Daughter has lost all motivation to work on her BPD

[clf1851]

My daughter has had a very rough road. And the last 2 years have really done us in as a family. We are taking all advice and doing our very best to be the right type of parents for her. She has resources, support, safety, etc. But she just seems to be getting worse and worse. Cutting, lying, risky behaviors, alienating herself from friends, etc.   Nothing is working or getting through anymore.  I'm worried we have completely lost her.  How do we care for her and care for the rest of the family at the same time. We are exhausted, mostly because none of our efforts are returning any progress.  Can anyone relate?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustAMum]

I can relate. My d has also cut in the past but to an extreme. She lands in the hospital needing stitches. Last time it was 20. She's also tried to OD. My d got sick about 3yrs ago and it's been one thing after another ever since. My d has also been in therapy. Does your d see a doc? I think the therapy helps her. My d will also try to manipulate me to get her own way. Over time I have become more and more aware of this and am trying to set boundaries. I find dealing with my d at times very stressful and draining so you definitely are not alone.

[twojaybirds]

There were so many times I thought I had lost my dd as well. This board helped me learn to make my boundaries so as not to lose myself.  The better I got at self care the better I learned how to care (usually by not caring) for her.  It was not easy yet it  has paid off. 

Remember the airbag theory, take care of yourself first and don't give up on you!

[madmom]

Dear clf1851---my story sounds similar to yours. My daughter is 27 now, but we first knew that she had some major problems at about age 16, so we have been dealing with this for a long time.    Last summer, my husband and I thought we had lost hope for our daughter.  She had been given everything, safety, resources, love, etc. and was just making so many bad choices regardless of that--lying, risky behaviors, alienating herself from family, thankfully she has never been a cutter, so I haven't had to deal with that one. Anyway, the pain and suffering my husband and I were going through was just unbearable, it felt like there was nothing left for us to do. Then, I stumbled upon this site and my husband and I took the time to work on the lessons and tools you see on the right hand side.  It was really hard, but we worked together to stop enabling so much, let her suffer the consequences of her behavior, worked together to set up boundaries that we were willing to enforce and live with and getting out of the FOG mode.  I spent lots of time working on validation and using SET.  A year later, things are so much better.  Please let us know what we can help you with on this awful roller coaster ride we are all on together.  You are not alone.