DH getting more and more self-righteous about DD38

[thefixermom]

My DD38 has been living with us since late March. Her plan is to move across the country in a month or so.  She is inching in that direction but requiring lots of help in getting things done here so that she can make the move.  I'm in NO hurry for her to leave.  She has moved far away before and it was so difficult for me to have her that far because of the hardship in getting to her in the event of crisis plus going years without laying my eyes and hands on her.  

DH (her stepdad since she was 20) is losing patience and wanting to get tougher on her to make sure she does move and moves soon. He says he is tired of letting her coast and that someone needs to be the parent and launch her. He has a list of things he repeats about the things he has done for her that she should have done for herself.  Every time he starts in with this, my heart breaks... .for both her and him. He does not at all understand BPD and pretty much refuses to.  He just thinks I'm an enabler.  Naturally, his attitude is creating a divide between him and her.  He wants HIS needs met and says that he feels crowded in the house. I think there's plenty of room for all of us... .he has his shop, his big private room in the house and our bedroom.  I've done what I can to assuage him. When that didn't work, I told him that I think he's being selfish. He tends to do too much for others and then feel taken advantage of.  He also tends to watch her and complain about how she does things. For many years he was softer and more supportive.  She IS moving forward with her plans, only not as fast as he wants and he harbors a belief she will never leave... .which honestly, I could live with, because I would rather she gradually build a life here.  She's been much better and easier to live with and more helpful than in the past. But DH doesn't care.  He just wants all his space back and her gone. After trying to appease him and guide him toward creating more inner peace, and failing at that, I'm starting to resent him and his interference.  I feel for him, too... .but more and more I see him as disrupting his life as well as mine and hers.  He is of the "kids should move out when they are 18!" and I'm more lax about it because my own parents let me move back in a couple times when I needed to, so I feel like that is how my family is and has been and that my daughter deserves that support as well, since I received it.

Just needed to vent since there is no one to share this with here.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry fixermom, I've been there and it stinks.

Stay balanced. 

[thefixermom]

Thanks, lbjnltx.   Staying balanced is good advice.   

Kind of laughing at myself, too, because moments ago, DD came to tell me that ants are getting into her room.  She has a habit of leaving dishes in her room so I reminded her to not leave food in her room and she immediately got huffy and said, "Stop trying to shame me!"  I found myself momentarily wishing she would move, too in that instant, .