Not sure if my husband has BPD or not, but this all sounds so familiar

[akern16]

I have been married for 10 months. I knew when I married him what I was getting into. We dated for 2 yrs before marrying. I am 44, he is 50. He was previously married for 23 yrs, me for 21. We have 3 grown children and two teenagers at home (mine), also two grandchildren (his). He is ironically a school counselor and I am finishing my RN.

My husband is very caring. He has a great need to take care of me, doing projects, bringing me treats, taking care of our home, encouraging me, etc. He never misses mass. He tells me every day that he is happy with me and he would never go back to his old life. Then every day he goes off to work and spends time looking at the facebook profile of his exgirlfriend. He knows this breaks my heart. He knows how badly, and he feels guilty. So much so that he made a fake profile to look at her. He also looks at her house/neighborhood on google and realtor.com.  Every 6 weeks or so, he flies into a rage and says he hates me, he has never been more miserable, he wants a divorce, I am trash, etc. Then I beg and plead for him to stay, remind him of all the good between us and that I am never walking out on him no matter how low he gets. he calms down and melts into my arms like a small child.  I have come to look at my husband like a boy who is playing basketball at the park and the game isn't going his way, so he wants to take his ball and run home. 

I am exhausted. I spend my days continually looking at this other woman's facebook profile, her pinterest pins, and hoping my husband is not looking at them, but I know he is. I do not understand. SHe dumped him because she could not take his depressions and his anger. His exwife divorced him for the same reason.

I will not leave. I love him deeply and the good times outweigh the bad 95:5  but I need help in understanding his compulsion to look at her and to berate me. Any ideas?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums! I would recommend reading through the lessons that you can find on the right side. It will give you a better understanding of your partner's behaviors and it will help you to assess your role in things.

As I read your story, I had a couple of questions:

How do you know that he goes to work and looks at her Facebook profile? How do you know that he is looking at her house on google and Realtor? Does he tell you these things or do you find them out by snooping?

What are you gaining from looking at this other woman's profile and pinterest? Seriously, how is that helping you? Are you comparing yourself to her?

If both of his exes left him because of his depression and anger, what makes you think that you are different? What makes you think that you can take this? I am not trying to be mean. It is really, really difficult to be in a relationship like this. You can't control your husband. When you sit around ruminating over some other woman's stuff, you are torturing yourself. That is NOT healthy for you.

 

[akern16]

I honestly do not know what I gain by checking this exgirlfriend out every day. It's like if I know every detail of her, then there won't be any surprises. I guess that doesn't make much sense to anyone not living through this.

I do find out he is doing this by searching his computer. He lies to me about doing it, so I search. It validates my anxiety. I am not living in a fairytale. I need to know the truth in order to know what to do each day.

I don't know if I can handle him any better than his exes did, but I think that I do understand his depression/anxieties, etc better, because I fall into my own dark pit a couple of times a year. I'm willing to stand by him as he faces his demons. But he has to be faithful. That's all I ask. I can handle the yelling, the silent treatment, the highs and lows. I will not handle another woman in our marriage. Do all people with BPD cheat?

[vortex of confusion]

I honestly do not know what I gain by checking this exgirlfriend out every day. It's like if I know every detail of her, then there won't be any surprises. I guess that doesn't make much sense to anyone not living through this.

I have been there. I used to check my husband computer all the time. I know how easy it is to get obsessed with something like that. The thing is that it isn't doing you or anybody else any good. You are spending all of this time working yourself into a tizzy.

I do find out he is doing this by searching his computer. He lies to me about doing it, so I search. It validates my anxiety. I am not living in a fairytale. I need to know the truth in order to know what to do each day.

What choice does he have? How would you react if he told you the truth? I am assuming that the person he was married to for 23 years is the mother of his children. Is he looking at her stuff because he is looking to see if there is anything about the kids?

Are you planning your life around him and what he is or isn't doing? What kind of life is that? If you went on his computer and found nothing, would you still be anxious or would you think that he had learned how to hide things?

A lot of people here have been through things similar to what you are going through. At some point, the only way for things to improve is for you to start living your life and not be so focused on him. It sounds like your life centers around him and what he is or isn't doing. Read some of the lessons to get a better understanding of his behaviors as well as yours.