Phone bill?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think the stbx is trying to access the phone bill. She texted to get the password, and said she'd swing by the cell provider's store front tomorrow.

First up... .Don't have a secret girl friend. Sorry to disappoint her.

Second... .I'm glad she's feeling better. She had to cancel the meeting she set up for us with the parish priest. I figure her migraine is gone. (/sarcasm)

Third... .I'm not sure if she's authorized on the account. Which should upset her royally.

I would prefer she didn't get the bill. She's probably play jr detective and call all of them.

Thankfully one of the landlords with a room for rent is contacting me tmw.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I think the stbx is trying to access the phone bill. She texted to get the password, and said she'd swing by the cell provider's store front tomorrow.

First up... .Don't have a secret girl friend. Sorry to disappoint her.

Second... .I'm glad she's feeling better. She had to cancel the meeting she set up for us with the parish priest. I figure her migraine is gone. (/sarcasm)

Third... .I'm not sure if she's authorized on the account. Which should upset her royally.

I would prefer she didn't get the bill. She's probably play jr detective and call all of them.

Thankfully one of the landlords with a room for rent is contacting me tmw.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

Sounds like she's playing detective. Trying to put the blame on you for the break up. She probably cant comprehend what is happening and is scared to admit to herself that her behaviour has caused this.

[gomez_addams]

Sounds like she's playing detective. Trying to put the blame on you for the break up. She probably cant comprehend what is happening and is scared to admit to herself that her behaviour has caused this.

It's almost liberating, in a weird sense. For two years the accusations were things that couldn't be proven. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm selfish. I don't pay attention to her.

Or things that were sometimes true, but made into absolutes. I never follow through on things. I always forget things.

I'd beat myself up, because maybe she was right.

But I'm pretty sure I didn't have an affair.

So maybe I wasn't a failure and a disappointment.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

What's the point of her visit if she is canceling the appointment?

[ForeverDad]

Projection of her behaviors and contemplations onto you?  Blaming and Blame-Shifting?

I had a preschooler when my marriage imploded.  It was her and 'her' child against the abusers in the world, the abductors in the world, former friends driven away, my family driven away and finally me driven away.  The way I describe her subsequent actions is that she felt compelled to make me look worse than her, even if it meant making repeated false (passive court: unsubstantiated) allegations.  I believe that is a factor in virtually all of the acting-out behaviors when a relationship is ending or has ended.

Since you don't have children and the marriage was relatively short, your situation may not be as extreme as many described here.  But still, be aware.  And be careful to never, not even once, loose your temper or self control, not even raising your voice, nothing that she could twist into an allegation.  Just in case.  Better to be prepared and nothing happen than something happen and you're not prepared or protected.

You have a right to appropriate privacy.  You have a right to confidentiality.  You have a right not to be interrogated.  You have a right not to be manipulated, pressured or guilted.  Especially if the relationship is ending.

If your response is NO, then let that be part of your simple boundary.  She can't force you to divulge passwords if the court doesn't require it.  And once you try to be 'reasonable' and relax your new-found boundaries, it is likely to enable more demands.

[enlighten me]

The fact that your phone bill has no secrets doesnt mean she will believe reality. It may be easier for her to believe you were the bad guy and must have another secret phone.

realising you are a bad person must be the most painful thing a pwBPD can do so avoiding that reality is the easiest option.

[maxen]

Third... .I'm not sure if she's authorized on the account. Which should upset her royally.

can you check that? i'd imagine that the company would have to tell you any information you ask about your own account. if she doesn't have the password then she might not be, she'd know it otherwise?

also, in addition to what FD said, don't be alone with her unless with others around.

[Sunfl0wer]

Instead of giving her more fuel aka access to the account, how about you use this opportunity to cancel the current plan, have separate accounts?

(Assuming we are talking about joint cell phones vs landline at apt)

[Sunfl0wer]

Third... .I'm not sure if she's authorized on the account. Which should upset her royally.

can you check that? i'd imagine that the company would have to tell you any information you ask about your own account. if she doesn't have the password then she might not be, she'd know it otherwise?

also, in addition to what FD said, don't be alone with her unless with others around.

My ex and I share a cell plan.  I cannot access it without the security code... .even when I contacted them from the phone from the plan!  I could not even pull my number off the plan without his permission!  I would have had to just open a brand new plan, new number too, for business reasons, I opted to stay on.

[gomez_addams]

She texted this morning that she merely wants to check the data plan an see if she can save us some money every month.

If that is true --- WOW that is scarier --- because she we're getting divorced.

I think she wants the list of numbers.

Either way, fingers crossed that a room for rent comes through.  Hotels and motels are expensive.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

For anyone else in the situation, you can call the provider and they will flag the account with a pop-up message: "uBPDw stbx does not have access to the plan, the bill, or anything else."

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Projection of her behaviors and contemplations onto you?  Blaming and Blame-Shifting?

I had a preschooler when my marriage imploded.  It was her and 'her' child against the abusers in the world, the abductors in the world, former friends driven away, my family driven away and finally me driven away.  The way I describe her subsequent actions is that she felt compelled to make me look worse than her, even if it meant making repeated false (passive court: unsubstantiated) allegations.  I believe that is a factor in virtually all of the acting-out behaviors when a relationship is ending or has ended.

Since you don't have children and the marriage was relatively short, your situation may not be as extreme as many described here.  But still, be aware.  And be careful to never, not even once, loose your temper or self control, not even raising your voice, nothing that she could twist into an allegation.  Just in case.  Better to be prepared and nothing happen than something happen and you're not prepared or protected.

You have a right to appropriate privacy.  You have a right to confidentiality.  You have a right not to be interrogated.  You have a right not to be manipulated, pressured or guilted.  Especially if the relationship is ending.

If your response is NO, then let that be part of your simple boundary.  She can't force you to divulge passwords if the court doesn't require it.  And once you try to be 'reasonable' and relax your new-found boundaries, it is likely to enable more demands.

This is all good stuff. Thanks.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

... .save US some money.

Yeah, sure.  Oh my, if you have her phone joined with your account, it would be best for her to get her own account sooner rather than later.  Yes, you want to allow her to take her number with her if possible.  But if your lives are separating, so should the phone accounts.

[maxen]

She texted this morning that she merely wants to check the data plan an see if she can save us some money every month.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm ... .

For anyone else in the situation, you can call the provider and they will flag the account with a pop-up message: "uBPDw stbx does not have access to the plan, the bill, or anything else."

perhaps you should keep it that way.

[livednlearned]

For anyone else in the situation, you can call the provider and they will flag the account with a pop-up message: "uBPDw stbx does not have access to the plan, the bill, or anything else."

Gomez

I did this too. Because it was my account, and he was only someone on the plan, they set it up so that I had a passcode.

There must be a playbook, because my ex did the same thing yours is doing.

Sweep your computer for key loggers after you return to your place and she's gone. And don't ever leave your cell phone somewhere she can access it without your knowledge. She can load surveillance software for as cheap as $125 and you won't be able to tell unless you pay a forensic IT person to sweep your phone.

[gomez_addams]

We won't be alone. Ever.

If I must pick up the mail, I'll bring a responsible third party.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

And I will ensure the integrity of any computers in the house. She's big on snooping my web browsing.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

We have a FAQ you can review here:

Frequently Asked Technical Questions

Which links to various topics including:

Can I be found out?