He's enjoying the pain he's putting me through.

[Daisy67]

Today I feel awful. I drank too much wine last night and can't face getting out of bed. I miss my son, BPD 22, it's been nearly 3 months since he spoke to me. I am hearing through family members that he is mocking me and almost gloating at my pain.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Daisy67,

I'm glad you are telling your story here, an update on how you're doing. I'm so sorry your son is NC and also making light of the situation -- that is really tough to experience, Daisy67. A double whammy. I wonder about your family members and their intention for telling you what your son is saying? Why would they tell you this?

It's hard to resolve real grief with alcohol, although sometimes it does feel like numbness has to be better than the feelings. Do you have support to help you process these feelings? My experience is that they don't go away, no matter what we do to try and distract ourselves from the grief.

Is your son diagnosed? Is this the first time he has gone NC?

Please let us know how you're doing and share as much as you're comfortable posting here, whenever you're ready. People here genuinely care and understand what you're going through.



LnL

[lbjnltx]

Hi Daisy,

I hope you are feeling better today!



lbj

[kelti1972]

Hi Dailsy:

I really know the pain of missing your son and being in pain over the situation.  Now is not forever.  I keep saying that.  Hope you feel better and love and support to you!  Kelti

[MammaMia]

Daisy

I am sorry you are struggling with a son who is NC.  Has he been diagnosed with BPD?  What happened prior to his decision to end contact?  Was there a specific event?

Your son is probably well aware you are being informed about his comments and behavior.  In fact, he may be using family members to hurt you.  Tell them to stop giving you information.  

Next, you need to realize that your son, if he has BPD, is exhibiting classic behavior.  He is ill.  Keep this in mind before you react to what he does and says. PwBPD struggle with relationships, and will

create issues that really do not exist to end them.  It is all about control.  

Alcohol is a depressant that will only make you feel worse.  Sometimes when dealing with mental illness, we need to accept decisions we do not like or agree with.  Trying to force reconciliation is difficult to impossible, and pursuing your ds may only drive him farther away. This in turn intensifies your anxiety and stress.  Give him some time and space.  Your absence may encourage him to make contact, because the fear of abandonment is a huge motivator for pwBPD.  

Lastly, if you have done absolutely nothing to cause the rift, do not allow your ds to continue to blame you. Instead of focusing on what others think ... .focus on the fact that deep in your heart, you KNOW  that you do not deserve to be treated this way.  Then stand up for that belief.  Get professional help if necessary, and, of course, you are always welcome here. We are willing to help in any way we can.

Thank you for sharing your situation with us.  Please keep posting.  We look forward to hearing from you.

[Butterflygirl]

Is it possible that he is gloating as a defense mechanism and that his feelings run deeper than that? Anger masks so much including fear. I know a lot about the bond between mothers and sons. It is very complicated. More so than the relationship with our daughters. My son has a love/hate/fear relationship with me. I never know which persona I am talking to. I am learning how to not trigger the anger alter ego. Let me know if I can help.

[Daisy67]

Thanks for all the responses everyone, after posting I was able to pull myself together and go out and do something to take my mind off things.

My son hasn't spoken to me since I told him he needed to shower, he had gotten into my car on Mothers Day and the smell of cannabis was overwhelming! I was so upset, furious! This was my mother's day and this is all I have to show for my hard work of raising him.  I know this was completely the wrong attitude to take and the wrong  thing to do, but i just got so angry.  I'm trying to understand and be understanding but it's so hard. I think im now in a state of depression, I just feel numb with it all.  :'(

[MammaMia]

Daisy

We have all been where you are.  Your son is probably self-medicating with weed.  Many pwBPD use alcohol, hard drugs, or both to dull their pain.  They do not think about the pain they cause others because they are too self-involved to care.

Some of his behavior may be to upset you, but more than likely it is a way to self-soothe.  Mothers' Day causes anxiety for our sick kids and us, just like every other holiday where there are expectations concerning their behavior. 

If your depression does not pass, please seek help.  The bond between a mother and her children is very complex, and when you add mental illness it becomes extreme. Stop blaming yourself for his actions.  We all need to learn coping skills to deal with BPD because it is the only way to survive this very serious disorder in a loved one.  They are not in control of their behavior, their illness is.

Keep learning about BPD.  As you do, you will be amazed at the similarities between everyone afflicted with it.  Different backgrounds, different cultures, different everything, but the symptoms are consistent right down to the wording they use.  Bpd is the by-product of a dysfunctional brain, but there are ways to work toward communicating better and not triggering them. That information is found here at BPDF,  Having said that, you must also learn to take care of yourself and your mental and physical health.

You cannot help your son, if he is allowed to make you sick. Things can get better but it takes commitment and hard work.  Hang in there.

[tristesse]

Hi Daisy

Like everybody else here, I am so sorry your son is putting you through this emotional hell right now. And like everybody else I feel the need to tell you that alchohol is not the answer, but unlike everybody else I am going to tell you... .I get it. I fully understand your torment and heartache, I also understand how the wine was a temporary relief to those feelings.

BPD is horrible, there is no sugar coating this illness, it is weapon of mass destruction that is selfish and heartless, and hurts any unsuspecting person that gets in it's path... .I have been to hell and back dealing with my daughter who suffers this unspeakable illness, so I am right there with you... .I am going to be your champion, your cheerleader, and a source of moral support.

The tools and the lessons offered here are fantastic... .they work, they really work, but it takes hard work, practice and dedication... .And even while they work, there are set backs and upsets along the way, there are obstacles to overcome... .but you can get there if you believe.

I know your son is no contact at the moment, and that sucks... .but you need to be prepared for the day he no longer is, and that day will likely happen when you least expect it. To be prepared you need to work on yourself, you can practice using SET ( SUPPORT , EMPATHY AND TRUTH) practice it in your everyday life. Use the tools in everybody, that's how you practice and get good at it, the more you use them, the better you become at it, and you will be ready when your son returns to your life.

you can learn to respond and not react... .that is my biggest challenge today... I always react based on emotion, this is not good when dealing with BPD... .but I am learning.

Lastly I want to say, hang in there... .and keep updating us on your situation, we all want to help, because we all understand... .Take care of yourself.

Big hug to you my suffering sister.