BPD daughter requesting I not contact her

[mother of bpd daughter]

My 29 year old daughter has requested I not contact her over a misunderstanding.  This is a pattern she has when she is upset with me.  It started when she called me and I was at work (I just went back) and couldn't answer my phone until I was done.  I could tell by her voice she was not doing well and asked her if there was anything wrong and she told me no.  Told her to call if she felt like talking.  She called me the next day while I was at work and I could not answer.  She texted me saying "funny u don't answer my calls after being such a b___ to me. Grow up and please do not contact me.  I told her I had called her and left a message. To stop name calling and that I could understand how she would feel that I was ignoring her if she didn't see that I called and in stead of assuming I was a b___ to wait until I was done with work and we could talk then.  She texted me again and told me not to contact her.  I set the boundary with name calling.  Do I not contact her?  She will then say I don't care about her because I haven't called.  Suggestions please? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi mother of BPD daughter,

There isn't much you can say to her logically that she won't experience as invalidating when she is dysregulated. 


SET statement to address not answering the phone:

"I want to be here for you,I'm sorry I was not able to answer your call when it came in. I can see how that would be frustrating for you. My time is not my own while I'm at work."

Reply to request for no contact:

"I'll respect your wishes for me not to contact you.  I will wait to hear from you when you are ready. Love you."

lbj

[mother of bpd daughter]

Great advice.  I have read the DBT training book and still get stuck with how to reply to situations.  I think I get dysregulated when she upsets me haha!

[lbjnltx]

Great advice.  I have read the DBT training book and still get stuck with how to reply to situations.  I think I get dysregulated when she upsets me haha!

We all can, learning and practicing the skills is all we can do.

Early on in my membership here when I would see a call coming in from my daughter I would repeat to myself:

"validate, validate, validate"

Added in over time:

"SET,SET,SET" and "Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries"

It's easy to get lost in the sauce when we are not mentally prepared.

lbj

[DreamGirl]

lbjnltx is the validation ninja.  

I think it's really good that you are seeing that you get upset too! I also tend to get caught up in the "noise" of the attempts at getting my attention.

This link is really helpful when it comes to validation --- knowing what to validate and knowing NOT to invalidate: https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

[Butterflygirl]

I don't mean to minimize your  pain, especially if you enjoy the company of your daughter, but I would give everything I own if my son would give me some space. Take this time to bolster yourself and enjoy life. She will probably come back soon. She may be depressed or giving you the silent treatment to manipulate you. Only you can say. But we are here for you.

[kelti1972]

Hi mother of BPD daughter:

Yes we have to regulate our emotions before we can be validating and helpful to our children.  It is so hard to practice that.  I find myself getting worked up and deregulating too and have to pause and look at my reaction in the middle of a conversation at times.  It can be very frustrating and hard.

ibj suggesstions were so helpful to me also for future reference.  I need lots of practice too.  Even though I have learned the hard way to deal with my son, years before he was diagnoised and I didn't know what the heck was going on, now I have this site to help and support.

Silence and separation brings up my abandonment issues and is really hard for me.  It feels abusive and punishing.  Sometimes it is meant to be.  I have to learn to be patient and let go and let God.  She will eventually come around, my adult kids would stay away, at times for long, long periods without me even knowing what I did or didn't do.  It drives me crazy! 

I have had to learn to detach with love and not take it personal.  I know that I get stronger and feel better, when I can get independant of others thoughts, opinions and actions.  Good luck!  Kelti

[madmom]

Can only had another vote for the things lbj posted to you.  That is the advice that I would offer to you.   Best wishes, you are not alone.

[qcarolr]

The thought that comes to mind for me is how my DD29 cannot hear my needs when her needs are overwhelming her and she wants me to 'fix' that. When I am taking good care of my needs, then I am better able to effectively use the validation, SET, and boundaries skills. I have put them to practice a lot. If I get dysregulated along with her -- OH, that is not a good scene in our house. If dh joins in the chaos, watch out. Then gd10 is the most mature person in the house and there is lots of relationship repair needed.

Mother of BPD D, be kind to yourself and find the comfort you need. What things help you come back to center? Your DD will come back into contact. Yes, it is hard to allow her to control the timing of that. Lbj has good suggestions to let her know you will be there when she is ready.

qcr