Upcoming divorce: contest or not?

[still_in_shock]

We've been separated for over 5 months, and June is the month when he'll be filing for a divorce. My story details are given following the link in the signature. Key relevant facts in a nutshell are that he has:

- Dumped me and run when I was in between jobs

- Cashed out whatever joint savings I/we had, leaving me around $1000 not enough to even rent a room

- Was emotionally and mentally abusive into forcing me to vacate the apartment we were renting threatening with eviction through court, deportation revoking green card, etc

- Intended to drop me off of his health insurance, but couldn't legally as he then he couldn't file for the life changing event. But he is intending to. I am holding part time temp jobs that do not provide health insurance and I need it for my medical history of cancer

We do not own anything together, no joint assets or kids. At separation, he told me "don't you dare to financially screw me and apply for alimony. I will fight you in the court as I do not own you anything, we haven't been married long enough for you to qualify for anything".

Since my job situation is quite unstable and I have temp part time contracts lasting 1-2 months at a time with no health insurance or any benefits, I would want to contest the divorce for the court to order him paying for my health insurance. Especially given I dropped the one I had before him, as he insisted we should switch to him employer provided one. I had a great plan, which I cannot get back now.

He doesn't earn much, but is on a stable payroll with a safe employer offering good benefits. He's trying to rip the govt and get any benefit he can  provided his short military involvement. So he will be getting some income from those sources. And most importantly, he'll be getting the best graduate degree (with my instrumental help into getting there), and is claiming the govt to refund him the 50% of GI bill, thus pocketing the cash as the tuition will be free. So he's made that soft financial and structural foundation for himself, and once got approved for all these, he'd kicked me out... .

So the question to all those who's gone through a divorce with a PBD, would you advice to contest if just for the health insurance (my lawyer thinks I wouldn't be eligible for a spousal support due to a short marriage, and even is not too certain I'd qualify for the health insurance either), or shall I choose peace and go empty handed?

I'd want to contest for the health insurance, but thinking how much it could cost me in attorney fees, I think I'd end up paying more to the L than if I have purchased the insurance on my own.

Please advice.

[livednlearned]

There is often no justice in court actions, only people who lose more, or lose less. As sad as your case is, and unfair and all the rest, I would walk away and move on. You are an intelligent, hard-working, resourceful person with skills and a lot of resilience. You are going to heal from this and be stronger for it, and your options can improve with time. Don't let this make you bitter -- I know it's hard. Bitterness will push people away who may feel burdened by negative feelings, even if they like you and want to help.

Court will only keep you engaged in the conflict and subject to more of the same abusive behavior. And it will cost money, always with the possibility that you will be asked to pay your ex's legal fees if you lose.  

My assessment of family court is that they do not have a whole lot of patience for cases that don't involve children. Just an observation, it could be different in your court. Courts want people to act like grown-ups, they see a lot of repeat cases that backlog the system, and seem to assume that if you're in court, you need someone to solve your problems for you. Also, there are some tragic cases in family court. In my court, they do the serious child abuse and domestic violence cases first, and they still stick in my mind for how horrifying they were. I felt I had an awful case, but nothing compared to what these families go through.

Taking someone to court because you want health care will probably be small potatoes to family court, even though it is very important to you given your prior medical history.

[scraps66]

Many here years past divorce, and that had entered into similar circumstances, would now years later state that they would have just walked away if they had the chance.  If having the choice years later, to either stay engaged or be given an "out" I would venture to guess that nearly ALL would say, get out if given the chance would be the choice.

Again, this is all after now seven years of experience since my date of separation.  Two children involved so I couldn't just get away and sever ties.  Through hell and back now and again looking at a custody battle - seven years from date of separation.

Staying engaged is something BPs desperately want to maintain.  He may not be now, maybe his ego and emotional neediness is being fulfilled elsewhere, at this time.  But at some point he may bite on the opportunity to re-engage.  If you extinguish the opportunity you can limit his ability to get at you.   

[still_in_shock]

I appreciate your viewpoints shared based on similar experiences.

I guess you are right, I should just let it go no matter how unfair the situation is, and how outrageously he's treated and ab/used me. I guess, as a pro-justice pro-fairness person to my very core, I want the justice prevail and the evil doer be taught his lesson that he just cannot treat other human being like this. That is, there should be consequences for such inhumane deeds.

I'll probably have to accept that good doesn't always win the evil and make my peace with it. The only soothing thought to me these days is to shift my mind into believing that the fair God/Life/Universe will take care of all it.

[Thunderstruck]

Be thankful that you don't have kids with him (or any lasting ties). You can cut your loss, call it "stuff you lost in the fire", and move on with your life.

There are health insurance plans you can get that aren't too pricey. Plus with the Obamacare stuff you no longer get denied for having a pre-existing condition.

From my DH's custody battle, one thing we've learned is that it really is expensive to fight over things that should be fair but aren't. Even things that are court ordered that uBPDbm is supposed to pay that doesn't... .it's like a $30 loss versus thousands in lawyer fees to fight about.

[ForeverDad]

Would it be more advantageous for you to file first?  I'm thinking that if he files then he will fill it with all sorts of blaming, emotional innuendos and false allegations and then you'll end up being on the defensive.  It's hard to be proactive if you're suck playing Defense.  Do you have legal representation yet, or have you at least gotten a few consultations so you are more fully aware of your rights, obligations, risks and opportunities?

As for health insurance, usually during the divorce process the court orders that insurance arrangements, perhaps even spousal support, continue until the final decree.  Is he currently paying for your health insurance?  If so, beware that he might be planning to drop you from insurance just before filing for divorce.

Once the divorce is final then he has to inform his insurance company and you might have COBRA rights for a number of months afterward, though it would be at the full cost plus 2%, no employer contributions.

[still_in_shock]

I wanted to purchase my own plan, but with the Obamacare, you cannot just go and directly purchase the plan you want with the companies. I need a specific one that covers the providers I am with, as I do not want to change the medical teams I'v been with all this time. I cannot go for some cheap basic coverage either, as I am seeing a lot of serious docs and need lower annual deductible and, especially, copays. I see docs very frequently.

So the insurance co doesn't let you buy from them and redirects to the govt state health website, and they decide what you are eligible for. I needed a particular one for which I was ready to pay 50% and asked for 50% subsidy, but assessing my income, they didn't allow me getting it and put straight on medicaid. The latter, while very generous of the govt, I do not want to accept as I am not in that lowest quintile of the population, it is just the current circumstances that I am in/brought down to by my uBPDxh. The state said you either take the medicaid, or nothing. So I have the medicaid as a backup, while I am still on his employer plan, which I am sure he'll drop me off of once he files for the divorce.

I have a lawyer who is taking care of my immigration paperwork. She said "let him take care of the divorce and serve you, as he planned, and take care of the expenses". My budget situation doesn't allow me much room for using the lawyer for both immigration and divorce. He wanted/stirred up the divorce, I'll let him take care of it. Since most likely, I won't be contesting and just sign when he serves me, I do not think we'd end up in the court where I'll have to defend myself. Or am I wrong?

Would it be more advantageous for you to file first?  I'm thinking that if he files then he will fill it with all sorts of blaming, emotional innuendos and false allegations and then you'll end up being on the defensive.  It's hard to be proactive if you're suck playing Defense.  :)o you have legal representation yet, or have you at least gotten a few consultations so you are more fully aware of your rights, obligations, risks and opportunities?

As for health insurance, usually during the divorce process the court orders that insurance arrangements, perhaps even spousal support, continue until the final decree.  Is he currently paying for your health insurance?  If so, beware that he might be planning to drop you from insurance just before filing for divorce.

Once the divorce is final then he has to inform his insurance company and you might have COBRA rights for a number of months afterward, though it would be at the full cost plus 2%, no employer contributions.

[ForeverDad]

Warning:  Be very careful not to share information with him.  If you were in a functional and healthy marriage then sharing information would be fine and even necessary.  But since the marriage is imploding then telling him what you learn is more likely to help him than help you, harm you rather than harm him.  If ex makes mistakes, let him make them.  He's an adult, after all.  Repeat, be fully aware that sharing information or allowing yourself to be interrogated is most likely self-sabotaging behavior.  So don't sabotage yourself, okay?

So I have the medicaid as a backup, while I am still on his employer plan, which I am sure he'll drop me off of once he files for the divorce.

Unless the laws have changed, during the divorce process most marital obligations including health insurance cannot be changed except by mutual consent or by court order.  So no, he better not drop you after filing.  That is a big No No.  However, if he drops your coverage just before filing for divorce, you may still have basis to force him to reinstate it, that's a lawyer/court situation.

Remember what I wrote above... .beware what information you share with him, if you correct him and tell him what he can and can't do, then he is likely to choose the most difficult path - for you.  Ouch!

He wanted/stirred up the divorce, I'll let him take care of it. Since most likely, I won't be contesting and just sign when he serves me, I do not think we'd end up in the court where I'll have to defend myself. Or am I wrong?

It all depends on what he files.  If he keeps it simple, then okay to not contest.  Odds are, he will throw in a lot of blaming, distortions, etc.  At that point you'll have to review it all, decide how to respond and to what extent.

As regarding signing, when you are served most likely all you have to do is sign that you've been served, not that you accept and agree with the entirety of his paperwork.  Once you receive the papers then you'll have to carefully review them to verify he hasn't included anything bad or excluded anything good.  Beware that he he is likely to try to dump his debts onto you or grab more assets than he deserves.  Probably wise to get a legal opinion (or opinions from multiple consultations) regarding what to do at that time.

[still_in_shock]

ForeverDad thanks. What info sharing are you warning about?

[ForeverDad]

Let's use, for example, the matter of health insurance.  You think he may drop you from his health insurance coverage after he files.  If you tell him, "No, the court won't let you take me off during the divorce" then he could decide to cancel you before filing for divorce.  Whether or not he is allowed to drop you just before filing is a legal question us non-lawyers probably can't answer with certainty, but it would almost certainly make your life more complicated if you then had to petition the court to get it restored.  Much easier to get it continued than restored.

So before you tell him things, think twice.  As I wrote above, you don't have to volunteer information, nor do you have to submit to interrogations.  Remember the old motto... .Loose lips sink ships!

[still_in_shock]

I see, thanks. We do not talk. We've been NC for 5 months, until I recently broke it to tell him he is an evil person.

Those who's been through divorce, could you advice what rights do I have in my situation? What am I entitled for, given the short marriage, no joint assets, no kids. I have no clue about the divorce in general, and in this country in particular. Especially given I've never expected this happen to me. He basically pulled the rug from under my feet upon my return from a trip.

Also, can I file for a spousal support provided my temp job is through end of June when it pays me ok to afford the lawyer to resolve my immigration papers. But I will then be looking for jobs again, and if he takes away the health insurance, I do need help. Can I/shall I claim anything? Which is basically asking what i've already asked above and thought I'd let go. But then again, I am so stunned and speechless how I've been treated... .

Let's use, for example, the matter of health insurance.  You think he may drop you from his health insurance coverage after he files.  If you tell him, "No, the court won't let you take me off during the divorce" then he could decide to cancel you before filing for divorce.  Whether or not he is allowed to drop you just before filing is a legal question us non-lawyers probably can't answer with certainty, but it would almost certainly make your life more complicated if you then had to petition the court to get it restored.  Much easier to get it continued than restored.

So before you tell him things, think twice.  As I wrote above, you don't have to volunteer information, nor do you have to submit to interrogations.  Remember the old motto... .Loose lips sink ships!