Needing help in detaching and regaining balance after an episode with my niece

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am struggling with feelings of guilt as I am trying to detach from my nieces illness - we just recently went through a horrible night where I had to call the police for a a safety check as she was gesturing suicide aggressively. She became combative with the officers and they put her in hand cuffs. This is our first such episode together. She had spun out for very good reason, her boyfriend abandoned her, moving out without her knowing while she was at her sister's graduation. Second time this has happened to her. Her mother, also a borderline, passed away 2 years ago.

I am in touch with her, but she continues to move back and forth between connecting with me and punishing me, and I am exhausted. I just need a place to be with people who understand the unique position and misery of loving a person with this particular disorder. The anger/empathy/sorrow/guilt of it all. IT is so horrible to watch someone you love so dearly suffer like this. She is on meds, has a therapist and yet know one will tell her what her diagnosis is.  I have been told not to but i feel she won't be able to understand what is happening to her and can get on board with her own treatment until that happens. I have my own stressful family situation as well as trying to figure this all out. Feel like I need an ALANON program  for borderlines and this forum looks promising... .any thoughts?

[agathacurry]

I am struggling with feelings of guilt as I am trying to detach from my nieces illness - we just recently went through a horrible night where I had to call the police for a a safety check as she was gesturing suicide aggressively. She became combative with the officers and they put her in hand cuffs. This is our first such episode together. She had spun out for very good reason, her boyfriend abandoned her, moving out without her knowing while she was at her sister's graduation. Second time this has happened to her. Her mother, also a borderline, passed away 2 years ago.

I am in touch with her, but she continues to move back and forth between connecting with me and punishing me, and I am exhausted. I just need a place to be with people who understand the unique position and misery of loving a person with this particular disorder. The anger/empathy/sorrow/guilt of it all. IT is so horrible to watch someone you love so dearly suffer like this. She is on meds, has a therapist and yet know one will tell her what her diagnosis is.  I have been told not to but i feel she won't be able to understand what is happening to her and can get on board with her own treatment until that happens. I have my own stressful family situation as well as trying to figure this all out. Feel like I need an ALANON program  for borderlines and this forum looks promising... .any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi agathacurry

I am sorry to hear about all this that's going on with your niece. She was handcuffed by the officers, where is she now?

BPD is quite a challenging order to deal with. How old is your niece and when was she diagnosed?

It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that certain people with this disorder make suicidal gestures. Is this something she has done before or was this the first time that you know of? Many people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment an having her boyfriend leave like that was a clear trigger indeed.

To get you on your way here, I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. They can help you get a better understanding of what's going on with your niece and hopefully also help you in your communications with her.

Take care

[thefixermom]

Hi,  you found  a great place to find help, to vent, and to be amongst like-minded others struggling with the "anger/empathy/sorrow/guilt" that plagues our relationships with loved ones.  It's been a long road of pain for you with a deceased sister who suffered, as well. I can't imagine how that has added to the weight you carry for your niece.  I find myself in agreement with your logic about how your niece should receive a diagnosis.  It doesn't sound as if she is in full denial, given that she is receiving therapy and medication. Do they feel she cannot handle it? Or that it could bring on more destructive behavior? It seems to me there must be a way to frame it in a manner where she can accept it as a result of her difficult childhood or ?  My D was more than happy to receive a diagnosis of PTSD but would never accept BPD.  In fact, when I shared a documentary on the subject, I did it in the context of wondering if I had BPD just to get her to watch it.  She watched it and said, "You are much worse than the people in that film!"   That surprised me but it also alarmed me because since she projects herself on me, it told me that (at the time) she herself was much worse than the people in that film.