Drowning

[Esmee]

I've been seeing this guy since December. I just kicked him out of my house last week with the help and support of a dear friend.

I feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore. My head is swimming. I feel so much better with him gone but he keeps calling and texting. He's so intense it's intoxicating…and disorienting. I can truly not stand to be with this person for another second, the ups and downs were so extreme, mostly the downs. He was so controlling and he convinced me that he was there to offer me a great life but all of these things about me were standing in the way, for instance my reluctance to kick my roommate of many years out so that he, BPD-bf, could be more comfortable in my house – after knowing him only 1 month. The fact that I would stand up for myself made me argumentative and "manly."

I'm shaking my head and wondering how I even got here. It's been a very bizarre few months.

[Esmee]

I'm having such a hard time. He's called me ten times this morning at work, frantic as I finally said look we're better off not being together.

He can be so vulnerable and sweet and loving and apologetic about his anger and paranoia and acts like it will be different. Then in five minutes he can call me names and storm out if I don't do the right thing. Like if I pet my dog instead of hug him "when he's clearly upset."

I want to cry and scream. He pushes all of my buttons, namely the guilt and caring because he is so very needy. He took over my life. I could really use some advice.

[enlighten me]

Hi Esmee

by the sounds of it you have done the right thing. You understand he's not good for you and have set boundaries to protect yourself.

Disorienting is a word that best describes what it was like with my exgf.

Its a confusing time and having to interact with them just adds to the confusion. That is why NC is the best way forward. Let him know if he doesnt stop contacting you that you will take legal action. A restraining order miggt seem like a last resort so hopefully the threat of it may scare him off.

Keep your chin up it does get easier.

[OnceConfused]

Esmee:

First of all, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are the strategies used by BPD to control you.  They want you to be so confused with push/pull and so you will be their doormat. My xBPDgf did exactly just that - sweet, loving, angelic and then the wicked witch. We broke up and got back almost weekly.

SO the best way is :

1. To recognize the strategy they use (FOG). Once you see that, then you won't get your emotion involved.

2. Resist their attempt to pull you back in the R.S.

3. Be firm in your determination that this is over.

4. Stay NO CONTACT, after you say the final word - Good Bye.

5. Time will heal