tired of being emotionally bullied

[truthbeknown]

I have been emotionally bullied by my ex for years and I get to a point where i want to make a stand but i don't know if i'm choosing the right times to do that.  I have trusted her several times in the past and it has cost me greatly.  When i was unemployed, she was very nice to me and told me we would work out the finances etc.  Once i became employed she held that over my head and tells everyone in her circle (including my oldest kids) that i'm not paying her or that i'm behind on CS.  I got sick last year and had to move in with a friend who lived two states over from where my ex and the kids live.   After the threats about cs kept coming I decided to consult an attorney.  I told him that i was doing my best but i simply wasn't making enough to pay the full amount.  I asked him if we can go to court and ask for a reduction.  He said because i was behind it was not a good idea.  That in fact if i couldn't come up with the money they could put me in jail.   He told me to do my best but that it is probably better that i'm out of state.  I still pay her half of what i'm supposed to but i'm going into serious debt and she continues to use this as power over me.  

Fast forward to today.  I am supposed to pick up my children and bring them back to the state i'm residing in to have them for vacation.  She wants me to send her my address in text.  The lawyer advised me to try to avoid electronic trails with her and give her stuff in writing (checks for cs, and writing pieces of paper).  He said, if she really is a hoarder and BPD she's probably not organized enough to keep track of that stuff.  But if you give her text messages or transfer money it makes it easy for her.

I dislike that i have to play this game with her.  It is against what how i would like to behave and act.  I wish I could just be open with her but it has cost me so much in the past to do so.  Now, I'm confronted with whether i should cave in and send her a text or just wait until tomorrow to give it to her by a hand written note.  She is sending me texts like: "why are you resistant to telling me where you live; you know where i live."  This of course makes me angry because in the past she has taken my son out of state without telling me for medical appointments and TELLS me when she is going on vacation with the kids rather then asking me if that works etc.  Plus i don't know where she goes when she takes them!   However, she uses the cs issue right now as the power play.  Gosh i'm tired of being emotionally abused and manipulated by her but sometimes it feels like i don't have any choice but to give her what she wants.   Right now i still haven't sent the text.  In a healthy relationship this would be considered Passive aggressive.  It's almost like dealing with a BPD person makes one look like a PA when one holds boundaries to their demands.  I don't like it at all; its not how i wish to operate.

[livednlearned]

It's almost like dealing with a BPD person makes one look like a PA when one holds boundaries to their demands.  I don't like it at all; its not how i wish to operate.

I understand. Dealing with someone who has BPD can bring out behaviors in us that don't reflect our core values.

Child support seems almost sacred in family law court. There are so many dads who have walked away from their responsibility that it makes it hard for fathers who are down on their luck or trying their best.

Are you at risk of being arrested when you go pick up the kids?

[ForeverDad]

I believe in most states a vacation notice is just that, a notice and not a request.  However the local court that issued the custody and schedule order probably has a framework for vacations and holidays.  Holidays usually alternate from one to the next and then flip to the other parent the next year.  If you're remove with fewer visits then it might be different.  Holidays usually trump everything else.  Then next in priority comes vacations, they trump the regular schedule.

Vacations have additional hoops to jump through, typical requirements are for advance written notice with at least a basic itinerary provided.  Has she complied with the advance notice requirement?  My vacations are a bit fluid so what I have written in the past were overviews something like this: "I have scheduled a vacation with children after school year end from June 1 to 14.  I will be going to the Rocky Mountains and will be traveling in Colorado, northern New Mexico and northern Utah.  We will ride the historic narrow gauge coal & steam engine railroads, Silverton at Durango CO and Cumbres-Toltec near Chama NM, also visit the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and other parks.  I don't have a more detailed itinerary yet but will update you with general items later.  Be aware that though I and kids will have phone(s) with us, cell reception is spotty in the mountains and rural areas." 

Be aware that most courts separate child support from visitation.  Just because you're behind doesn't mean she controls or limits visits.  However, she has 'leverage', mostly emotional, and is willing to use it to keep you intimidated.  Can you get other consultations, perhaps from the county that would handle the case?  The longer you make partial payments, the deeper in debt you get and a reduction in CS based on lower income probably wouldn't be retroactive.  A lawyer local to the court might be able to convince the court that you truly and sincerely are financially suffering due to the extended recession and poor job prospects and not attempt to send you to jail just for being behind.  Frankly, the longer you take to find a solution and ge the CS adjusted to the proper amount, the deeper your hole is.

[truthbeknown]

i asked him about that.  the courts he said won't take into account how many bills i have; they just look at the net income and it's all black and white.  I've consulted with two attorneys that have told me the same thing.  That i can't ask for a retro active reduction and based on my income now they will want me to pay more then i can afford.  Until i find a better paying job i'm basically going deeper into both physical debt and emotional debt.  That is also why i'm a little skiddish about giving out my address.  Technically if she applied for food stamps she would have to claim i'm behind and then they could issue a warrent in illinois for me.  The only leverage that i have is that she doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy".  She wants to be the victim more then that.  So she'll use it as an emotional weapon over my head, tell my older kids (and i believe my 14yo now too) that i don't give her what i should so it pits them against me.  I should have never trusted her that i could work it out with her but I'm just too damn trusting and now it is biting me in the but.   I will have to give her my address when i get there and there is always a risk that something worse can happen. My hope is that I get a higher paying job and can start to make up the deficit which is already over 10k!   

I'm pretty down guys but trying to keep my spirits up.  Dealing with people like this there is no way to win but i'm just trying to survive both emotionally and financially.  Thanks for listening others who haven't been through this don't understand.

[rarsweet]

I think you need to talk to another lawyer, and one in her state not yours. Yes the courts don't care about your bills. They will care about things like student loans, childcare costs, visitation expenses. When you are ordered to pay child support you have to notify the other parent of your address or it can be contempt of court. Courts won't decrease child support retroactively, but they will only order so much of your income you have to pay. When you have an arrearage the percent of your income taken won't go above the states cap, they will make you pay longer. So say they take 40% of your income it could be for 2 years, or 5, or 10, whatever it takes. Its like a car payment, you know your monthly payment changes depending on the years of the loan, but the total amount is the same. Your monthly child support payment would get decreased if your income has changed and then you add in the area rages. Example ... .every state has a self support reserve, in NH its $1200 a month. The state will not make c.s. payments that drop your income below that. Each state rules how much of your income can be used for c.s. in total, including arrearages. In NH I think its 45%. So simple math. You used to make 3k month, your c.s. is 25%, or $750 month. You owe 10k. Now you make 2k month. Your new c.s. amount would be $500 month, 25%. They would garnish 45% of your new pay to start clearing what you owe. 45% of 2k month is $900. If your state's self support reserve is $1100 that is). So $900 month minus $500 is $400 a month going to your back balance. They would take that amount for 24 months until you are debt free. But say you don't ask for a decrease in the order you would be building your debt at $750 a month. Right now you are also risking losing your license and income tax refunds letting the debt grow. Courts aren't going to throw you in jail if you are paying what you can. But first you have to show the court your new income.

[Panda39]

I think you need to talk to another lawyer, and one in her state not yours. Yes the courts don't care about your bills. They will care about things like student loans, childcare costs, visitation expenses. When you are ordered to pay child support you have to notify the other parent of your address or it can be contempt of court. Courts won't decrease child support retroactively, but they will only order so much of your income you have to pay. When you have an arrearage the percent of your income taken won't go above the states cap, they will make you pay longer. So say they take 40% of your income it could be for 2 years, or 5, or 10, whatever it takes. Its like a car payment, you know your monthly payment changes depending on the years of the loan, but the total amount is the same. Your monthly child support payment would get decreased if your income has changed and then you add in the area rages. Example ... .every state has a self support reserve, in NH its $1200 a month. The state will not make c.s. payments that drop your income below that. Each state rules how much of your income can be used for c.s. in total, including arrearages. In NH I think its 45%. So simple math. You used to make 3k month, your c.s. is 25%, or $750 month. You owe 10k. Now you make 2k month. Your new c.s. amount would be $500 month, 25%. They would garnish 45% of your new pay to start clearing what you owe. 45% of 2k month is $900. If your state's self support reserve is $1100 that is). So $900 month minus $500 is $400 a month going to your back balance. They would take that amount for 24 months until you are debt free. But say you don't ask for a decrease in the order you would be building your debt at $750 a month. Right now you are also risking losing your license and income tax refunds letting the debt grow. Courts aren't going to throw you in jail if you are paying what you can. But first you have to show the court your new income.

I also want to piggyback on this an say even if you can't change the amount retroactively it seems to me you could at least change the current amount going forward so you are not digging the hole deeper faster. 

I think you should talk with another attorney too.  You can't possibly be the only dad in the world that had a loss in income and fallen behind on child support.  I think it's important to do all due diligence to get this resolved.  I know it's scary to face this but you need to or things will just get worse. 

[truthbeknown]

because i'm in  a different state it makes it hard to consult attorneys in the state where the kids reside.  In Illinois the cs is 32% with three kids and 28% with 2 kids.  Technically they still have me at the 32%.  However, my income last year was net 18-20k.  Even though that is low, at 32% i would have had to pay 450/mo or so.  I could not afford to do that and live.   I have way too much student loan debt and because my credit got rocked in this whole situation I have a really high car payment.  Between rent food and gas and then car payment there isn't enough to make even that 450 payment.   The courts are going to look at the numbers of my net from what i understand.   The attorney that I spoke with said i should have gone back when i was unemployed but now that i'm employed they(state of ill) will want me to pay the net amount i make now and even though 450-700 may be low income I can't afford to pay more or i will never see my kids (gas each month to drive back and forth to see them plus food costs when i have them).  It's a double bind for sure but I hear what you're saying about getting another opinion from another lawyer.  It can't hurt, i just have to figure out a way to get that done with working two jobs and living out of state.   I've learned how challenging it is when you live on the "bottom rung" and try to do the right things.  It's a snow ball effect.   The airconditioning unit in my car just broke and my check engine light came on in the last day.  The air will cost 400 to get fixed.  The light indicates something happenig with a sensor in my transmission on my car.  Because my credit sucks, i can't just turn around and dump this but i don't have the financial means to get these things fixed either.  I've been in this situation before and I've had to take high interest short term loans to get funds to pay for things.   That's the negative snowball effect.  I'm working so much and so tired that I don't even have time to think clearly about what else I can do.   Sorry,  it's depressing (i know)and I am venting here a bit only because I don't know who else to tell or what else to do.  I don't want you guys to think that I'm trying to negate any positive suggestions but i'm just so tired and run down I don't know how to make this all work other then trying to get a better paying job (i'm trying believe me).   I've made several really bad choices because i trusted that my ex wasn't going to try and hurt me and i was wrong!  I can't go back but I hope things turn around in the next year.

[livednlearned]

I don't know much about how student loans work -- any chance you could have them forgiven?

[truthbeknown]

lived and learned:

there is a provision that if i pay the minimum after 20years the debt will be forgiven.  what they haven't worked out is whether there will be taxes charged to that or not yet.   Who knows what the gov't will be like in  20 years? In the meanwhile, i'm not in trouble with them and i'm proud of myself for managing to stay on top of deferments etc. to keep from defaulting on them.

[catnap]

Your A/C not working is not ideal, but something that does not have to be fixed in order to get from point A to point B.  The sensor on your transmission, however, may just be a plug and play part that a local automotive store would be willing to "read" the code to see which sensor is failing/failed for free.  It might be simple for you to replace just for the cost of the sensor, but before buying a sensor, Google the make and model of your car and look at the wiring for the transmission.  It could just be a loose wire to the sensor. All the sensors are outside of the transmission case.  You can also try youtube for a video on how to check wiring and replacing sensors. 

As to consulting with attorneys in a different state, some might offer a free consultation (avvo.com is a wonderful for source for locating attorneys who offer free consults and asking free questions) via phone. 

[truthbeknown]

catnap,

I went to a transmission shop yesterday but he told me they don't do alot of work on CVT transmissions.  He did read the codes and suggested that i bring them to the Nissan dealership and see if they would tell me more.  I followed his suggestion and the Nissan service clerk told me that any trans before 2010 in my model car had alot of problems.  Most of them wind up needing to be replaced he said. 

I do have a free apt scheduled on Wed at a different transmission place (ammco) to see what they say.  Also, i tentatively made an apt at the Nissan dealership for Friday because if the aamco guys don't seem to well versed in CVT trannies like today's place was I wanted to have a backup plan in place.

The codes it read were more then just the sensor. they had to do with the solenoids or computer module that affects their regulation.

Wish me luck

[catnap]

Oh my, I do wish you all the luck in the world.  I was hoping it was something fairly simple.