What's The Type That BPD Women Marry?

[Notwendy]

Zeus has a point there with "chemistry"

I think the reason for feeling chemistry is not something we are fully aware of.

Men who like women with BPD have no attraction to me, really, and it isn't about appearance. They may notice me, but there is no spark at all. I just don't have what they like.


I have an acquaintance who is attracted to younger, "hot" women- who seem unstable to me. His marriages don't last. I think he is somewhat narcissistic. I don't see him often, but when I do, he seems glad to see me, and then talks about himself, his relationships, his kids but doesn't show much interest in me, my kids. I think he does like me as a friend, in his own way, but this is him. He is very appearance conscious, good looking, wealthy. I think he likes the intensity of the relationships he has.

Although I am married- so no interest at all, I know that there isn't one ounce of chemistry between us. I am not his type.

The men who are attracted to my mother with BPD ( not just a romantic relationship but my also relatives and friends) are not like this guy though. They seem to be decent, hard working, stable men with strong caretaker qualities. These types of guys are also not attracted to me. I think we have the same tendencies. Maybe it is true that opposites attract.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus has a point there with "chemistry"

I think the reason for feeling chemistry is not something we are fully aware of.

Men who like women with BPD have no attraction to me, really, and it isn't about appearance. They may notice me, but there is no spark at all. I just don't have what they like.


I have an acquaintance who is attracted to younger, "hot" women- who seem unstable to me. His marriages don't last. I think he is somewhat narcissistic. I don't see him often, but when I do, he seems glad to see me, and then talks about himself, his relationships, his kids but doesn't show much interest in me, my kids. I think he does like me as a friend, in his own way, but this is him. He is very appearance conscious, good looking, wealthy. I think he likes the intensity of the relationships he has.

Although I am married- so no interest at all, I know that there isn't one ounce of chemistry between us. I am not his type.

The men who are attracted to my mother with BPD ( not just a romantic relationship but my also relatives and friends) are not like this guy though. They seem to be decent, hard working, stable men with strong caretaker qualities. These types of guys are also not attracted to me. I think we have the same tendencies. Maybe it is true that opposites attract.

Yeah, a lot of the time I find someone attractive just looks wise but there is no spark, no chemistry.

And it just so happens that this spark is there when they have BPD normally.

And I loove the intensity, yes I do. 

[waverider]

And I loove the intensity, yes I do. 

Is this the escapism from your own "normality"

[ZeusRLX]

Is this the escapism from your own "normality"

Well, I'm not entirely what you'd call "normal" either so I guess what goes around comes around. 

[Fian]

I am not sure that my wife has BPD, but she certainly has BPD behaviors.  So here is a profile of myself:

shy around women

Someone who was easily painted white (Christian man on elder board of church)

I would never abandon her

financially stable

rescued her from a difficult financial situation plus her dad had abandoned her and her mom

emotionally distant

Even so she was having a lot of second thoughts about getting married.  She felt obligated due to the help I had given her before marriage, plus her mom was pushing her to marry me.  I don't think she would marry me again knowing what she knows now (and has hinted as such throughout our marriage).

Zeus, in your case, I think BPD women leave you because you give off a "player" vibe.  You appear to be looking for what you can get out of a relationship, and once that isn't there, you leave.  BPD have a strong fear of abandonment, and if they think their SO will abandon them, they abandon them first.

[Notwendy]

I think there can be mutual attractions between people, but a stable configuration happens between certain people.

There can certainly be sparks between players and pwBPD, but it may be hot at first and go down in flames. There may also be sparks between pw BPD and other people, but if the other person isn't going to be the person who can at least attempt to meet the huge needs of the pwBPD or just doesn't tolerate the behavior that relationship isn't stable.

Zeus, you may just not be a stable match for a pwBPD for the long term, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Despite the fact that caretakers ( co-dependents) wish someone would care for them, I don't think that caretaker-caretaker combination has the sparks in it that some people seek. I believe that a co-dependent- BPD relationship is stable at first ( causes issues eventually) because the co will make so much effort to keep the pwBPD happy and also tolerates their behavior.

My friend who I mentioned. He's handsome and so attracts all women, but the ones he picks are hot and unstable. He knows that too, and he chooses to go from relationship to relationship and moves on when they combust. He loves the intensity, but in all relationships, intensity isn't usually the main aspect. Marriage, kids, this is more about regular life, and some passion if you are fortunate, but loyalty and security are needed for the long run.

And my dear daddy- the kindest most loving and giving man on the planet. He was devoted to my mother, but from how I saw it, he was a giver, and also didn't ask for much in return. He was a secure partner for her.

[ZeusRLX]

I am not sure that my wife has BPD, but she certainly has BPD behaviors.  So here is a profile of myself:

shy around women

Someone who was easily painted white (Christian man on elder board of church)

I would never abandon her

financially stable

rescued her from a difficult financial situation plus her dad had abandoned her and her mom

emotionally distant

Yeah, that makes sense.

Even so she was having a lot of second thoughts about getting married.  She felt obligated due to the help I had given her before marriage, plus her mom was pushing her to marry me.  I don't think she would marry me again knowing what she knows now (and has hinted as such throughout our marriage).

Zeus, in your case, I think BPD women leave you because you give off a "player" vibe.  You appear to be looking for what you can get out of a relationship, and once that isn't there, you leave.  BPD have a strong fear of abandonment, and if they think their SO will abandon them, they abandon them first.

Well, yeah, I think you're on to something. But I'd just like to clarify that I'm certainly not taking advantage of anyone. I get in those relationships because I genuinely believe they will work.

But I tell them that certain behaviors are unacceptable to me and if they start happening, I will fold. So often they hide those things from me.

But once the abuse starts, I'm usually out (lately I've been leaving them). So, yeah, I guess I just won't put up with enough stuff to get to the point of marriage... .and they feel that or I see it's really bad and decide to disengage.

Thanks for your insight... .

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus, you may just not be a stable match for a pwBPD for the long term, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Despite the fact that caretakers ( co-dependents) wish someone would care for them, I don't think that caretaker-caretaker combination has the sparks in it that some people seek. I believe that a co-dependent- BPD relationship is stable at first ( causes issues eventually) because the co will make so much effort to keep the pwBPD happy and also tolerates their behavior.

My friend who I mentioned. He's handsome and so attracts all women, but the ones he picks are hot and unstable. He knows that too, and he chooses to go from relationship to relationship and moves on when they combust. He loves the intensity, but in all relationships, intensity isn't usually the main aspect. Marriage, kids, this is more about regular life, and some passion if you are fortunate, but loyalty and security are needed for the long run.

And my dear daddy- the kindest most loving and giving man on the planet. He was devoted to my mother, but from how I saw it, he was a giver, and also didn't ask for much in return. He was a secure partner for her.

Yes, I identify with your friend a lot.

But I do know that BPD varies in severity and manifestation. And there has been progress on my end. For example, the cutters and the bulimic people and ones that put you up on the pedestal right away, I screen those out pretty fast.

But I have found there are quite a few more subtle strains, which are much more difficult to identify until you get really deep. Basically, women who are really good at hiding it... .and I'm willing to look away of course.

But do you think there is such a thing as a woman with SOME BPD traits that would make it exciting enough but also one that would be trustworthy (no cheating or manipulation)?

Or you can't be a little bit pregnant? Once you have BPD (even if it's high functioning), you get the whole nine? What do you think?

I know it seems like I'm very much a fair weather BPD boyfriend here but I actually can put up with a lot of stuff (and have in the past). But I draw the line at lying/manipulation and cheating. If I see that's the way it's headed and in general this person doesn't know what they are doing and won't get treatment, I'm done... .

[Notwendy]

Zeus, I think what you have defined about yourself is stronger, healthier boundaries. It is possible for anyone to get into a relationship with a pwBPD and be "blinded by the light" so to speak of the person on their best behavior. They also are good at hiding behind a great image for a while- from everyone- not just you. Sooner or later, there are cracks in this image. I think they let it out in increments- test the water so to speak- cause a rift and then they are wonderful again and they make up.  A person with strong boundaries is likely to not get sucked into this- either call them on it or leave.

But someone who has abandonment fears is less likely to stand up to the pw BPD or walk away. Eventually after testing this, the pwBPD has enough security to let it all out. The shocked non, then is compliant and tries to get the relationship back to where it was in the beginning, and so the dance begins... .

I say this as a non. Raised by a BPD mom and co-dependent dad, this is the only relationship model I know. It is familiar to me. I was exactly the person who would tolerate being treated poorly as I didn't know anything else. It is probably the non who is pushed to their limit. I think then we realize that we have to face our own abandonment fears to be able to set boundaries in out relationships. This, I think is what enables us to make changes in the relationship by changing ourselves.

Zeus, you may enjoy your BPD relationships in the beginning- really, who wouldn't? But you are not a stable match for someone with BPD. That isn't a bad thing.

[Fian]

But do you think there is such a thing as a woman with SOME BPD traits that would make it exciting enough but also one that would be trustworthy (no cheating or manipulation)?

Or you can't be a little bit pregnant? Once you have BPD (even if it's high functioning), you get the whole nine? What do you think?

You would like my wife (sorry, she is not available (:  ).  She is high functioning and can do some behaviors that most BPD cannot like apologize.  However, the constant victim mode does get tiring... .

[Oooohm]

But someone who has abandonment fears is less likely to stand up to the pw BPD or walk away. Eventually after testing this, the pwBPD has enough security to let it all out. The shocked non, then is compliant and tries to get the relationship back to where it was in the beginning, and so the dance begins... .

WOW... .  This almost made me cry.

Very insightful !

[downintx]

Zeus,

I think it could have to do with the fact that you know who/what you are dealing with.

I was with my BPD wife for 18 years, but did not even know what BPD was. She always made me look like there was something wrong with me. After years of verbal abuse, it built up to a point where I would ignore her and give her the silent treatment. To cut a long story short, I found out from a relative of hers, that she was BPD, this is when she went into divorce mode, and started planning an exit with an exit affair as well.

So as long as you are their people pleasing trophy husband, I think they will hang on to you, until they get tired of you, find someone new, or you discover what they are all about... .

[Notwendy]

Zeus, there may actually be two questions to your topic? What kind of guy do BPD women date and what type do they marry? Dating someone with BPD and then ending the relationship may be very different from a marriage. It is also like this for most marriages.

Years ago, people married according to compatibility and economics and this is still true for some cultures. In some cultures people actually date with the purpose of marriage. In the US we can also date for the fun of it. Cultures that date for marriage tend to match the couple up according to factors like religion/values/life plans. I think there is chemistry in the beginning for the couple, but over time, a growing can evolve. In our modern times, hotness can be a big factor. Hotness is fun, but it may not be enough for the long haul. For most couples the hotness wanes over time- this is when many people leave a marriage as they think the spark is gone, but they might have a deeper love over time if they work at it.

A woman with BPD might give you the intensity you seek in the short run, but if you look at many of the relationships here, that thrill is gone. Why? A book called Passionate Marriage discusses why co-dependency leads to loss of passion. The good news is that long term marriages can also potentially be passionate if couples are willing to work at it. The work involves becoming less codependent, or more differentiated- the term used in the book. Naturally this will vary as marriages, and severity of issues can vary. This book is probably not applicable where there is abuse and serious mental health issues.

Zeus, dating for fun is fine. However, when you decide to marry, consider that this is for keeps. This could be the mother of your children. What kind of person would you like that to be? Who do you want to grow old with?

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus, I think what you have defined about yourself is stronger, healthier boundaries. It is possible for anyone to get into a relationship with a pwBPD and be "blinded by the light" so to speak of the person on their best behavior. They also are good at hiding behind a great image for a while- from everyone- not just you. Sooner or later, there are cracks in this image. I think they let it out in increments- test the water so to speak- cause a rift and then they are wonderful again and they make up.  A person with strong boundaries is likely to not get sucked into this- either call them on it or leave.

But someone who has abandonment fears is less likely to stand up to the pw BPD or walk away. Eventually after testing this, the pwBPD has enough security to let it all out. The shocked non, then is compliant and tries to get the relationship back to where it was in the beginning, and so the dance begins... .

I say this as a non. Raised by a BPD mom and co-dependent dad, this is the only relationship model I know. It is familiar to me. I was exactly the person who would tolerate being treated poorly as I didn't know anything else. It is probably the non who is pushed to their limit. I think then we realize that we have to face our own abandonment fears to be able to set boundaries in out relationships. This, I think is what enables us to make changes in the relationship by changing ourselves.

Zeus, you may enjoy your BPD relationships in the beginning- really, who wouldn't? But you are not a stable match for someone with BPD. That isn't a bad thing.

Yes, I do have a bit of a hero complex but I suppose I have more boundaries than some of my exes would have liked. Very insightful post, thank you.

And they DO test for that stuff... .BIG time. At first I put up with it but once they throw the kitchen sink at me... .at that point I call it quits. So I'm guessing they are looking for someone that will literally let them get away with anything, right?

Has this been your experience personally? The amount of stuff you need to put up with gets amplified more and more and more?

[ZeusRLX]

You would like my wife (sorry, she is not available (:  ).  She is high functioning and can do some behaviors that most BPD cannot like apologize.  However, the constant victim mode does get tiring... .

Haha, good for you! Well, I have been moving to higher and higher functioning ones over the last few years, maybe there is someone there who is BPD enough to have chemistry with me but enough to at least not be a sociopath/cheater/manipulator regarding big things.

Good to know this has been your experience.

I can put up with the victim thing... .

[waverider]

But someone who has abandonment fears is less likely to stand up to the pw BPD or walk away. Eventually after testing this, the pwBPD has enough security to let it all out. The shocked non, then is compliant and tries to get the relationship back to where it was in the beginning, and so the dance begins... .

WOW... .  This almost made me cry.

Very insightful !

This is why someone on the rebound from a failed RS is vulnerable. Especially if rebounding from an invalidating relationship with a pwBPD. hence the cycle of repeat relationships with pwBPD. If the non knows nothing about BPD they won't even see it and will convince themselves they are just failures, as it always happens.

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus,

I think it could have to do with the fact that you know who/what you are dealing with.

I was with my BPD wife for 18 years, but did not even know what BPD was. She always made me look like there was something wrong with me. After years of verbal abuse, it built up to a point where I would ignore her and give her the silent treatment. To cut a long story short, I found out from a relative of hers, that she was BPD, this is when she went into divorce mode, and started planning an exit with an exit affair as well.

So as long as you are their people pleasing trophy husband, I think they will hang on to you, until they get tired of you, find someone new, or you discover what they are all about... .

Yeah, I didn't know at first, of course. But lately, if I like anyone and they really like me, 99.99% chance they are on BPD spectrum so that's the first thing on my mind... .find out how functional they are and whether this is something that is worth even considering getting into.

But, yeah, that's the worrisome thing, due to the nature of their disorder, almost all of them eventually get bored/tired and need something new?

[waverider]

the first thing on my mind... .find out how functional they are and whether this is something that is worth even considering getting into.

But, yeah, that's the worrisome thing, due to the nature of their disorder, almost all of them eventually get bored/tired and need something new?

not easy to do given that they do not remain constant and pass through different evolutions

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

[ZeusRLX]

A woman with BPD might give you the intensity you seek in the short run, but if you look at many of the relationships here, that thrill is gone. Why? A book called Passionate Marriage discusses why co-dependency leads to loss of passion. The good news is that long term marriages can also potentially be passionate if couples are willing to work at it. The work involves becoming less codependent, or more differentiated- the term used in the book. Naturally this will vary as marriages, and severity of issues can vary. This book is probably not applicable where there is abuse and serious mental health issues.

Yes, that's probably right. I have very little experience with that. I will check out the book, thanks.

Zeus, dating for fun is fine. However, when you decide to marry, consider that this is for keeps. This could be the mother of your children. What kind of person would you like that to be? Who do you want to grow old with?

Yes, I tried to go the rational route. Met a nice girl, we were good friends, she'd be great for a family and she wanted things to develop. But I just wasn't into it, there was no chemistry.

So I let her go and now she is with someone else. And I felt relieved when she started seeing someone else because then I felt like I could stop forcing myself to go after her. It's like my mind realized that she would be a TERRIFIC partner and great mother and all that.

But if I'm just not feeling it, what am I gonna do? Should I lie and tell her I feel something I don't? Ugh. Just the thought of that makes me sick. The other guy seems into her, she should go with him, it's the right thing to do.

It would be a nightmare to spend the rest of your life with someone you're not attracted to.

But as for me... .the thing is when I'm in the BPD honeymoon phase, we plan it all. The marriage, the kids, picking out kids names.

I have already done that like 4 times haha.

Of course, it's crazy to do that a month after you have met, I do realize that. But they keep finding new ways to seduce me with that fantasy and it's getting harder and harder to do as I gain more experience... .

Then she runs off or I realize it's BPD and break it off... .the good thing though is it doesn't make me upset anymore. I enjoy it and then it's just gone like the fog.

It's like the plot of Pretty Woman over and over again... .

But, just like the movie... .I think I got used to you know the director saying "Okay, cut. The movie is over. Everyone can go home now."

And yeah, then basically both me and the BPD person can stop pretending the whole thing was real, we go NC, never to hear from each other again.

But if I had to pick between great chemistry and great mother/partner, I'd always pick chemistry. I'm not even sure I want a family, pretty happy with my life. If I wanted a family more than great chemistry I could have had it by now with other women who wanted that (and did not have BPD as far as I could tell) so I guess that says something.

I mean 40/60 chemistry/partner divide would be good but all good partner and no chemistry, that wouldn't work I don't think.

Of course, I do have a list of qualities that I admire in people. Trouble is I know a few people that have those qualities but no chemistry. The ones I do have chemistry with SEEM to have those qualities so much that I'm ready to marry them. However, then I realize the whole thing was a BPD fantasy and is not real basically. So, that's it. It is what it is.

[ZeusRLX]

not easy to do given that they do not remain constant and pass through different evolutions

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Yeah, great article, thank you, that perfectly mirrors my experience as well except I don't stick around for the long term or they disappear.

[ZeusRLX]

Those of you who had been married and started with initial chemistry, do you feel like the chemistry in your case went away throughout the years?

Surely some of it must remain, right?

[downintx]

Some of the chemistry for me is still there. Just depends on the moment and time - I think it fluctuates. I think a lot of chemistry depends on your sexual relationship. The better the sexual relationship, the better the emotional connection, well, especially for me, not sure about the BPD wife. The more toxic the relationship - emotional and sexual, the less the chemistry connection.

[Fian]

I haven't tested this, but personally I think chemistry is overrated.  Too many cultures have arranged marriages that are far more successful than Western "pick your own spouse" approaches.  If you are committed to the marriage, I think the passion is found later, and it isn't based on "chemistry" but mutual respect.

[waverider]

and it isn't based on "chemistry" but mutual respect.

Respect needs to be earned, it wont happen if one person doesn't earn it. Take away the choice factor and it is much harder to apply yourself to making anything work

[Notwendy]

Fian, I agree with you. I have read a lot about marriage to try to make some sense of mine, and I think common values, respect, common goals can be important glue. The initial chemistry is known not to last, but couples in a healthy relationships can keep chemistry in their marriage. I also think "hot" can be defined in different ways. It can be a man with a 6 pack in a magazine, or a man playing with his child, or helping an elderly parent. Beauty is within and on the outside, but the within is better over the long run.

As to the question does the chemistry last? If one considers the topics on sex in this forum, then I would say that it gets complicated. Initially, I think sex is easy in the beginning, but the emotional issues can get complicated and this impacts sexuality. I think these things happen in many marriages- considering the divorce rate, and they happen in marriages with pwBPD.

Zeus, I think it is good that you are honest with yourself, and if you don't want a family, then the bachelor lifestyle may be for you for now. I don't know what happens when guys like this get older- unless one is Hugh Hefner- at some point maybe the women aren't flocking to you? However, I have heard that things can get pretty wild in senior living communities so maybe there are always other people wanting that chemistry too.

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .