Mirroring/Idealizing new shiny toy. It's hard to comprehend...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've read so many articles, read posts on here, and have learnt so much about BPD from awesome members.  What I'm finding difficult to process even after I've grasped the concept of mirroring is the fact that my exBPD BFF is more or less someone I no longer know.  It sometimes feel like the person I knew is a ghost.

What's hard to comprehend is the person I see now is not the kind of person I would ever had become friends with, let alone thought of as family.  What is making things even harder is the fact we still work together - thankfully, in different departments.  Her shiny toy, who she is mirroring and idealizing now, also works there.

I keep my distance from her as much as possible, however there are times where we need to interact, or even bump into each other.  A month ago she was all lovey dovey with me like she used to be then the next two interactions a couple of weeks later she was indifferent and avoiding me.  I gather what I am experiencing is splitting?

This whole new persona and hot/cold behavior is blowing my mind.  I also admit that I'm finding it hard to see her shiny toy with her.  I can't help but think that maybe he will be the better friend for her, maybe he won't get any of the crazy, and maybe he will be the one to lead her to a better life.  I keep saying to myself, "Why can't he see through her?"  And that thought makes me feel crazy  

She still has a shrine on her desk of all the things I have given her over the years.  This also does my head in that it's all still there.

We have so many mutual friends and co-workers that it's near impossible for me to completely go NC.  I see and hear things about her and I just can't escape.  

I know I need to go back to focusing on myself, which I was successfully doing, until recently.  I'm my own worst enemy for giving this so much thought and energy again after I had already been down this path before moving forward with my life.  I guess I've just hit a bump in the road

[Hadlee]

I've read so many articles, read posts on here, and have learnt so much about BPD from awesome members.  What I'm finding difficult to process even after I've grasped the concept of mirroring is the fact that my exBPD BFF is more or less someone I no longer know.  It sometimes feel like the person I knew is a ghost.

What's hard to comprehend is the person I see now is not the kind of person I would ever had become friends with, let alone thought of as family.  What is making things even harder is the fact we still work together - thankfully, in different departments.  Her shiny toy, who she is mirroring and idealizing now, also works there.

I keep my distance from her as much as possible, however there are times where we need to interact, or even bump into each other.  A month ago she was all lovey dovey with me like she used to be then the next two interactions a couple of weeks later she was indifferent and avoiding me.  I gather what I am experiencing is splitting?

This whole new persona and hot/cold behavior is blowing my mind.  I also admit that I'm finding it hard to see her shiny toy with her.  I can't help but think that maybe he will be the better friend for her, maybe he won't get any of the crazy, and maybe he will be the one to lead her to a better life.  I keep saying to myself, "Why can't he see through her?"  And that thought makes me feel crazy  

She still has a shrine on her desk of all the things I have given her over the years.  This also does my head in that it's all still there.

We have so many mutual friends and co-workers that it's near impossible for me to completely go NC.  I see and hear things about her and I just can't escape.  

I know I need to go back to focusing on myself, which I was successfully doing, until recently.  I'm my own worst enemy for giving this so much thought and energy again after I had already been down this path before moving forward with my life.  I guess I've just hit a bump in the road

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Hadlee-

What's hard to comprehend is the person I see now is not the kind of person I would ever had become friends with, let alone thought of as family.  This whole new persona and hot/cold behavior is blowing my mind.

 

Yes, someone with an unstable sense of self who mirrors other people to complete themselves, their self, by taking the good they see in them as their own, is very hard to comprehend.  It makes us wonder who the hell was I in a relationship with?  Well, the best parts of ourselves, as seen through a borderline, which is why they were so attractive.  Until they weren't.

I also admit that I'm finding it hard to see her shiny toy with her.  I can't help but think that maybe he will be the better friend for her, maybe he won't get any of the crazy, and maybe he will be the one to lead her to a better life.  I keep saying to myself, "Why can't he see through her?"  And that thought makes me feel crazy  

Were you able to see through her initially?  Borderlines are driven to attach, it's survival, so they get very good at it, but if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, we know what that guy is in for; the stages of a relationship with someone who is incapable of a sustainable one are predictable.

I know I need to go back to focusing on myself, which I was successfully doing, until recently.  I'm my own worst enemy for giving this so much thought and energy again after I had already been down this path before moving forward with my life.  I guess I've just hit a bump in the road smiley

Maybe you're not going down the same part of the path again, just a farther part with a bump in it, and it's worked so far, so forward is still the way.  Fall down 5 times, get up 6.  Take care of you!

[Hadlee]

I also admit that I'm finding it hard to see her shiny toy with her.  I can't help but think that maybe he will be the better friend for her, maybe he won't get any of the crazy, and maybe he will be the one to lead her to a better life.  I keep saying to myself, "Why can't he see through her?"  And that thought makes me feel crazy  

Were you able to see through her initially?  Borderlines are driven to attach, it's survival, so they get very good at it, but if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, we know what that guy is in for; the stages of a relationship with someone who is incapable of a sustainable one are predictable.

Thanks fromheeltoheal

I didn't see through her initially - did feel that something wasn't right, but couldn't put my finger on it.  Also ignored my gut instinct.  I actually went over my old Facebook posts from the early days when we became really close, and I can clearly see from what I had written that confusion and cracks set in about 5-6 months into the friendship. 

Like others, I stuck with her not knowing anything about BPD.  Thanks for the reality check... .yes, he will experience the same chaos.  I must remember that      

[Mutt]

A month ago she was all lovey dovey with me like she used to be then the next two interactions a couple of weeks later she was indifferent and avoiding me.  I gather what I am experiencing is splitting?

A pwBPD will also split friends. A criteria for BPD is unstable inter-personal relationships, a bond with a partner, family member or friends. I recall my ex would avoid friends for a short period of time and sometimes weeks. I would ask her why she's avoiding her friends calls and she would say She calls me too much. She would then become "into" that friend again. This would go on and off. I don't know if her friend would invalidate her and she would push her friends away. She would also treat some of her family members this way too.

When you're "all good" to a pwBPD your fulfilling something that person needs and if you're not fulfilling something that person needs or the person feels like you're a threat or hurt then you're pushed away or "all bad" It's seeing things in a way that's polarized, either you see all of one or the other and not having the ability to see the person as an integrated whole or the grey area in people.

That hot and cold treatment that you are getting is splitting, she sees you as either "all good" or "all bad". One way to cope with the indifference is to ride it out, that's how I cope with splitting with my ex partner. It's how her mind works it's a maladaptive coping mechanism for her to cope with anxiety and stress. I see it as I meant something to her, I was someone that she cared about when I was split black.

[skittles22]

I still have trouble comprehending all this myself. How they can forget us and move on to someone else so quickly and mirror them completely like they mirrored us is beyond comprehension. Finding a partner to be in a relationship with takes time and work for all of us, in between seeing that partner you have plenty of time to think about what you're doing and if it's right or wrong... .and we're supposed to see this as a disorder. From the outside it absolutely looks like calculated behavior and it's hard to excuse it as just a mental illness that they cannot control. I looked through my exBPD's old blog a while back and she revealed how she had some guys "in mind" to flirt with, manipulate and have sex with. From what I've personally seen and experienced it's nearly impossible for me to excuse it as just an "illness".

Or maybe it really objectively is a mental illness and they're not all just psychopaths. Well, therapy so rarely works and medication so rarely works... .I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

[Hadlee]

That hot and cold treatment that you are getting is splitting, she sees you as either "all good" or "all bad". One way to cope with the indifference is to ride it out, that's how I cope with splitting with my ex partner. It's how her mind works it's a maladaptive coping mechanism for her to cope with anxiety and stress. I see it as I meant something to her, I was someone that she cared about when I was split black.

Thanks Mutt.  Always appreciated

I'll try thinking like that.  Guess I'm just having one of those days where nothing is making sense

I should actually embrace this time and be thankful I'm not idealized right now

[Hadlee]

I still have trouble comprehending all this myself. How they can forget us and move on to someone else so quickly and mirror them completely like they mirrored us is beyond comprehension. Finding a partner to be in a relationship with takes time and work for all of us, in between seeing that partner you have plenty of time to think about what you're doing and if it's right or wrong... .and we're supposed to see this as a disorder. From the outside it absolutely looks like calculated behavior and it's hard to excuse it as just a mental illness that they cannot control. I looked through my exBPD's old blog a while back and she revealed how she had some guys "in mind" to flirt with, manipulate and have sex with. From what I've personally seen and experienced it's nearly impossible for me to excuse it as just an "illness".

Or maybe it really objectively is a mental illness and they're not all just psychopaths. Well, therapy so rarely works and medication so rarely works... .I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

Yeah that does seem like inexcusable behavior... .for sure! 

It is baffling how they can move on like that.  I have even tried to put myself in her position and imagine what it would be like, but I still don't get it nor can I feel it   Hmmm... .guess that's a good thing hahahaha

That's probably a big part of my problem.  As an empath, I can put myself in other peoples position and understand how they feel.  This situation... .I can't for the life of me feel it.  I have empathy for the low self esteem, the anxiety and the depression she deals with, but everything else is foreign.  It's like my life is invaded by an alien