Some good news

[SES]

The house is finally gone.  She left me to clear it out. Although I felt sad about clearing it out and throwing so many things away, I also felt liberated.  We are a week on week off with the kids through the summer.  Prior to the handover this week she made threats that she wasn't going to let me have them; despite our 50 50 agreement. Last week texts calling me this and that.  The week before engineering a drama about her possible plans to take the kids abroad.   The week before threats to take the house off the market.  Lawyer is wondering if I should report her to the police for harassment. I'm not too sure, as I suspect she will escalate in response.   I have asked her to stop sending me abusive or threatening texts.  I'd like to record the issue somehow, as I need to prepare for further problems in the future,  but also to have some boundary.

Currently away at my sister's.   Next week I'm in temporary accommodation whilst I wait to buy a house (sale keeps getting delayed).

[enlighten me]

Good news indeed.

I would get a diary or create one on your computor. Every time she threatens you or starts to make excuses log it. take a picture of any text messages and file them with the date to correspond to the diary. A quick print out of the log of unreasonable behaviour would be quite telling of what you have to deal with. Dont get sucked into arguments and respond with "that is not what our agreement states". By showing your being reasonable and following the court order you will be able to prove your not the one being awkward.

Getting your own place is great news. It was a breath of fresh air starting with a clean slate and meant my kids had somewhere where they relaxed. It worked so well my boys from my marriage now live with me and dont want anything to do with their mum.

[livednlearned]

SES, I'm glad the house debacle is over. You have certainly suffered a lot this past while, you and others like you who have to live in the same house while divorcing a BPD spouse. I truly cannot imagine, and I'm glad you're finally clear of this hurdle.

What would be gained from reporting her for harassment? Not suggesting one way or another -- I'm not familiar with how things work where you live, so am curious what the end game would be. Would it be something that provides you a protective order of sorts? Or would it possibly have an impact on your custody arrangement, maybe not short term but long term? My ex harassed me a lot, too. Eventually, it helped me get legal custody because the judge saw it as an opportunity to minimize conflict. Harassment always went up when we were trying to negotiate something that had to do with S14.

Also, if she did escalate her harassment, what do you think she would do? How are you doing the exchanges at the moment?

[SES]

Yes, not sure what will be gained by reporting to the police.  What she is doing can be seen as a crime in the UK... Although I'm not sure it would stop her, and it would certainly make her worse. 

Handovers through the summer have been at a kids summer childcare club mostly, although one was at my place of work (she was over an hour late to collect), one outside a police station, and one at home... .not my choice, she threatened to not let me have them if it wasn't at home. 

Today was a handover at the police station.  Her response to the suggestion was "obviously... .don't want to risk me being awkward"... .  Followed by telling me she missed me, wishing me well in my new job and in my new home... .followed later by veiled threats.  The handover didn't involve us talking,  as our kids got out of my car and into hers. 

She will have found out about my new job at work.  I'm surprised it has taken this long to come to her attention.

It is so much easier not owning a house together.   When I move to my new home I'm getting a different mobile contract for me, and I'll keep my current number just for her.  Then, just the issue of her behaviour regarding the kids. 

[enlighten me]

My biggest recomendation is to have all communication in writing. Text and email leaves a trail and cannot be twisted. With verbal communication she can say anything. You might call her to ask about the kids and she can report you for harrassing her and say you threatened her. It comes down to your word against hers. As you know it only takes one high profile case in the uk for the balance of the courts to shift in favour of one side.

I even bought a dictaphone which I used to carry on me just in case. I dont know if a uk court would accept it but im sure if anything happened and i played it to the police they would have backed me or at least not taken her seriously.

From personal experience with two uBPD exs it gets worse before it gets better. I made mistakes with my first ex as I reacted and increased the drama. With my second I just say ok and disengage. Im sure it infuriates her as i have received numerous ranting texts after whuch ive also said ok to and left it at that.

[SES]

Enlighten me- thanks.  What sort of things did your exs do to escalate things?

Yes, copious video and audio recordings... .even of the handover today.  I used them twice with the police... .One an allegation of harassment,  the other an allegation of assault.   No charges or further action either time.  Both times the police advised me not to delete my recordings, and to back them up.  Reading between the lines, probably in preparation for further allegations in the future.  My lawyer advised that she will get worse when she has been settled in to her new home for a few weeks... .as she will have to start paying for everything herself, and she will then face some consequences for her decisions.  I'm waiting to see what the impact of my new job has.   It's a rather monumental promotion within the organisation she works in as a nurse. My old boss predicts she will find another job... .He has been good at predicting her... .and told me I'd be in police custody at some point.   My feeling... .she'll stay and try to make things difficult.

[livednlearned]

My career took off after my divorce -- like you, my personal life was in tatters and professionally I seemed to have wings. It was a bizarre combination   although I'm grateful at least one part of my life was not in flames.

I noticed that my ex dysregulated the worst when he discovered evidence I was dating. Full-blown psychotic episode and mania, the whole works.

enlighten me has great advice. As much as possible, prepare for the dysregulations and then disengage. As my dad says, you cannot win a pissing match with a skunk. Better to just move along as much as possible with kids involved, and only involve third parties if it means boundaries to protect yourself.

[SES]

Thanks for the skunk analogy.  It made me laugh and it sums things up nicely!  Things will become much easier to manage now I don't live in the same house.   Life seems easier already.  It's good to remind myself that she is dysregulating at times.  Yes, it's rather weird to get success in my career against the backdrop of such carnage in my personal life.  But I agree, it's great that not everything has been burnt to the ground.  Life is looking much better.  Thanks for the support.