Relief?

[Allmessedup]

hi everyone... .

I am now moving from the staying board to this one... .

I started off on the leaving board so who knows what will happen next.

My dxBPDgf and I have been together for 5 years.  She was dx as a teen and underwent some major therapy for it.  She and I worked together in mental health... .had a lot of BPD clients actually.  She was upfront with me and told me straight away she had BPD but had done the therapy... .had the coping skills etc... .

And she did great really... .but then she got physically sick (autoimmune) and its been this downward spiral ever since.  As her illness worsens so does the BPD behavior.

We had a bunch of mini separations and then she finally decided to leave for good.  I found the leaving board and the personal inventory board and set about learning about my own issues... .CoD./abandonment issues/ poor boundaries.   She emailed me about four months or so later and we recycled.  We talked about the BPD behavior, shame, boundaries etc

That was about a year ago.  Now in the last five weeks I had to be out of town for two of them the second one was unexpected as my grandfather passed away. 

And now just a week after I get home from that she has decided she wishes to be done with ALL intimate relationships forever.

Yes she is in a major dysregulation right now... .mixing past with present, incredibly angry hopeless etc.  she wishes to be friends.  So not what I want.

But my question is after I got done being super angry  and crying I started to journal and I find that a lot of my feelings are relief... .and sadness for her.

I love her so much, but things were so not getting better. 

It is a very different feeling than I felt last year.  And I wondered if any of you could relate?

She is a hermit/waif type really so her not wanting any relationship whatsoever does not hugely surprise me.  Nor honestly does her leaving.   I wanted very much for it to work.  I worked super hard on me, the lessons here, my own issues.

I know I played a very big role in all of this mess... .but I can't beat her demons for her.  And I guess I am just tired of trying.

I love her, I don't want anything bad to happen to her but I still feel relief in some ways so I am wondering if there is something wrong with me... .or perhaps I will just get blindsided later down the road.

Anyway... .anyone else here who can relate?

[Loosestrife]

Hi,

I'm sorry for the loss of your grand father and to hear your relationship situation 

I can relate to you feeling of relief. My ex had a very good insupight into her BPD and we recycled a few times. Each time, a little big more of ME seemed to fade. I know she loves me and I love her, but ironically it's this closeness/bond that brings out the worst in the disorder. I work in a similar arena and I have found that having exposure to mental illness at home and work is sustainable for my own mental wellbeing. I hope you can find some peace and support around you while you are going through this difficult time.

L

[Circle]

I can relate. I love my xSOw/uBPD also. And, it's a relief not being with them anymore as well. I think with time, will come all the mental clarity that hasn't caught up with you yet. I am starting now, with distance (like looking from a telescope), to see what I was dealing with. And, not necessarily in BPD terms. Just human terms; like the fact that my xSO lacked the basic enthusiasm about who I am. Like arriving home to a dog that doesn't jump up to see you; they just sit with their head on their paws and rotate their eyeballs. Little things, such as that, have become more clear to me over time. I'm happy for you, that you are feeling relief.

[Lucky Jim]

In my experience, sad to say, you can love a person w/BPD, yet find it impossible to be in a r/s with him/her.  BPD is extremely complex and our marriage failed, not from any insufficiency of love, but because I was slowly destroying myself and had no choice but to bail out.  Yes, with grief comes relief.  It's part of the plan, in my view.

LuckyJim

[sugargirl1111]

In my experience, sad to say, you can love a person w/BPD, yet find it impossible to be in a r/s with him/her.  BPD is extremely complex and our marriage failed, not from any insufficiency of love, but because I was slowly destroying myself and had no choice but to bail out. 

I agree a 100% to that.

Glad to have found this board thank you so much everybody.