Been taken to court BPD ex

[JIMB]

Hi,

I am so stressed at the moment dealing with undiagnosed BPD.

After a very mentally, emotionally and in the end violent relationship of nearly 10 years, I have since had to endure 16 months of her crazy making behaviour. The night I left her was brought on by her assaulting me & destroying several thousand dollars of my property. For which she has never excepted fault or offered to resolve , leaving me in debt. Not only this but I left her with pretty much all the family assets, a fully paid car & agreed to pay all my childs primary education fees for the year.

I paid all the rent on the property for the first 6 months of the separation, while I boarded with my mother to support this. All I asked was she apply herself to finding more affordable housing. Which she failed to do sighting depression and other excuses, until I finally had to be firm & reduce payments to the legal amount if child support & the school fees. She then instigated the child support agency to collect & I immediately got a debt nearly $3000 even though I had paid nearly 3x their assessment amount already?

I made an offer to give her the car for a token amount money to help me take of debts from the property she broke, she refused to do this. And was successful in getting legal funding & took me to a mediation with a solicitor, and as I couldnt afford to pay a lawyer they tried to railroad me into giving her the car & a slice of my retirement fund. I agreed but right before the final papers where due to be signed I had my drivers license suspended because the ex had not paid a fine she incurred driving the car I left with her? I then found out she had not paid the school fees for 2nd school our daughter attends, as agreed by her. Leaving an invoice of $1200 in my name, as I was the person who signed for payments when we enrolled her. So I sent a counter demand that she address the debts & these issues of unpaid commitments before I will sign. And she just went & got more legal funding & now I must go to court... .

I'm so over this person, I won't even start on all the stuff she does to make access to my daughter an unpleasant ordeal. From sending me to the police station to collect her, to moving house and concealing her location. It has been so difficult dealing with my child asking why I had to collect her from th police & why she cant tell me where she lives. And hearing that the ex has been making false allegations that abused her.

Recently she challenged me to take custody of my daughter as way to prove I couldn't cope, and when I accepted she then turned it around & said I was just some angry guy with low self-esteem? And I can put my case forward in court. I don't want to go this direction as I know of numerous men who lost upwards 100,000 trying to secure their children & lost.

Please help with some advice on how to deal with this person as I'm at a loss?

[maxen]

hi JIMB. i'm terribly sorry that you've had to suffer these things. on this board you'll meet posters who have experienced many, or even all, of this set of behaviors. although i don't have custody issues, i also was subjected to the emotional abuse and to this too:

moving house and concealing her location

so people here will be able to sympathize with the crazy-making.

since you've posted on the legal board, let me ask some legal questions; you may have thought about these things so i apologize in advance if they're obvious. are you sure you can't get legal advice in some way? on a practical level, the best way to deal with the person you've described here is to stop dealing with her and put all communications through a lawyer. if she has gotten legal funding, can you? do you have some documentation of the physical abuse? and, do you have support for yourself? are there friends or family or a counselor you can talk to and who know what's up? you can certainly talk here. you might also want to post on our co-parenting board: Co-parenting after the Split. on the right hand side of that page there are lessons which may help you in trying to deal with your ex.

please keep posting JIMB!

[JIMB]

since you've posted on the legal board, let me ask some legal questions; you may have thought about these things so i apologize in advance if they're obvious. are you sure you can't get legal advice in some way? on a practical level, the best way to deal with the person you've described here is to stop dealing with her and put all communications through a lawyer. if she has gotten legal funding, can you? do you have some documentation of the physical abuse? and, do you have support for yourself? are there friends or family or a counselor you can talk to and who know what's up? you can certainly talk here. you might also want to post on our co-parenting board: Co-parenting after the Split. on the right hand side of that page there are lessons which may help you in trying to deal with your ex.

Hi Maxen.

Thank you for your time in responding. As I am sure you know the behavior of these people is such they sometimes get you questioning your own sanity... .

On the question of legal representation, yes I can get it however I must pay as in spite of been left no assets, paying large amounts of child support and having all the debts from the relationship, I am deemed to high in income to gain free legal support. I am also facing a family court in my country that is systemically geared towards women's rights. I have seen many good men blow 100s of thousands in legal cost here and loose everything, so I am deeply stressed at the prospect of a legal battle with this BPD women as she is very convincing to people who don't know her for extended periods.

As for records of violence, there was two incidents that involved the police. The first one they immediately served cross orders on both parties, even though all I did was knock a broom out of her hands as she was threatening me with it. And she went into a rage & started bunching me & tore my shirt in half. The second incident was the one where she destroyed my property & I was forced to call the police, this time they wrote her up but she went to court & had it adjourned so she could file her own order. At which point she produced a letter from a doctor about a bruise she got on her wrist when I tried to stop her running out the door with my property. So once again I received a cross order, even though she admitted to destroying my property. I am not small guy coming in at 6'4" and 220lbs solid so if I ever had an intention to hurt this women there would have been more than a small bruise on her wrist, the police said this to her also. But the court system here is geared towards men always been the abusive one. There is however more than enough individual accounts of her explosive rage and verbally abusive ways, which even saw her get banned from the primary school campus after abusing an 7 year old kid and screaming at the teaching staff because she couldn't conduct herself in a reasonable manner to get positive outcomes for our daughter.

I have an older daughter from a previous relationship who tried to stay with us a young adult & that ended in altercation with ex after just 4 weeks, and the grown daughter was treated to coming home and hearing the ex screaming down the phone at me about my daughter. When the daughter told her rightly so not to speak to me in that way & if she had an issue with her she address it with her directly, she went into rage and called her a spoilt little "b___" and told to get the "f*ck out". So I had to leave my work and come collect my daughter and take her to mothers. At which point I was immediately accused of caring about my daughter more than her & my family. This prompted me to leave her for the first time and we actually separated for 6 months, but she lured me back in and I really regret going back as shortly after this my mental health gave way under the stress of the abuse and I became suicidal & was placed in a psych ward for a week for observation. I was told when I was discharged not to return to family home for at least 6 months, but she kept contacting me and telling me she needed me because she couldn't cope alone - so I stupidly went back after just a few weeks.  

She would frequently verbally abuse me in front of the kids (daughter & step daughter), but there is noway on earth the step daughter will admit this. In fact when I contacted her to check up on her after the split she immediately disowned me and said and quote "you deserved to have your sh*t broken" end quote, given she is now a young adult I just had let her be accountable for her actions and disconnect from her. And the little one has an intellectually disability (autism) and has been bombarded by her mum with all this propaganda about what happened, including over hearing her tell various people and support groups about how I apparently abused her for 9 years emotionally and financially? One time she told me her mum screamed in her face "your dads an idiot" because she stood up to her when she was running me down. She also tells her that my mother (grandmother) don't love her, even though my mum wants to write her but cant because the ex wont give her address.  Its very difficult having to stay positive and just be reaffirming when your small daughter is so upset by these issues, and just try not to say anything bad about her BPD mother.

I am also struggling with the Child Support Agency in my country who so incompetent that no matter what you do they place you debt all the time, they took 3 months to send me information on how to pay after she instigated them to collect (which BTW she didn't need to do as I was paying more than the agreed amount & on time always) . Then decided to go direct to my employer because I hadn't paid while waiting for the information, then it took 2 months for them to start taking payments & by which time I had debt of over $3000. Even though by that time I had paid nearly 3 times their calculated figure of Child Support directly to the ex in form of rent and education fees. The ex in her greed decided to ask them collect more money as she feels nearly $1000 per month is not enough, and sent evidence as part of her application that I had paid all the daughters education fees. The agency immediately applied a credit of $3.6K to my account, which she immediately contested and the reversed it. So while all of this was in process they stopped collecting which again, and then when they reapplied it my debt blew out to over $4.5K now.

I'm feeling a little more confident now that if we are to face court it might work in my favor, but the prospects of enduring many year of joint custody and trying to negotiate with this person is not appealing at all. At any rate I probably have more 100 emails from this women where she just spirals constantly between projection, accusations pity and blame, and then looking reasonable. But never once saying saying sorry for anything she does, or making agreements to address any issues she has caused. I'm at the point with her where she simply makes me sick, and I cant even feel pitty toward her.

[livednlearned]

Hi JIMB,

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this, it's a lot to go through. It sounds like you might be located in the UK or elsewhere (ie. not the US)? How common is it for people to represent themselves in court where you live? In the US it's referred to as pro se or pro tempe. Some courts are very accommodating and lenient toward pro se litigants. It's a possibility you may want to consider if you are cash poor and don't qualify for legal aid.

What is the current custody arrangement you have in place? Is there anything officially filed with the courts?

There are often two battles when divorcing someone with BPD. The first is legal, through the courts. The other is the psychological/emotional battle to stay connected to our kids, and to help raise them to be emotionally resilient. maxen recommended the lessons on the co-parenting board -- this is an excellent place to start. In particular, read through Lessons 5 (Raising an Emotionally Resilient Child) and Lesson 6 (Parental Alienation) so you have understanding and skills to help you stay connected to your D.

Another member recently returned here and shared the work that Dr. Childress has been doing on parental alienation -- his research is excellent, and you may find some helpful insights reading the many articles and resources on his site: drcachildress.org

It's really difficult to go through these divorces when there are custody issues -- it's financially draining and emotionally and psychologically very challenging. One of the most important things I learned is how to assert boundaries. Sometimes, I had to assert boundaries that were psychological (not responding to threatening or abusive texts). Often, I had to invoke more serious boundaries by filing court orders. Without boundaries, we are at the mercy of mentally ill people who create a lot of chaos and confusion, and as you say, make us question our own sanity.

Developing good boundaries helped me restore my sanity. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be assertive in these high-conflict custody battles, and to have good boundaries. Sometimes that means having boundaries that create inconvenience. Sometimes that means doing things that do not seem rationalize, or might feel unduly tough. Having boundaries is hard work, often uncomfortable at first and can challenge us in some very fundamental ways. The more you adapt to this new normal, the easier it gets to move on and become detached from the drama.

[ForeverDad]

Many enter the court scenario thinking reason and fairness will prevail, or intimidated into expecting and accepting alternate weekends and empty pockets.  So to avoid that you need to be Legal Smart, assertive but not aggressive, focused on strategies for protecting yourself and your children.  Sadly, your actions to step away from the emotional turmoil of the relationship is necessary.  Don't feel guilty about doing so, it is what it is.

Your goal and strategy is to not only demonstrate that you're a capable parent but also that she isn't.  For example, the restriction that she was or is banned from the school campus is very concerning information the court should take into account.  It may not be see as 'actionable' now since they may consider it stale or too old to act upon but don't let it be ignored, it ought to be included as part of her History of parenting and interaction with others.

I understand how it feels to be thrown into the CS system.  After we separated and the initial family court PTOs had been dismissed - along with their parenting schedule - my then-spouse had blocked all contact with our preschooler.  There was nothing I could do until I filed for divorce and waited for the initial temp order hearing.  Three long months.  The magistrate simply restarted the prior schedule and added child support retroactive to the date I filed for divorce nearly 2 months earlier.  Well, CPS processed the retroactive amount as immediately due.  Less than two weeks later the month ended and I received a letter stating I was IN DEFAULT and would be reported to the credit bureaus in 30 days.  I had to borrow money from family to pay the last of it in time.

A few years later I sought and became Legal Guardian but my son's Guardian ad Litem (GAL) wanted time to be kept equal so she could get CS.  Though I had custody, the equal time and our income disparity (despite her being imputed minimum wage) meant I was ordered to pay her CS.  To add insult to injury, the paperwork listed me as the Non-Primary parent.  I reported it as an error to CSEA but they told me that their software always lists the parent paying as the Non-Primary parent.   I'm a programmer, I know they could have written the code so that status flags could be set to separate the Payor from Primary/Non-Primary status.  Or maybe the software was written in the 70s?

[stringbean2015]

Hey there. Sounds like you are having a rough go of it. I had the same thing with my ex who was incredibly abusive towards me and the children, but there is no way to prove it. Then she turned around and is trying to claim it was me. Just hang in there and know that all of the lies will come out in the end, even if it isn't in the time frame we want it to happen in. It is so hard to understand how anyone could put their children through this crap, and still be able to go to court and make the claim that they have their childrens best interests at heart. But that seems to be the nature of BPD. Keep fighting for the kids, and they will see the light someday. Peace.