radical acceptance

[teachersub]

Hi,

My beloved granddaughter will turn two years old this August.My undiagnosed 44 years old son and his fiancee have still not let me see her since she was 4 months old. My whole sad chronicle of events is on this board which you can read if you wish.

I thought I would never get through the constant sadness and depression of the whole year of 2014. I had the absolute worst year of my life,and it still eats at my heart. But I finally was jolted into reality when my sister let me know that my son and fiancee had told my nephew and his wife that they would like to get pregnant again. They had said way back that this would be their only child because at their age they just wanted to concentrate on her.

I sat there thinking that I could cry my eyes out,and fall back to where l was, or I could realize that I probably should not even try to see them again as this would happen over and over again and I couldn't face it with another grandchild. I truly felt my heart harden at that point. I physically cannot and do not cry about this anymore. Acceptance sucks (pardon the language) but it is all that is left.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Ooof. That is so painful, teachersub. I'm so sorry that 2014 was hard for you and that your son cannot make room for you in his life. That's a really painful thing on its own, not to mention being estranged from your grandchild too. A double blow, and I can only imagine how painful that must be. I think I posted on one of your other threads about how my ex (uN/BPD) split his parents black, so my son (now 13) has never met his grandparents.

I was thinking about your comment about radical acceptance, how you could feel your heart harden. I understand this -- the desire to not hurt so deeply and painfully. I wonder, though, if there is a third way? Radical acceptance is based on mindfulness, which is about allowing experiences instead of suppressing or avoiding them. Hardening your heart sounds like it would dull the pain. It may push the pain deeper somewhere that gets harder to access. My T talked about how when we start to turn off negative feelings, the whole system goes down, including joy and other positive feelings.

A third way might be channeling the love you feel for these grandchildren into a therapeutic alternative, like writing them letters that you store and make available to them when they're older. A scrapbook of memories and thoughts, what you want to share with them of your life. You have a voice in their lives, a presence and a love for them, and this can be shared, even if you cannot connect with them F2F in the way you want. They will always have grandparents, and it may touch them one day to know that you thought of them, that you had a full life, that you are part of their lineage. It is not bi-directional, of course, because you cannot interact with them. It's a way to be in their lives, though. A small consolation to you, perhaps a big one to them when they need it, later in life as they try to understand the full impact of having a BPD parent.

I wish my son had this. His paternal grandparents are a big blank box, and I cannot fill in any of the details for him (estrangement happened when I came into the picture). I sometimes wonder what it would be like to take S13 to see his grandmother (grandfather passed away) and extended family. My ex no longer sees my son, so this is complicated.

The desire to know what your family is like is powerful. You can radically accept what is by letting the estrangement be true, and also speak directly to it. It's allowing, acknowledging, accepting, and feeling.

Also, I'm wondering. The fact they did not acknowledge your letter. They didn't say to stop writing. Maybe another card? You may have an ally in your DIL, she may be like me, wondering... .the evidence of kind cards and letters would've helped me piece together the strange stories I heard about the grandparents. In the absence of that act of love and commitment, I had little alternative except to accept that the grandparents were indeed not interested in us.

[Rapt Reader]

I agree with everything livednlearned said, and also everything she has suggested, as a way of taking some steps in a forward direction

I'm really sorry for all of this continued pain, teachersub, and sorry that things haven't changed for the better yet 

Radical Acceptance (here: Radical Acceptance for family members) isn't actually becoming numb to the situation, but accepting it for what it is, and moving on in a tender and loving way for yourself.

And I love the suggestion to use this time away from your granddaughter by writing letters to her and putting together a scrapbook (or more than one) for her, for a time in the future that she can see that you've always loved her. Do it for her, and do it for yourself, teachersub