Mocking Bird Syndrome

[Thread]

Is anyone else having difficulty with therapy?

My h BPD has turned into a copy cat. Anything discussed in therapy or outside of therapy is then turned around onto me being the one doing the act not him. For example he will be shaking almost to tears and then state, "you are escalating!" I was quietly working. Decided to stop the conversation because it was cycling.

Next it's followed by blaming me for always being angry at him how he's always wrong and always at fault and how he apologies all the time and I never forgive him. Like the use of always, never all the time!

I'm not exaggerating.

I know my h BPD needs to get into a therapist who is trained DBT, but there is a 3-4 month wait period. He had received a call from the center, but has not informed me of any more information about the topic. He agreed to be evaluated prior to me contacting th DBT center encouraged by his therapist he sees once a week. But it it takes the same amount of time for him to get into DBT like it did for regular therapy it will take months for him to do it himself or like the last two time me telling him I will leave.

I'm at a loss here and really am in able to wait 3-4 months of this weekly exploding. I can also see when he starts snapping at me first thing in the morning this is what's going to result. I've been shutting down on these days. I have a therapist. I see her bi-monthly and am free to email her when needed.

Please any advice on how to deal with this or your perks am experiences are welcomed!

[enlighten me]

Sounds like he is projecting. If you replace you for I and re read what you wrote it might give you a different prospective. He may as he is in therapy be becoming more self aware of his actions and this will be painful for him so rather than accept its him he is projecting it onto you.

[Thread]

Just found out my h BPD's therapist told him that I would refuse marriage therapy. That I am the borderline one!

How deal with this - this guy is nuts and clearly my h BPD has manipulated the situations.

Today he told me he does "everything" as far as work goes I started pointing to all the things I've done and said did you do that. No. How bout that. No.

He had an episode because I took a day off. I took the morning off and worked the entire evening. Which I do sleep in if I know we are going in at 10pm and I will work home he sleeps until late afternoon 3-4pm. I have weird hours because our work environment  is humid and hot no AC and it effects our stuff.

This is what made him lose it. Me taking a day off when I sometimes work 20 hours with naps three days in a row! My business made 4500 last month. You're welcome a$$hole.

He works hard too. But he doesn't not by any means do EVERYTHING.

Here are his borderline issues:

Dump water in his own head blamed it because he knew I wanted to do it to him

Suicidal threats when I want to leave

Loving texts, following really hateful texts

Cannot handle criticism

If I correct something he immediately becomes defensive

No good friends and doesn't go out much

Controlling hovers over me and gets jealous of my friendships

Lived in the streets before we had met

Did a lot of drugs before we had met

Was prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants

Didn't talk to his parents for a year

Took off to live in California and Vegas within a week of telling his family (18) had no plan no money no job

Lived with druggies during this time

Has said he felt he had an alcohol problem

Hid smoking cigarettes from me for months when I discovered it he still refused to tell the truth

Had an email with an ex girlfriend again refused to tell the truth lied to my face about responding even when I pulled up the email of the response

His favorites are exactly his mother's

Can't make decisions then I ale them then freaks out about how I make All the decisions

Outbursts 2-4 times a month

Used to refuse therapy until I gave him an ultimatum

His mom and sister have BPD

He freaks out shaking to the point of tears then tells me I'm the one escalating

Emotionally abusive he called me "crazy, stupid, b___, robotic, lacking character, boring,"

He cannot admit the things I excel at in combination with what he isn't as strong at

He likes to believe he is the best at everything

Uses statements "always, every time, all the time, never"

There is not inbetween it's either all nice or mean not neutral

Plays holier than thou and moral high horse to his therapist

Pins me as the bad one

When I try to talk to him about my days or hanging out with friends he won't listen to the conversation it's too beneath him and not his business

He will throw food down angrily and then say I did it first

He will curse at me and say I did it first

He will write letters and letters apologizing when I need my space and lay at the door until I let him in or he falls asleep

He will go off about apple or Mac negatively but to others acts like he likes the brand

Over exaggerated and under exaggerates

I don't know what to do! I'm glad he is in therapy, but what the heck his therapist is clueless! Help. I cannot believe he's trying to pin me as BPD. I've heard him suggest it in therapy with him as well... .Like "she has episodes, or she treats you all wonderful and all bad?" I know what BPD is and I'm not the person who needs to be treated for it.

[rotiroti]

I'm sorry, that must be frustrating. I remember wondering if I was the one that was ill during my time of recovery.

Did he enter therapy on his own or was it part of an ultimatum? I can't say I have experienced this firsthand, but the stories I've read about ultimatums, the pwBPD will go through the motions to appease the partner and will hide their symptoms.

[rarsweet]

Did you hear the t say this or did hubby say the t said it? I'd almost bet it was hubby.

[swiftkick]

Did you hear the t say this or did hubby say the t said it? I'd almost bet it was hubby.

That's a very good point.  My stbxh wanted me to go to a couple of his counseling sessions around a time of him trying to get back together with me.  I thought it was strange and knowing him, figured he'd get upset if I didn't return the favor (he's done this with other things).  But what also kept me from going is knowing during one of his rages, he's say something along the lines of "T said you were passive aggressive, clearly have daddy issues, and that you have shifty eyes," or something along those lines. 

No way would I invite that! 

Hanging, your h's symptoms are very similar to mine.  He projects constantly, is a complete hypocrite, and he always has something or someone to blame so he never really takes full responsibility. (you made me say that/ fell that/do that because of your behavior, it was alcohol, etc)

Anytime I point out a rule that he has for me that's clearly something he doesn't think applies to him, he tries to find a way to turn the tables or says "it's clear all you want to do is argue and not ever forget anything!"  (This from the person still bringing up things I did 8 years ago.). You know, the old "look over there" trick? 

It's so frustrating trying to live with their rules while they behave however it suits them (while we keep our opinions to ourselves).

[Thread]

Yes it was an ultimatum. And his therapist in front of me has eluded to "so she escalates, so you feel like you're walking on eggshells." This is why when h BPD tells me these thing I do believe his therapist is feeding them to him. In therapy the therapist has insinuated borderline characteristics onto me.

[swiftkick]

Yes it was an ultimatum. And his therapist in front of me has eluded to "so she escalates, so you feel like you're walking on eggshells." This is why when h BPD tells me these thing I do believe his therapist is feeding them to him. In therapy the therapist has insinuated borderline characteristics onto me.

If his therapist isn't trained to work with BPD (many won't), he may be unknowingly doing more harm than any good.  Normal things like mirroring and other "therapist speak" give the PDs too many opportunities for manipulating the T--and they will!

[rarsweet]

I was thinking the t was mirroring him also. I have been seeing a t since September last year. I   usually don't swear, I mean at all. One session I said "pissed" after that slip my t said that word like 5 times in 20 minutes. It was like she mirrored me and gave me permission to use it. Doesn't mean she agreed with it. I think your h is doing divide and conquer,

[Gonzalo]

If his therapist isn't trained to work with BPD (many won't), he may be unknowingly doing more harm than any good.  Normal things like mirroring and other "therapist speak" give the PDs too many opportunities for manipulating the T--and they will!

You have to remember that therapy language is just a set of language tools, there's nothing magical about them and they can be twisted around easily. I suspect therapists who aren't trained to deal with pwBPD just go to the standard toolbox and don't realize how easily it can be turned into a mess. Don't grant 'therapist speak' any magical powers in your head, someone can use a phrase like 'triggering' or 'mirroring' without being right about what they're saying.

My ex- had picked up a lot of therapy language from her old session and loved to weaponize it. If she was mad at me for something completely unreasonable (I disagreed what a menu item meant, I tried to discuss how we fold laundry, I asked to schedule a talk she wanted to have, I didn't do the dishes when she was at home while I was at work), even the least hint that maybe she shouldn't be shouting at me for it was met with an accusation that I was invalidating her feelings, and of course all feelings are valid. If I tried to talk about how I feel but used something that wasn't on her approved list of standard emotions, she'd tell me 'that's not a feeling' - which also conveniently sidestepped the 'all feelings are valid' mantra. Half the words I would use to express any kind of problem were declared 'trigger words' and would result in her yelling at me - including anything touching on ingratitude, and even words like 'complaint' in the context of 'I understand you have some complaints about me, I'd like to hear them and address them'. 

Weaponized mirroring was also interesting. I would say something like "I think that this specific thing was not reasonable and I would like it if you'd stop doing it", and she'd mirror it as "Oh, so you're saying I'm a crazy cXXX?" even though I'd try to explain it. When I would try to mirror her and understand what she was trying to say (before I understood how truly disordered the thinking behind her words was), she would tell me that I got it wrong, but instead of going back and forth towards understanding she would say that if I cared I would understand.