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[Henry II]

Took your advice and read up on DEARMAN and made some notes and will roll play with myself then try it out. I think she has used this on me. It is a lot to do for me as I am not used to haveing to learn a technique to get my point across.

At my age it is just too much work. But I don't see how I can walk out .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Henry II, I have been in your shoes many times.  I'm impressed how you handled it because I lacked your sense of good boundaries.  Unlike you, I jumped in when my BPDxW asked me to resolve issues she had with others due to her constant conflicts with various people in our lives: landlords, neighbors, contractors, in-laws, etc.  You did the right thing.  On the other hand, it's a no-win situation because if you stand firm, as you did, you will face the charge that you don't care, don't have her back, or don't have the ["guts"] to stand up for her.  Codependency involves doing something for another that he/she is perfectly capable of doing for him/herself.  You avoided the codependent response, which I admire.  Keep up the good work!  LuckyJim