Can't cope with the head games

[Lu Lu]

Hello , I am in desperate need of coping with the recent breakup with my partner who shows extreme signs of Bpd .

I decided after four years of huge ups and very frequent downs , to end the relationship .

The ex says I'm to blame for everything as I did not love her as much as she loved me .

I find this so insulting as I turned my life upside down to be with her .

It was my first lesbian relationship and my parents and children found it very hard to get used to . My parents especially . My children got used to it .

Due to so many ups and downs I did not speak to my parents much about her , but she was always here with me and my children . She went mad at me for not telling my parents that she helped me with some chores round the house . I tried to explain its so hard for my parents and myself so it's best not spoken about but she went mad .

I've lost contact with the majority of my friends . The couple I have , she had a go at me for texting them while we were trying to talk one night .

It wasn't an important conversation and one of my friends was having some problems . I apologised for texting while we were talking and explained why I was texting . She went mad at me saying I was having irrelevant conversations with her .

She lives on her own , has no friends , but did spend the majority of her time at my house .

She is adamant I don't love her as much as she loves me and it proved it because I have ended the relationship .

I cannot cope with the messages she sends .

She said she wished me no happiness , hopes I'm never happy and hopes I wake up and regret giving her up .

She messaged early hours of this morning saying she misses me and will always love me and was at a bad point and had to say .then said sorry .

I replied that I would always love her and what is she sorry for ?

It took her all day to reply

All the pain .

I've said its ok .

The way she gets me is that I can see she's online all day but does not respond to my reply to her message . Why does she do that ?

She's told me she overdosed two weeks ago , I went there and called ambulance .

This week she sent a message saying that I'm alright I got all I need around me , and that she's left a note and a letter for me .

How do I cope with all of this ?

Why does it have to be like this ?

[Loosestrife]

Hi, I can relate to some of what your going through. Does she recognise she has a problem and after reading the lessons on this forum, do you want to stay in the relationship? She will keep this circus going for ever more, it's prob all she knows. The question is what do you want?

[Circle]

The way she gets me is that I can see she's online all day but does not respond to my reply to her message . Why does she do that ?

I'm guessing that she is trying to make YOU feel bad, because SHE feels bad. If you fall for it, then it works. What has helped me, in the end of a relationship with a BPD, is counseling. And, being able to process my feelings with a counselor. I'm sorry that you are suffering; I wish you the best as you heal. 

[Lu Lu]

Hi, I can relate to some of what your going through. Does she recognise she has a problem and after reading the lessons on this forum, do you want to stay in the relationship? She will keep this circus going for ever more, it's prob all she knows. The question is what do you want?

I feel so sorry for her , but she is so destructive . I know she is so manipulative , always has been , and it seems whatever I do , something else crops up .

I love her very much , but this cannot be a happy healthy relationship when she lies the way she does and seems so jealous of everything .

I'm so hurt by the way she has treated me , I've had my moments myself don't get me wrong , but it seems she wants me all to herself and is even showing jealousy toward my parents !

I cannot continue in this cycle any longer , it's so painful whatever I do to be honest .

Thank you so much for your reply x

[Lu Lu]

The way she gets me is that I can see she's online all day but does not respond to my reply to her message . Why does she do that ?

I'm guessing that she is trying to make YOU feel bad, because SHE feels bad. If you fall for it, then it works. What has helped me, in the end of a relationship with a BPD, is counseling. And, being able to process my feelings with a counselor. I'm sorry that you are suffering; I wish you the best as you heal. 

I think your are 100 % correct ! I fall for it every time ! I always go running back , she sits and waits for me to crumble and I always do .

I've been in counselling for two months now and it has helped so much , it has taught me to detach myself from it and not argue . There is no point arguing when she truly believes what she is saying is real !

I've accepted that she feels I don't love her as much as she loves me , which I think is so wrong , but how can I even try to get through to her ?

I left my children s father to be with her , put myself in serious financial difficulty as a single parent to be with her , really upset my parents by doing this and turned my life upside down . Lost my friends and I even feel I've lost myself in all of this .

Please tell me the pain and worry goes away . I don't know how many more abusive messages and suicide threats I can cope with .

I miss and love her terribly but I'm caught in a web that I've got myself in .

[Tomzxz]

I don’t like to give advice, I am far from an expert but I can tell you what I did to reach my conclusion that inevitably allowed me end my relationship.  Firstly, you need to love yourself more than your partner.  I know that’s a hard concept at first and I still struggle with it but you really do need to put your needs first and be in a stable mental condition before you can fully love your partner.  Second. Ask yourself if you are happy in your relationship or just afraid of not having a relationship, this was a big one for me.  Third. I started to think about my partner in ways that I never could have imagined towards the end.  I asked myself if she would have ever cared for me if I had become terminally ill or became crippled in some way.  I realized from watching her interact with people in our lives that her selfishness had no boundaries and she would have dropped me fast if I couldn’t take care of myself because of an illness or injury.  I know I was surmising what I think she might do but by then I knew her well enough to know she doesn’t care for me the way I care for her.  She simply can’t care for me the way I care for her, it’s the fundamental source of the whole problem - a lack of empathy.  I simply can’t allow somebody like that into my life.  :)on't mistake sympathy for empathy.

Everyone is different and everyone has their reasons for getting into and staying in a relationship. I found this piece of advice helpful... . 

"It is up to you to choose your friends, lovers, and associates consciously. You actively seek out people who inspire and challenge you, and you willingly shed those who hold you back. You hold yourself accountable for the relationships you allow into your life. You hold others accountable for their behavior, but you hold yourself accountable for your decision to tolerate such behavior."

[Lu Lu]

I don’t like to give advice, I am far from an expert but I can tell you what I did to reach my conclusion that inevitably allowed me end my relationship.  Firstly, you need to love yourself more than your partner.  I know that’s a hard concept at first and I still struggle with it but you really do need to put your needs first and be in a stable mental condition before you can fully love your partner.  Second. Ask yourself if you are happy in your relationship or just afraid of not having a relationship, this was a big one for me.  Third. I started to think about my partner in ways that I never could have imagined towards the end.  I asked myself if she would have ever cared for me if I had become terminally ill or became crippled in some way.  I realized from watching her interact with people in our lives that her selfishness had no boundaries and she would have dropped me fast if I couldn’t take care of myself because of an illness or injury.  I know I was surmising what I think she might do but by then I knew her well enough to know she doesn’t care for me the way I care for her.  She simply can’t care for me the way I care for her, it’s the fundamental source of the whole problem - a lack of empathy.  I simply can’t allow somebody like that into my life.  :)on't mistake sympathy for empathy.

Everyone is different and everyone has their reasons for getting into and staying in a relationship. I found this piece of advice helpful... . 

"It is up to you to choose your friends, lovers, and associates consciously. You actively seek out people who inspire and challenge you, and you willingly shed those who hold you back. You hold yourself accountable for the relationships you allow into your life. You hold others accountable for their behavior, but you hold yourself accountable for your decision to tolerate such

Thank you for such sensible advice ! I am having counselling and finally seeing that I'm clinging onto the romantic dreamy times we first had and hoping that they will return . After separating time after time , this dreamy period happens , but get more and more short lived each time .

She is seeking help for herself and I tried my upmost to help her . In her opinion I made her feel like it was an effort for me . I cannot see how I did that at all ! Whatever I do isn't good enough .

I must have a helper carer rescuing nature , and it's all a huge cycle .

She has messaged just now asking " how are you ?"

I don't want to be horrible and ignore her , but dread another set of mind game texting .

It is me that has let this continue and only I can get myself out . Since my therapy I can see mistakes I make in arguing my point until my head explodes , and I see it's not the way to deal with things .

I can't thank you enough for your advice . It's been really helpful .

I'm trying to stay distanced .

Your right in thinking about how they would behave if you really needed them selflessly . There isn't a selfless thing she does , she always seeks reward for the tiniest of things .

It's all a big mess and I cannot stand feeling like this .

A very grateful thank you for your help xxxx

[Loosestrife]

I found this useful: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[Tomzxz]

A friend of mine just looked at my ex's face book page.  she goes by the name wildwoman now and has completely reinvented herself in less than one month after our break up. I don't even recognize this person. New friends, a new boyfriend, three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with such ease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

If it were me I would end it.  You have more self worth than to be with someone that makes you feel bad.  That's the conclusion that I reached.

If you want to try and fix it you will only get more and more involved with this person and breaking up in a year or two will be more devastating to you then it is now. 

[Lu Lu]

You must feel so hurt . The fact she is doing all of this happy reinvention for all to see and she probably knows you'll see or find out , is rubbing salt in a wound .

She has the right to move on , but it seems that her actions are a bit childish and have revenge at heart .

Think to yourself how she really is day to day , can she really be this happy this quickly ? if she has Bpd then she is just starting a whole new cycle elsewhere and it will probably end up in the same mess as it did with you .

They seem revengeful souls and I don't think they see the impact of their actions on other people .

There seems to be far too many broken souls out there and we need to be strong . Keep reading the advice on here , it all makes so much sense !

I'm sorry your feeling so low , it's a dreadful place to be .

I almost wish I'd never met my one as I feel my life will never be the same again !

[Lu Lu]

I need to see and can see I can't fix her . Only she can fix herself and the same goes for me .

[Surg_Bear]

Lu Lu-

I'm so sorry that another life has been ruined by this horrible disease.

You have every right to feel as hurt as you do. You were treated terribly, and manipulated into a no-win situation.

I can't speak to everything you have included in your post about your partner, but I would like to comment on one thing:

The flight into health.

Please consider the following.

Her mental health, or lack thereof, was horrible at best.  She threatened suicide. She was mean to you. She made you choose her over people in your life who have known you, and loved you longer than she- including your family. She was inserting herself between you and your parents. All the while, she suffered terribly, and blamed you for it.

Now, it seems, she can just flick a switch, and fly into paradise and happiness.

What does this say?

What does this say about her attachment to you?

All she had to do is flip the switch and her happiness light would turn on. Right?

Well, then why didn't she do it for you?  If her happiness is as easy as waking up one day, and deciding to be happy... .Why weren't you good enough to flick the switch for? Everything you did for her. Everything you didn't do- for her benefit- instead of taking care of yourself.  She couldn't once think, "I could turn on my happiness button for Lu Lu"

Why do you think that is the case?

Because THERE IS NO HAPPINESS BUTTON for her to switch on.  She is not currently "wildwoman" because she's happy and all put together. She is "wildwoman" because she is still the same unhappy, borderline crazy, manipulating, crazy making, mind game playing lump of crap she was when she was with you.

She is either:

1.  Lying by pretending happiness comes this easy for her.

2. A sadistic monster for NOT making her happiness button work for all that you did for her.

It's your choice in how you define this moment in your history. Is she a liar? Is she sadistic?

Either way, keep her part of your history, and take the proper steps in taking your life, and your right to determine your own happiness, out of her hands. She doesn't deserve that much power over you- because look at how she abuses that power.

You know you are worthy of so much more. SO MUCH MORE.

Good luck.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Circle]

Third. I started to think about my partner in ways that I never could have imagined towards the end.  I asked myself if she would have ever cared for me if I had become terminally ill or became crippled in some way.  I realized from watching her interact with people in our lives that her selfishness had no boundaries and she would have dropped me fast if I couldn’t take care of myself because of an illness or injury.  I know I was surmising what I think she might do but by then I knew her well enough to know she doesn’t care for me the way I care for her.

I started to think this way also. And, after knowing my S.O. for a while, I came to the same conclusion; a lack of empathy, as you say.

[Circle]

"I must have a helper carer rescuing nature , and it's all a huge cycle ." -LuLu

I don't know if someone responded to this, or not. You may want to look up information on bpdfamily, about Co-Dependency and being a Co-Dependent.

[Circle]

I don't even recognize this person. New friends, a new boyfriend, three trips planned, going back to grad school.

I've had this happen to me, in a relationship with someone who had issues that I never identified. And, with a person that I think has BPD. Both people never finished their classes and failed in the end. The first person also lost their brand-new lover (was cheated on by them). So, even though this junk appears real and sad, it's an illusion. Still, hard to stay away from their social-media. I got vexed today doing the same thing. Maybe I shouldn't look!

[Tomzxz]

It's my understanding of BPD that she isn't really happy inside, at least not like she is currently projecting.  As a matter of fact, she probably feels dead inside and that explains the furry of happy activities.  They are always on the run from their feelings. Someone with BPD said that they don't fear hell when they die because they are already living it every day. And frankly, that is the most fitting punishment I can think of for these selfish people. I know that in a year or two it will all come crumbling down around her. She will probably be further in debt and her new librarian degree wont be able to pay off her 70k in student loans. Her new friends will start to give her a wide berth until they reject her completely and she will hurt someone else with their own love only this time I don't have to be around to watch it.  Like you, I regret meeting her.  I actually curse the day I met her.  I was dating another woman at the same time I met my ex. She was a quiet woman from Venezuela, she was taking it slow but I went after the exciting, charismatic low hanging fruit. I kick myself every day for letting that woman go.

When I proposed to my ex, there was thunder and lighting all around us, I drover her around waiting for the rain to stop and when it did I proposed to her where we had of our first kiss.  Later that evening some guy backed his car into the front of mine.  I'm starting to think these were signs!

I guess my ex wasn't all that bad, I learned a lot about myself from her twisted mess of a life.  It's pretty bad right now but rest assured LuLu I am not ruined and neither are you.  You and I will be stronger from this, We will be much better partners for a more deserving, healthy and whole person when they come along.

[Lu Lu]

Everything you are saying is making perfect sense . There's be battling to please and keep her happy , and whatever I do , she pushes another boundary to get even more . Whatever she pushes for seems to involve me isolating myself from the few people I have left in my life !

She is really annoyed at me and keeps questioning how I am moving on ? I'm not , but I've ended the toxic relationship , which I played part in , I could not continue like this .

She deems me ending the relationship that my love was all a lie . Is it right there is no point trying to convince her otherwise ? There is no getting through to her . She seems obsessed with my emotions and keeps putting her own version of my feelings into I didn't care or love her enough . I've said that she doesn't know how I'm feeling so please don't say that .

I never knew people and relationships like this existed , but the thought that there as so many people out there like us is scary !

She has not had a good childhood so she tells me and I think that all her sadness and frustration gets projected onto me.

Thankyou all so much .

[Lu Lu]

I don't even recognize this person. New friends, a new boyfriend, three trips planned, going back to grad school.

I've had this happen to me, in a relationship with someone who had issues that I never identified. And, with a person that I think has BPD. Both people never finished their classes and failed in the end. The first person also lost their brand-new lover (was cheated on by them). So, even though this junk appears real and sad, it's an illusion. Still, hard to stay away from their social-media. I got vexed today doing the same thing. Maybe I shouldn't look!

It's so hard not to look , it's only punishing ourselves , and they know we look ! So we shouldn't ! We need to learn this !

[Lu Lu]

"I must have a helper carer rescuing nature , and it's all a huge cycle ." -LuLu

I don't know if someone responded to this, or not. You may want to look up information on bpdfamily, about Co-Dependency and being a Co-Dependent.

After reading all about this , I can see it's a co dependant situation . I've been part of the circus !

Do you feel you have too ?

I was unaware I was doing it , but can see I was now . It's my therapy that has also helped . She didn't like the changes I was making and she acted out more . I'd normally of reacted differently than I do now . I'd of argued my point , but now I don't . It makes her throw more s*** into the equation , in the hope I will argue .

I think that's how it's turning out . It's all new to me !

[Tomzxz]

LuLu, You cant argue with them. That is the central problem with the entire condition.  Remember, our BPD partner is a 3 year old trapped in an adult body.  Have you ever tried to argue with a three year old?  No, you cant, They cant process things like responsibility, empathy or validation.  My ex and I never fought for the first two years.  I think one or both of us was just accepting too many things without speaking up.  The fighting started happening when the relationship changed from casual to serious with a marriage proposal.  My ex had some kind of commitment phobia - I was painted black and that's when the fighting started.  She not only had an adversarial almost debate club type way of trivializing my feelings during an argument, she acted like a cold lawyer that lived by eating what she killed.  Eventually she controlled when and for how long we could argue going so far as to look at the clock as if to say no, it's too early to argue now.  Even when we did argue, they were always circular arguments without resolution.  If I met her halfway on something she would back up.  She constantly raised the goal post. Her controlling behavior was too much and the relationship was the farthest thing from healthy, she wanted out but she couldn't  initiate it.  Then one Friday she called me up while is was sitting in traffic. we start to argue and I ask her to stop talking to me in a condescending tone so she hangs up.  I get home and I confronted her with my theory she had BPD and she walked out without argument.  I actually felt my self-worth grow that evening.

[Circle]

she acted like a cold lawyer that lived by eating what she killed.

-Great line!  

Even when we did argue, they were always circular arguments without resolution.

-Yep. Always circular.

If I met her halfway on something she would back up.  She constantly raised the goal post.

-I've seen this w/my ex too.

I get home and I confronted her with my theory she had BPD and she walked out without argument.  I actually felt my self-worth grow that evening.

-Nice. Good job!

[Lu Lu]

LuLu, You cant argue with them. That is the central problem with the entire condition.  Remember, our BPD partner is a 3 year old trapped in an adult body.  Have you ever tried to argue with a three year old?  No, you cant, They cant process things like responsibility, empathy or validation.  My ex and I never fought for the first two years.  I think one or both of us was just accepting too many things without speaking up.  The fighting started happening when the relationship changed from casual to serious with a marriage proposal.  My ex had some kind of commitment phobia - I was painted black and that's when the fighting started.  She not only had an adversarial almost debate club type way of trivializing my feelings during an argument, she acted like a cold lawyer that lived by eating what she killed.  Eventually she controlled when and for how long we could argue going so far as to look at the clock as if to say no, it's too early to argue now.  Even when we did argue, they were always circular arguments without resolution.  If I met her halfway on something she would back up.  She constantly raised the goal post. Her controlling behavior was too much and the relationship was the farthest thing from healthy, she wanted out but she couldn't  initiate it.  Then one Friday she called me up while is was sitting in traffic. we start to argue and I ask her to stop talking to me in a condescending tone so she hangs up.  I get home and I confronted her with my theory she had BPD and she walked out without argument.  I actually felt my self-worth grow that evening.

This sounds like my life ! My ex dud it slightly differently , she would go home and not speak to me at all , then text saying how busy and relaxed and happy she was . Then would start hinting that she missed me , but not ever say , shall we see each other tonight ?

Once I'd asked her to my house , she would talk about how fantastic her life has been and that people adored her and came onto her whilst at work .

A great one was that her ex whom she had a civil partnership with asked her to meet for a coffee to discuss divorce .

I said " yes go , it needs to be sorted , give her a call "

She got moody about that !

I can't win whatever I say !

The quiet neediness moments where she would fish for compliments .i always complimented her , but then I'd get a ton of s*** thrown at me for times when we were having a laugh and I'd laughed at something she had done that was silly .

She would laugh at me and my children's silliness , but we couldn't laugh at her !

Woe betide I ever confronted her about her lies !

She told me she was Spanish for three years ! I later found out she was 100 % English ! Why would you lie about something like that ? Is this normal ?