Need advice on friend with possible BPD son

[jcl76]

Hi.

Thanks in advanced for the advice

I was romantically involved with a girl who we became very close and I became close with her son who has had a rough life, with abuse, cutting, Etc. He has no man in his life and I was told by her that I am the first man that he has trusted. I have BPD and I see myself in him when I was 12 and now I am 39 diagnosed a few years ago.

Well her and I are spilt up and still keep I contact but don't see each other as I travel for long periods of time. Lately she has just trying to make it through the day and barely hanging on, as her sons problems are draining her although she is the most caring mother.

My struggle is I have a very strong desire to help him (and her). I want to share my story about I have come so far and he can too. Her issue is she is very stubborn and it's hard for her to ask for help or comfort and try's to tackle everything on her own.

I am trying to be careful because I still have strong feeling for them and this has caused me to hold myself back from working through my BPD issues, but I am my strongest when I have someone to love and help share my story.

I would love advice, opinions, but most important encouragment.

Thank you all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi jcl76,

I'm sorry your romantic relationship ended  :'( that really hurts. How are you doing? It's really great that you were able to bond with her son, that says a lot about you as a person that you made room for him in your heart.

Do you think it would be hard for you to have her son in your life if she is with someone else? It takes a lot of strength to do that, no matter who you are -- BPD or not -- and it sounds like you're in recovery, working on your own BPD. What is your relationship like with her now? Do you think she would be willing to support you and her son having a relationship? Would she agree to having the two of you do things together?

[jcl76]

Well we are ok. We text. I told her I was praying for them, and she said she appreciates me more than I know.

I told her I would do anything to have an hour with him to share my story since he looked up to and help him understand even I shared his struggles and it took me 30 years to figure it out.

I know she dates mainly to stay busy and figure what she wants. She agreed to see each other in a month when I came home to see if there was that romantic feelings agin, but for now her text are terse.

If she had a relationship with another guy I would have to have a gut check if I could have a relationship with him. My guess is no.

Hi jcl76,

I'm sorry your romantic relationship ended  :'( that really hurts. How are you doing? It's really great that you were able to bond with her son, that says a lot about you as a person that you made room for him in your heart.

Do you think it would be hard for you to have her son in your life if she is with someone else? It takes a lot of strength to do that, no matter who you are -- BPD or not -- and it sounds like you're in recovery, working on your own BPD. What is your relationship like with her now? Do you think she would be willing to support you and her son having a relationship? Would she agree to having the two of you do things together?

[livednlearned]

Would you consider writing her son a letter?

Maybe let his mom know, and even share it with her to make sure she's ok with it. I would think your story could be very powerful to tell, both for you and for her son.

[Butterflygirl]

You have my encouragement. I wish someone nice had come into my life to help me with my son. When he was 5 his therapist said, "You have given away all your power and cannot get it back. Find a husband." He was so wrong and it sent me down the wrong path. I ended up neglecting him more trying to find a father figure for him. Then, I did find someone who turned out to be a pedaphile. Talk about bad luck. Today I believe the therapist was only partially right but that I used his words as excuse to give up. Lot of regrets. I don't have any advice for you, but I just want to commend you for wanting to try. I love to know there are kind people out there. Just remember to be honest with yourself about any hidden agenda and don't cross over from kindness to codependency. Take care of yourself first. That much I have learned from CoDA. Namaste

[jcl76]

Instead of asking to write a letter I am going to wait until I get back and maybe she will let us all hang out and I have the opportunity.

I have givin great thought to the co-dependency topic, and I don't need any recognition or anything I'm return but just hope I can make a difference.

One thing I do suffer from a little is abandoment and when we broke up I did show that and she didn't talk to me for a while which I pushed her away. So, I'm doing some major soul searching to let go of us being romantic again, and just letting go and let be. Let God take control. I have to remind myself that ALL day.

[Butterflygirl]

I really hope it all works out. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your heart is in the right place. If you don't mind me saying, God will guide you.