Putting myself back together

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I recently got out of a one year relationship with someone I suspect to have BPD.  We met online.  I was not interested in him at first, but he was very persistent, so I decided to give it a try.  After a couple of dates, I told him that I did not feel the "spark", thinking that there is no arguing with chemistry.  However, he got angry with me and very hurt.  This was perplexing to me, so against my intuition, I decided to keep dating him.  He was so passionate, that I was intrigued.  He was very loving, attentive, thoughtful, charmismatic, and creative (all things I was very attracted to).  However, he was also very insecure, often had panic attacks, and seemed to be having an internal struggle, or dialogue that was intense.  If I was not smiling, or something was bothering me, he would press me about "what was wrong."  If the answer was that had anything to do with him, or how I felt about something he did, he would automatically get rageful and the discussion would turn into an argument.  He would bring up past issues, and I would forget the whole reason we started fighting (which was usually nothing big).  One time, the argument almost turned violent.  I still did not know what was wrong, but I tried to soften my approach anytime I would try to communicate a feeling.  I could tell he was trying to retain his anger, but it still perplexed me that he was angry about things so small, that could easily be fixed.  In any event, because I did not know what was wrong, whenever we fought like that, I would leave (my mistake).  A month ago, I left and told my family that we were broken up.  I started to google "my boyfriend gets angry" and other symptoms that I saw and found this information on BPD.  I spoke to a couple therapists and they said he likely has BPD.  Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces.  I love him so much, but I know this is for the better.  Anyways, thanks for reading, any input is appreciated.

[Smellinflowrs]

Hello,

I recently got out of a one year relationship with someone I suspect to have BPD.  We met online.  I was not interested in him at first, but he was very persistent, so I decided to give it a try.  After a couple of dates, I told him that I did not feel the "spark", thinking that there is no arguing with chemistry.  However, he got angry with me and very hurt.  This was perplexing to me, so against my intuition, I decided to keep dating him.  He was so passionate, that I was intrigued.  He was very loving, attentive, thoughtful, charmismatic, and creative (all things I was very attracted to).  However, he was also very insecure, often had panic attacks, and seemed to be having an internal struggle, or dialogue that was intense.  If I was not smiling, or something was bothering me, he would press me about "what was wrong."  If the answer was that had anything to do with him, or how I felt about something he did, he would automatically get rageful and the discussion would turn into an argument.  He would bring up past issues, and I would forget the whole reason we started fighting (which was usually nothing big).  One time, the argument almost turned violent.  I still did not know what was wrong, but I tried to soften my approach anytime I would try to communicate a feeling.  I could tell he was trying to retain his anger, but it still perplexed me that he was angry about things so small, that could easily be fixed.  In any event, because I did not know what was wrong, whenever we fought like that, I would leave (my mistake).  A month ago, I left and told my family that we were broken up.  I started to google "my boyfriend gets angry" and other symptoms that I saw and found this information on BPD.  I spoke to a couple therapists and they said he likely has BPD.  Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces.  I love him so much, but I know this is for the better.  Anyways, thanks for reading, any input is appreciated.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I endured a relationship of several years with a woman who acted exactly the same as your boyfriend, smellinflowrs.

She lived on the other side of the country, and our plan together was for me to relocate but my boundaries were that she finish her studies first and that we would work towards getting married.  She was a handful; as my visits to spend time with her revealed.  There would always be an argument about something.  I hate arguing; I see it as a waste of time and accomplishes nothing - disagreements should be brought up in a calm fashion, and discussed openly.  Not with my GF.  I chalked up her flying off the handle over trivial things due to her extreme stress levels.  Her family constantly put pressure on her (high expectations and all that) and because we were of different religious faiths, she couldn't tell her parents she was involved with a guy who was not of their religious faction.  Should have taken that as a huge red flag, but, being the optimistic guy, I just rolled on with it.  :)on't get me wrong, there were good times, but something I did, or did not do would set her off out of the blue:

Blowing up at me for accidentally knocking her toothbrush on the floor ("WOW! Germs! My toothbrush is RUINED! Now I have to go out and BUY a new one! Like I have time to do that! Can't you do anything RIGHT?" she'd scream).  Such was a typical day in the life with her.  Oh, and temper tantrums too, like a five year old.  I watched her rage, cry and throw things and thought to myself 'what the hell am i doing'? A grown woman acting out like a toddler who doesn't get their way... .She'd always apologize when I would express my side, and promise to work on her issues.  She never did. One recycle, then I walked away for good, after one of her wishy-washy episodes. She even had the gall to ring me up 6 months later and started to b___ at me after a 2 minute 'so happy to talk to you, how are you?' exchange because she wasted x years of her life,and had nothing to show for it - like it was all my fault.

As bad as that relationship was for me, I came out of it somewhat OK. A lot of her words were in truth emotional abuse, as she could say some very soul-ripping things, but I did care for her.  However, that r/s never prepared me for what was yet to come, a few years later.  She was nothing compared to the next woman that came into my life and rooked me emotionally to the depths I have never experienced.

It reads like you have a good handle on your situation, smellinflowrs.  You, I, and others do not deserve to be whacked around like a pinata by our partners. Find someone better! Don't waste time and more effort on that guy.

I wish you the best!