Family spiral spins again - is it up or down or just round and round

[qcarolr]

It has been awhile since I have checked in here. Finding ways to care of my needs and keep balance in family above water so none of us drown. For those that are newer here, my family is me, dh, gd10, BPDd29 and her bf. dd and bf have been living with us 'temporarily' since mid-February. They both were getting away from friends and drugs. Things went well through mid-May then started to unravel. DD missed T appointments; conflicts between her and bf became more frequent; bf responsibilities traded for rent became inconsistent and I sensed resentment. DD wanted to be with her friends (all users of some substance - not healthy for her). She felt isolated by bf, which was true to some extent. DD started sleeping most of the time. More irritable.

DD's bday was May 28. This is always a trouble spot for her relapsing. We had planned a family time to celebrate with her and bf. They left to celebrate with friends and stayed out 2 days. Spike in agitation, DD face sores, more disagreements between her and everyone - esp. bf. Lack of participation by both of them with family. These changes raised suspicion of drug use for me. They denied this. Things spun out of control on Friday night with a brawl between the two of them. We gave them a break and did not call police. Then while we were gone taking gd to horse farm for lesson yesterday, DD called for help as "he was beating her up and throwing her stuff around". While gd was at the riding stable we returned home and called police. Both of them were out of control. They refused to separate. They picked up their room and were calmly smoking in the back yard when the police arrived. I was very honest with the officers about both that morning and the night before.

Both are now in jail. Not sure what charges will be other than domestic violence and child abuse since gd was there on Friday night and was aware of the fighting. I filed a statement with the facts of what I directly observed. One of the officers told me that bf had meth on his person, which relieved any doubts I had about drugs pushing the emotions and behaviors out of control.

When we picked gd up at the horse farm, at first she seemed upset that her mom was in jail again. Then I reminded her that they could not follow the house rules, so they have to be under the police rules. Her response to that was "now all my friends can come over". They have been over to play outside. Maybe now they can come inside too. It is a wonderful thing that her horse instructor was able to keep gd there as long as needed. She was mucking out a stall and enjoying it. She is going to be spending one day a week as a stable helper over the summer as a volunteer.

What is different for me this time. The pondering process for me today is how different I feel this time. It is so right for them to be in jail. I feel a calmness and lack of internal distress. We can all sense the release of tension in our home. My blood pressure has dropped. The dogs are even more relaxed. Gd is able to talk about how scary the past two days were for her and has sought out comfort from me. Yet she is not clingy, slept in her room all night, is talking about her feelings. We were able to laugh and enjoy each other yesterday afternoon. There are no regrets about our actions calling the police and writing the statement for them.

How have I come to this place of no regrets? I feel no obligation to be directly involved in DD's jail stay or court proceedings to come. I am committed to working with dh on our boundaries with time and money for her. There have been opportunities for me this past year with the women in my church for so much supportive. I also participated in a Healing Care Group for 14 weeks this year that gave me insight into my distorted views of myself in relation to others in my life. Being able to take baby steps over past 6 years toward my own recovery seems to be finally taking hold. I just breathe instead of having to consciously stop, think about how to react, remind myself to inhale... .I just breathe and trust God is there asking to hold my worries. He has it covered. I am so much more clear on my boundaries - what is my responsibility and what belongs to someone else.

Gd's T reminded me a few weeks ago when gd and I were struggling with resistance to boundaries being enforced that the only relationship I have any responsibility in is with gd. Everyone else around me is an adult and needs to meet their own needs. This statement was so clear and easy to remember.

I also was getting regular work with my integrative massage therapist - to be in my body since this is where I hide my emotions and denials. Even though my pain and fatigue continue this has helped me in many other ways.

Need to get on with the day. Thanks for listening.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Dear qcr:  You have been much in my thoughts lately.  It sounds as if you are doing so much better with the spinning.  Please know that we all love you, and wish you and your family peace.      Swampped

[kelti1972]

Hie qca:

Read your ost, I am fairly new here just wanted to let you know you have done a lot of good work and sounds like you have a lot to deal with.  Hugs and support to you!  Kelti

[qcarolr]

Thanks to each of you for the support and hugs. Dd is mostly in panic mode. So many fears, and for now sincere expressions of regret. She has worked so hard to reconnect with dh, gd and I. It is an effort to stay out of the middle of the 'he-said, she-said'  that I heard from bf when he called tonight. He seems to in CYA mode. (Cover your a##). The bond hearings are tomorrow afternoon.

Dd shared her fears about what she will do when dh and I are gone. She filled out her commissary order and is unable to add it up. She has friends ij the transient/homeless community thathave lost caregivers and become really lost in life. This is a big reason I put energy into trying connect dd to community resources.

Dd has taken brave steps to reconnect with extended family since last December with some success. She fears this is all lost. I did my best to encourage her on the phone tonight.

Need sleep now. Will come back when I can to update.

QCR

[Dibdob59]

I am always watching out for your posts QCR and am thinking of you from over the pond. I can so relate to the hopes and fears you are experiencing in this daily dance of BPD. 

From the bottom of my heart I pray that things will move forward for you and your family in the most positive way possible.

Many hugs

Dibdob

[madmom]

qcarolr---I am always impressed with your strength and your wise ways of dealing with your daughter.  Your gd is so lucky to have you.  Best wishes--keep us updated, I am thinking of you often.

[tristesse]

Hi qcarolr

First let me say how very sad I am that things went backwards, they had been heading in such a positive direction.

Now let me tell you how much I admire your strength and determination. I am not sure I would be as strong as you are in the same situation. You GD is lucky to have you in her life, and caring for her... .and so is you DD, even if she doesn't think so right now.

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, take care of yourself, and May God Bless You.

[lever.]

I was also sorry to hear things had taken a backward turn when they had been going better. The way in which you manage the difficulties has been a real inspiration to me Qcr.

Hopefully this will be a blip-it sounds as if your daughter is still communicating with you better.

Wishing you and your family all the very best 

[mggt]

Dear Q, So sorry to hear of this latest news you continue to amaze me with your sensible remarks.  Your gd is really so lucky to have you I know everyone says that but truly she is try and take care of yourself and know you did the right thing this crazy ride of BPD is too too much god bless   mggt

[qcarolr]

Visited dd today. She says she is very bitter that her life will never change; that I call the police; I tell the whole story; how much I set her up for her life to be destroyed. The phone got a lot of static so we spent the final 10 minutes of the 30 using hand signals. She put her hand on the glass at the 2 minute warning. We were both crying.

For a change I do not feel any guilt about being the one to call the police. Bf was threatening to call police... .So I did.

Yesterday dd seemed to acknowledge how their fights were over the top. Today she is minimizing it all saying it was not that bad. It was bad. And gdaughter ran past dh to scream 'STOP FIGHTING' at them. The stuff I found in their room, looking for dd's meds., is scary. Lots of used syringes - hope the needles got into the trash OK. More new ones - a very big bag full in bf's backpack. He was going to run but stopped when dh said to stay or things would be worse.

DD called after our visit though had to back to lock up before her 15 minutes was over. She is in the pod with individual cells. She has one roommate that she has met before. Does not really know her. She got the shampoo and stuff ordered on Sunday. Told her I can put a small amount in her account weekly for personal hygiene. The bottles are really small.

Gd is out with one of the dogs searching for frogs -- there are lots again this year. I spent the past 90 minutes on phone rearranging appointments, finding care for gd since caregivers in jail, setting up playdates for gd, etc. I need to work today and tomorrow. Feels bad to leave gd to entertain herself - she is good at this. I know she needs my attention - lots of it.

So many things all at once. In addition to DD's troubles and their impact on care for gd, my SIL is getting treatment for stage 3 breast cancer. It is a very aggressive, invasive form triggered by all three of the markers they look for. She has had bad reactions each of the 3 treatments she has had so far. Then dh's mom (SIL mom too - she is POA) has pneumonia and is very weak so it is hard for her to cough. She is end-stage Alzheimers so does even know that she needs to cough. It does not look very hopeful for her to recover. This may be a peaceful time for her to transition. There is still great sadness and grief regardless.

Very tired now. Need to find gd so she can go to neighbors when dh gets home in half hour. We are going to visit his mom. Prayers for each person mentioned here are very much appreciated.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Hello qcarol,

Just wanted to say I'm still praying for you and your family.  So many years have passed and you have grown in strength, courage, and faith.

I'm glad to learn that you have someone to trust. 



lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Prayers from this part of the country, too, dear qcr.  Your strength inspires me.  Swampped   

[kelti1972]

qca:

You have so much on your plate.  You will certainly be in our prayers and all your significant others.  My heart goes out to you and is with you and your family.  Kelti   

[qcarolr]

Thank you for the encouragement. Acceptance and trusting God are the main changes in me that allow real letting go of responsibility for others that does not belong to me. This is so key to my peace and perseverance. So many good lessons learned here at bpdfamily. So much understanding support from my friends at church.

I am also learning to better filter my story telling. It is true that I can allow others to earn the right to hear it. Giving a true response to each situation can be accomplished without all the back-story and details. In this way I better preserve respect in these relationships.

DD called again in the evening and gd spoke to her. Gd took the phone to her room to speak in private. DD was crying when I got the phone back and said gd had told her that she was not angry at her for the fighting. Not sure what impact this had on DD. It is so healthy that gd is able to communicate so clearly. Last year gd was no contact with her mom for most of the year. I am glad we had these past few months together to strengthen our connections with DD.

I will return after DD's hearing today with an update.

qcr

[tristesse]

qcarolr, I am praying for the best for you and your family, whatever that may be. I am pleased that you were able to separate your guilt from the issue. I struggle with that every day. Keep your faith and keep us posted.

Big hug to you

[qcarolr]

DD had her arraignment on Thursday.  The charges were dropped to harassment with domestic violence. Judged warned that any more DV charges could lead to a "habitual DV" charge with a mandatory prison sentence 3-6 years. She was released with time served of 6 days and 18 months probation.

We allowed her to come home. I have sought long term RTC for her and there are two that treat both men to heath and addiCT ion.  One also offers CBT and DBT.  I think they accept her medicaid for most of the fees.

qcr

[madmom]

Sounds like you have a couple of good options available.   Best wishes.  You are truly an inspiration.

[qcarolr]

Of course she thinks she "can do it" in community programs this time.  I have to get RTC figured out and let probation officer know. If she relapses on drugs she is either homeless, at RTC or back to jail.

We met together with PO yesterday and she hit it off well with DD. She meets with PO next week to set up drug monitoring and DV evaluation. She has to get domestic violence treatment, mental health treatment and drug monitoring. She will get vouchers to pay the monitoring. I hope her medicaid will cover the DV treatment too.

I am willing to give her rides in beginning.I am asking her to schedule one structured activity Monday through Friday. She needs to sleep at home every night. She can have a pre-approved friend visit. She has said yes to all these conditions.

Only time will tell. GD was really happy to have her mom home. I am spent and need rest. Looking forward to a "McMuffin" date with Dh in morning. Benefit of the mom in the house to hang out with GD. I will drop him at work and en joy church and then the 12 step group after. Need some encouragemental and prayer to continue on this path of unconditional love with strong boundaries and consistently enforced consequences.

God does keep His promises to provide when I can  freely give him my worries.

qcr

Maybe I can share the Bf side of story and the pick to my thumb disposing of drug crap from the room. Six months of testing and preventive meds since do not know who used this needle.

[lbjnltx]

Oh I so so hope that she can get in the long term RTC w/DBT. 

Prick to your finger w/drug needle qcarol?   

You needed this like a hole in the head... .doubling up on my prayers for you and your family.



lbj

[qcarolr]

I think there is a hole in my head and common sense is leaking out.  

My morning was good - took some self time driving dh to work with stop for quick breakfast on the way. He loaned his truck to neighbor. Then went to church and the 12-step group at church. Then home. DD had invited a friend to meet us at church, 3rd service so she resented staying home with gd. She had agreed the night before. She did not tell me this until I was waking her up to be there for gd.

She got grumpier all afternoon. She was very frustrated with gd's seeming defiant behaviors and neither one was in good mood when I got back from picking dh up. Then i HAD to go to the grocery store. We had invited neighbors over that dd is very uncomfortable with. She doesn't seem to get that screaming at your mom, 6 inched behind her head, as she crosses the street and enter's the neighbors house was not a good sign of her friendship. This was several years ago. They are very accepting understanding people. It was too much so dd went to an NA meeting with an old friend.

So she is trying to do what she needs to. It was a bad day for her. There was lots of projecting onto dh and I. She runs her story telling round and round. I went up to sit with gd when she took her bath. dh and dd had seperated and gone to their respective rooms by the time she was done. So a more settled house for now. Hope dd feels better tomorrow.

I was kind of whiny today as well. Need more consistent self-quiet-time to regenerate. Will seek this out daily this week.

qcr

[kelti1972]

Hi qca:

Welcome back, Nar Anon has been a life saver for me.  Sounds like you got a good deal of support, yet we can always have more.  Prayers are with you and family!  Kelti

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

qcaroir

I just wanted to send you a hug today... .I have not been on this sight much lately. My dd is in rehab again and I can relate to your problems somewhat. I know that the addict will relapse way before they do drugs... .they revert back to the addict behaviors... .the lying and sleeping excessively... .stealing and on and on.

You are a good mom... .I don't think you need me to tell you that but I wanted you to know. I have followed your story and you have been very brave and very supportive. My prayers are with you... .

[qcarolr]

Pretty bumpy week so far. Yesterday evening went mostly downhill. Gd draws me away and we both get to take some 'time out' -- we give each other some 'time-in'. Dh and I got sucked into the rabbit hole with DD -- all of us justifying our point of view and not listening to what anyone needed very well.

Then gd's 5 hours working as stable-helper went down the drain - the gate was locked and gd10 had forgotten to tell me the horse farm was closed for vacation! So she had to go to work with me, and without her Kindle! Now I call that a natural consequences. We were there about 4 hours and most of it she managed playing with the 10-key adding machine, the 3-hole punch that does 20 sheets at a time, and playing games and watching favorite TV show on my phone. At least until the battery died. That was the last hour of "when are you done". Overall it went better than I expected. I brought home what I needed to login the rest of the week.

Gd was supposed to go to her T appointment this afternoon but wanted to stay home after being at my work all morning.   So I called in and spent her time talking with T about the past few days. It is so nice to have someone that is so good at validation/SET. Even though I 'know' this is what is happening, it still feels good to hear how my responses are normal even though misunderstood. To be reminded I have been down this road and always come back to the top again -- always. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with gd swinging (big hammock swing in tree), playing with toads and dogs, watering our few potted garden plants, and overall enjoying the afternoon.

Even with a few dips with DD today, it was good. Still tired -- better get off to bed. A busy day tomorrow taking DD to her probation appt to set up monitoring etc. I am going to try to find a playdate for gd otherwise she gets to tag along    If it is just DD and I, maybe she will do the "Walk n Talk" hour at the Wellness Center (part of the county mental health center programs). I promised to try and do some of these that are open to the public with her. Maybe we can get to yoga once a week there too -- it is all free. DD knows that boredom equals trouble and it is a hard pattern to break out of.

It is so good to have you all to listen to my story.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, qcarolr 

I hope things went well today with your daughter's appointment... .Her agreeing to do some quality activities with you that are calming and healthy sounds like a very good step. I hope you guys were able to do that.

It sounds like you and your granddaughter are really moving forward with a close, respectful relationship. She sounds like she is maturing, at least a little bit, don't you think? Working with the horses should be great for her self-esteem, and something to keep her busy animal-loving mind occupied for the summer 

I hope things between you and your husband can keep on track; it's so hard when our children (and grandchildren) become the center of some sort of drama. Those times can really tax even the best of marriages, so hang in there (I know whereof I speak   ). Thanks so much for keeping us updated; I think about you and your family often... .