She's back in 24 hours...

[gomez_addams]

So I'm prepping for the stbx uBPDw to fly in tomorrow night.  I'll be in a hotel room.  A friend from church and her husband are giving her a ride home from the airport.

I'm cleaning and tidying up a bit around the house tomorrow, changing a flat tire on my car, and getting out of here before she flies in.

Trying to figure out what to do with my desktop computer... .will definitely nuke the histories/saved passwords.  I have a few financial spreadsheets that I'll put in a drop box... .maybe see about password protecting them.  Basically it's my "how much can I afford to pay her" spreadsheet.

I set a pair of questions to my lawyer via e-mail, but I figure she won't see them until Tuesday.

I'm going to be browsing rooms for rent, and might extend out in the hotel through the weekend.  It's a waste of money, but I'm going to be wasting lots of money in the next month or two... .If I stay through the week, I can focus on work.  I have to do a decent job at work.  They've been patient with me this past year.

I'd hate to drop $1K or more on a monthly rental, only to have her sign a settlement, divorce papers, and pack up her stuff and leave.  We're supposed to set up an appointment with the parish priests for the weekend.  I think I might use that time to set a few boundaries, but I'm not sure. 

- I'm not fighting anymore.  I'm not justifying myself, defending myself, or explaining myself.  I want to end the marriage because I'm not healthy, the marriage isn't healthy, and I have no hope or belief that it will ever improve.  I will not allow my emotions to get out of whack, and I will walk out of any argument.

That's to prevent the myriad of accusations that I'm gay, found another woman, obsessed with pr0n, or have some other secret agenda that explains why I want a divorce.  I've found that the top trigger for her is me saying, "Sweetheart, when you... ." -- she immediately denies or blames me or minimizes the issue into no-big-deal.  There's no point in me getting riled up about all of her past behaviors, because there's zero chance of making any progress.  And eventually I'll unleash a 120 decibel F-word.  Which means I'm not being healthy and serene, and I'm contributing to the emotional mayhem.

I'd rather lay out the ground rules -- I'm not fighting any more.  I want to avoid saying, "I don't care" -- she hates that, and it does come across mean spirited.  Perhaps if I word it as "I don't have the energy to continue fighting/arguing/debating/explaining"... .and perhaps in the presence of the parish priests telling her that if she needs an explanation as to why I'm so unhappy -- this late in the game -- then maybe that's part of the problem.  Thus avoiding getting in to all the details.

I can't do a slugfest.  I'll break down and cry.  Or I'll lash out verbally.  I just want this over.  I want to start the healing process.  I don't want to worry if handling something wrong will result in suicidal ideation.  I don't want to worry about pushing over the edge.  I don't want to bring up an issue, knowing that her response will always be "but you do XY&Z" or "you are    insert insult   ."  Or denial.  There has never been, and never will be a discussion of anything she does.  It immediately becomes a discussion of what d-bag I am.

And I'm too fragile and fractured to handle that right now.  I'd rather tack on an additional $10K to the settlement to make it all go away.  I can make more money.  I can't make more time.

If I do stay in the house, in the spare bedroom, I'll work late and run the voice recorder when I'm home.  I'll basically come home to sleep.  I'll know in a week or two if things will be settled amicably.  If not, first rental to take my money and I'm out.

Anyway... .thanks for listening.  If anyone sees glaring holes in my plan or has more advice, I'm all ears.  I'll keep you all in the loop over the next few days.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

One of the best pieces of advice I learned about boundaries is to repeat the same phrase over and over. With someone who is BPD, it's easy to repeat that phrase over and over and over and over and over. Saying the same thing actually helped me detach from the emotions a bit because it felt almost comical, like I was an actor in a play. Sometimes, the phrase was, "no." Or "stop." Yours might be, "I'm done."

Also, you may want to do a video recording of the state of your apartment before you leave. To show the condition it was in before you left.

[gomez_addams]

One of the best pieces of advice I learned about boundaries is to repeat the same phrase over and over. With someone who is BPD, it's easy to repeat that phrase over and over and over and over and over. Saying the same thing actually helped me detach from the emotions a bit because it felt almost comical, like I was an actor in a play. Sometimes, the phrase was, "no." Or "stop." Yours might be, "I'm done."

Also, you may want to do a video recording of the state of your apartment before you leave. To show the condition it was in before you left.

Yeah, the broken record helps me a ton.  Not sure if it helps make any progress, but if I focus on it it keeps me from loosing my cool.

Good call on the video of the apartment.  Will do that FOR SURE.

Gomez

[GaGrl]

You may just want to put the desktop somewh safe for a while.

[livednlearned]

You may just want to put the desktop somewh safe for a while.

Good point. Or maybe just remove the hard drive or something, if you're inclined that way.

You can probably take the desktop legally because it's considered marital property, although good to check with an L if you're concerned the laws are different. The worst that would happen is she claims the computer in the equitable distribution. In the ED, the value is based on what you could sell it for on Craig's List, at least that's how they did it in my case (bit of a shock, that).

Basically, if it's irreplaceable, meaningful, nostalgic, or valuable, take it with you.

[GaGrl]

Which brings us to... .are there important, sentimental, irreplaceable items you should remove from the house prior to her arrival? Has she taken anger or frustration out on items before... .throwing, breaking? Where is your birth certificate? Passport?

[gomez_addams]

Which brings us to... .are there important, sentimental, irreplaceable items you should remove from the house prior to her arrival? Has she taken anger or frustration out on items before... .throwing, breaking? Where is your birth certificate? Passport?

I'm headed to a hotel for a couple of day.  I'll make sure important documents are secured, but the desktop is a pain to move.  I'll password protect the files, move them to a drop box, and nuke passwords/browser info.

Definitely going to video tape the place.


Gomez

[maxen]

Following on what the others have said Gomez, remove anything at all that is precious or important. You might want to put important computer docs in a cloud too, if that's your worry, and then delete them and scrub the drive with CCleaner or something.

[Thunderstruck]

Be cautious using the desktop in the future. My DH's uBPDx installed a keylogger program. She knew his password to almost everything. Change all your passwords.

He left behind a book of checks and she would actually use them.

We don't know what happened to DH's passport or social security card. He saved most of his old pics from childhood. There's still a lot missing. Stuff he lost "in the fire", so to speak.