This month could be interesting... financially..and in the relationship

[formflier]

So... .I've been working on "not biting" and letting her troubles be hers... .and not getting all worked up about them.

I think she has one more payday coming from her substitute teaching.

Anyway... .this morning she was adamant that she had to take a trip this weekend and take all the kids.  I was surprised... .only because the plan was for her sister to come over here and bring a bunch of people... .I was interested in what changed.

Well... .I don't really understand what changed... .but apparently she was confused on when a trip to an amusement park was supposed to happen... .I guess it's tomorrow now... .and she doesn't want to "waste a trip" by just taking the people (her and s12) that are going to the amusement park... .so the trip won't be wasted... .she has to take everyone so they can spend time at cousins and her sisters.

And... .I'm supposed to go too.   

(all of this costs money... .and I had projects planned and things to do).

Well... .I told her I had no idea  if I could go... .I had some job applications to do in order to make sure my unemployment records are right for the week... .I told her I would let her know and that I would rather keeps some kids her to work on projects as we had been planning.

I came down a bit later and told her if that if it was really important to her that I wouldn't make a fuss over a change in plans... .and that I wanted to support stuff that was important to her.  She seemed appreciative.

So... .this afternoon she does work on bills... .I hear yelling downstairs... .some cussing... .  She is asking when some things are supposed to come out that I had set up... .after she asked me to help with some stuff.  I gave her the info... .and she was very excitable that we didn't have the money... .then we did... .then we didn't.

I was calm (inside and out... .I truely wasn't triggered)... .and just said ok... .I'm sure you can figure it out.

So... .later she comes blowing in the room I am working in and announces several things that haven't been paid and are delayed until next month.  Mentions that all the money is gone for the month.

I said... ."Ok... .thanks for letting me know... ."

And kept on about what I was doing.

I'm not going to ask if they are still going tomorrow... .I'll watch the choices she makes and try to validate and be supportive of either.

For years there was a long term dynamic of her not being happy with resources... .and she would switch back and forth between not enough money... .and not enough time home from me.  I had some real estate side businesses that were very lucrative... .but they took time. 

Last year she took the last of our capital for business and savings... .$30k... .and distributed a good portion of that to her family (dad in particular)... .

Basically... .financial agreements she had proposed... .and I had agreed to ... .she unilaterly swept away.  I suppose she was expecting me to protest... .argue... .whatever... .but as I've clarified my value systems... .money is not worth the conflict (to me)

It's been interesting to watch her deal with meeting limits and making choices... .and not have me to blame.

I do see some progress... .and there have been times when I think she has made some good financial choices since then.

We'll see how this month goes... .because she expects lots of trips in the summer... .but... .there has to be money to put gas in the vehicles.

FF

[Cole]

Interesting to see how she deals with money issues and your reaction, or rather, lack thereof.

When the company I worked for in 2008 downsized, I lost my full time employment. Did some private investigator work and provided security consulting for a few companies, but nowhere enough to pay the bills. She spent like crazy and complained we had no money.

Now that I am back to work at a very high paying job, she scrimps and saves every nickel and complains about spending money.

I think there is a need with a pwBPD to just have SOMETHING to complain about. I commend you for not taking the bait, I probably would have by now.

And having been there (200+ applications, dozens of interviews, and plenty of insulting offers) I know the stress you are dealing with. Things will turn around- you seem to be the persistent type.

[GaGrl]

I've been in talent development forever... .the usual formula is one month of search per each $10k in salary.  Patience is a virtue.

[formflier]

Interesting to see how she deals with money issues and your reaction, or rather, lack thereof.

When the company I worked for in 2008 downsized, I lost my full time employment. Did some private investigator work and provided security consulting for a few companies, but nowhere enough to pay the bills. She spent like crazy and complained we had no money.

Now that I am back to work at a very high paying job, she scrimps and saves every nickel and complains about spending money.

I think there is a need with a pwBPD to just have SOMETHING to complain about. I commend you for not taking the bait, I probably would have by now.

And having been there (200+ applications, dozens of interviews, and plenty of insulting offers) I know the stress you are dealing with. Things will turn around- you seem to be the persistent type.

Yeah... .I don't want to count the number of applications that I have put in so far.  

Good news is that I'm getting plenty of interviews... .and have advanced in several searches.  

Unfortunately... .I know I was the #2 guy... .a couple of times.  After several interviews... .I knew it was me and another candidate... .

Like you said... .something will hit soon.

FF

[formflier]

I've been in talent development forever... .the usual formula is one month of search per each $10k in salary.  Patience is a virtue.

Interesting... .I've got about 6 months to go then... .geesh.

Last job... .that I thought I was going to get... .but ended up being number 2.  Was about $110k-120k per year.

I need to wait until the official announcement to see what selected candidate has... .that I didn't... .to try and figure it.

Thanks for the tip.

FF

[formflier]

 

Interesting thing... .is that after all the drama over no money... .she is off on the trip.

Some "light stomping" around the house talking about how all the money needed to stay in our account... .blah blah blah.

Maybe it's an improvement... .because instead of telling me I couldn't spend... .she was sort of talking to the air... .I guess.

Sigh... .

[Grey Kitty]

Geez, this running out of money and expecting your wife to dysregulate over it sucks. However it sounds like you are doing about as well as you can. Good luck.

It sounds like your job search is going well enough... .you just haven't quite got the winning ticket yet. (Note: On those jobs you were the #2 man for... .perhaps you can follow up in a couple months... .just in case the #1 applicant didn't work out. Sometimes things go south pretty quickly.



Consider some boundary enforcement changes when you resume work/income: Something like this:

Wife, you and I seem to have different ideas about how to handle money, and it causes too much conflict between us.

I've been letting you manage our joint household expenses your way. I'm going to keep doing that, with most of my paycheck going into our joint account.

I will be putting a smaller amount of money into an individual account so I can take care of my car expenses, my phone, my clothes, etc. in the way that works for me.

If you want to have an individual account for your personal expenses in addition to the joint family account, I will support that.

None of this is a discussion/negotiation. You may next negotiate the amount you take into your account with her.

It just seems that keeping yourself financially safe... .and getting out of the household money debate farther is a double-win for you, FF. I expect that your wife will object loudly at first... .and eventually be happy with the change.

[formflier]

 

Yep... .I've been considering what to do about money.

A new job let's old income sources be status quo (retirement income... .shows up monthly) and I can deposit money from my new paycheck in my own account.

She has been putting her teaching money... .somewhere... .I've not asked... .she has not said.  So... .precedent has been set.

Side note:  I'm still struggling... .coming to terms with validation.  I think I have the avoiding invalidation thing down.

I remember your challenge to me to become more validating

As I have looked at myself and my FOO... .I'm a very complimenting person (comes naturally... .without thinking)... .

My FOO is not "invalidating"... .like my wife's family (the women... .the men that marry them end up hiding... .avoiding)... .but they are not validating.  Accomplishments are a big deal in my FOO... .they get complimented.  Emotions are just kinda there... .deal with them as you need.  So... .I was never told "don't feel that way" (like my wife).

Working through it... .

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Boundary enforcement with no notification is always a good option too. When you get a paycheck it is your choice what to do with it.

[formflier]

Boundary enforcement with no notification is always a good option too. When you get a paycheck it is your choice what to do with it.

Yeah... .trying to negotiate... .set that up ahead of time... .not a good plan.

Things are generally calmer... .

The substitute teaching thing finally settled down and she has been working essentially full time... .that ends this coming Wed. 

There are fairly regular... .maybe once or twice a week... .times when she will asking how I am feeling about things... .I share... .it is usually ok.

Every once in a while... .she will announce my feelings... .or start going down that path.  I usually calmly ask if she would like me to let her know what I am feeling... .there are some sighs... .and that is usually the end of it.

FF