Moving from Numb to flat out scared

[Mom_on_Eggshells]

DD, 14 has been in therapy of one kind or another for the past 8 years.  :)X's with Autism, ADHD, Major Depression, ODD, Conduct Disorder, with a R/O of Bi Polar and most has BPD.  

She's been through 8-10 therapist, mostly because they don't reach her and suggest she find other treatment.  The latest therapist is trying DBT.

That's all well and good, and hopefully my DD will get it one day.

In the meantime, I'm tired of being shouted at, cursed at, stolen from, lied to and insulted constantly.  Mostly she shouts leave me the F*** Alone, and I do.

Sort term hospitalizations get her stable when she's off her meds.  

I've advocated to get her an IEP,  on the waiting list for Waiver Services,  and I have reams of activities and programs I've offered to her.  She wants to be left alone.  She tells me constantly she doesn't enjoy my company, nor does she want to go anywhere or do anything with me.

So I sit here, reading how other parents are ready to move heaven and earth to get their child help, more help and treatments.  And in my head is the countdown calendar to her 18th birthday.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mom_on_Eggshells]

-(cont)-

Unless something changes, I can look forward to the same behaviors as long as she's under my roof.  I accept that I can't change those behaviors. 

But I have a voice and a choice.  I don't enjoy sleeping with my purse, wallet and car keys.  I don't want to inventory the contents of my wallet whenever I leave the room. 

I've grown exhausted - physically, mentally and financially - from finding solutions, following recommendations, enrolling in and paying for programs, and from repairing or replacing everything.

Any suggestions on how to deal till she reaches the age of majority?

[still_in_shock]

I am so sorry to hear your story. It must be so difficult for a mother to be willing to help her child, but not knowing how else beyond all the possibly known methods she's already doing. One thing I think you should remember, you are doing your best. The best you can and that's within the realm of your possibilities. I truly wish your daughter improves, and that it's also just the impact of adolescence.

May I ask you, please: how/when did you first start to observe that things are not right with your daughter? At what age did she start to manifest different behavior?

My ex husband is uBPD. And i cannot believe his mom doesn't realize that. His whole family seems to not get a clue of his splitting personality. His dad is a bipolar and a horder, and there are other things too.

I once tried to ask his mom what he was like, as a child. And she said "awwww, he was such a quiet, well behaved, adorable little kid". Which was hard to believe given how impatient and energetic and all over the place he is, as an adult. When I shared this same description of his mom with a therapist friend of mine, she immediately exclaimed "typical sociopath child". Then I recalled him telling me that, as a little boy, he loved to hunt for squirrels and birds, and would go kill those with BB guns and bring his mom and ask to cook for him. He said she would never do, but he kept hunting for those and bringing home. As he grew, he loved hunting for deer... As an adolescent he always hunted for those, killed them, butchered and brought home for his mom to cook. This is pretty much all I know about his childhood.

But back to your case, when did you first realize something isn't right?

[js friend]

Hi Mom_on_eggshells,

My dd20 left home shortly after her 17th birthday. Her leaving when she did saved me from a nervous breakdown! I had been counting down the days till her 18th to show her the door (that had been the plan) so i can sympathise with all you are going through.

I wonder if there is a longterm residential place you could try?

[Mom_on_Eggshells]

Her father (by the grace of god, now my X) is most likely an uBPD.  He's not in the picture.  My DD's behaviors and need or constant supervision make any semblance of a social life awkward to say the least.  Over the past year, she's been hospitalized 4x.  Remaining employed is difficult.  There's no family involvement.  We're pretty much on our own.  

7-8 years ago, in AlAnon, I learned of BPD.  My X and my daughter meet every criteria.  Thinking back, from the time she could talk, she expressed emptiness, everything was black and white.  She has no close friends, no real interests.  She binge eats, frequently leaving me with nothing to eat.  She takes things (food, money, my clothing, ... .)  Her outbursts are more frequent and intense.  

I do have weekly individual therapy for my PTSD, but I've been told that as long as I'm in a situation where I am retraumatized,  it's going to be difficult.

[Mom_on_Eggshells]

I wonder if there is a longterm residential place you could try?

We're on a waitlist for wraparound services.  Residential treatment comes after.

[js friend]

HI again mom_on_eggshells,

Her father (by the grace of god, now my X) is most likely an uBPD.  He's not in the picture.  My DD's behaviors and need or constant supervision make any semblance of a social life awkward to say the least.  Over the past year, she's been hospitalized 4x.  Remaining employed is difficult.  There's no family involvement.  We're pretty much on our own.   

... .She binge eats, frequently leaving me with nothing to eat.  She takes things (food, money, my clothing, ... .)  Her outbursts are more frequent and intense. 

I do have weekly individual therapy for my PTSD, but I've been told that as long as I'm in a situation where I am retraumatized,  it's going to be difficult.

My dd would often help herself to my things too often rifling through things in my room without asking which used to drive me up the wall.!  My dd has a strong sense of entitlement and often doesnt believe she needs to ask for first. I honestly think she has a fear of hearing the word "no" . My dds behaviour was at its worse 15yo -17yo and nothing i did was right for her at the time. She also used to say that she didnt want to do anything with me or be around me so i really appreciate what you are going through.Try not to take what she says personally.I believe that pwBPD often say these things to justify their own behaviour.My dd used to make out that i was literally a witch to her friends to justify staying out late and doing other things knew that she shouldnt have been doing.

Those were the hellish years that i dont know how we all lived  through but i can tell you that although my dd still has her moments,  she has calmed down considerably now

Boundaries will help to stop you feeling so scared and your home life so out of control m_o_e. They are there to protect us and not there to punish or threaten your dd with even though she may interprete them in that way.You could start with addressing the name calling.This is  abuse.If you were heard speaking to your dd like that you would be in big trouble by now.! Tell your dd  that you will no longer put up with it. You may decide to leave the room if she starts to abuse  you. Tell her that you will end the conversation if you are on the phone with her. The same goes for taking things without your permission. Remind her that "we must ask for permission before taking others things".The "we" includes all of you. I made it part of the houserules so it applied to all my children and that way dd didnt feel picked on or singled out. It was also easier that way to remind her if it was written down and i could refer her back to the houserules.As for keeping your purse and valuables safe have your thought of buying a small safe or putting a lock on your bedroom door. My dd never stole money or anything valuable from my home but i still didnt want her just going through my things when it suited her and I did consider putting a lock on my bedroom door. Your dd's eating disorder needs to be addressed by a professional and I hope she will get the help she needs soon.

It is good that you are getting some support through counselling. Have you any close friends or family that can support you too.? Parenting a child with emotional problems is not an easy road.Try to do more for yourself outside your home and away from your dd.If she doesnt want to do things with you that is ok. Most teenagers dont want to do things with their parents... .so that bit is natural imo.Try not to let it get you down too much. Have a break from it all if you can. Go for a walk, sit in a park... .anything... .just to get some peace... .I know that it is difficult when we seem consumed BPD and all it has to offer, but try to have a break from the stress.

[inkling16]

-(cont)-

Any suggestions on how to deal till she reaches the age of majority?

Does your therapist do DBT? Those skills are useful for everyone involved. Learning about the concept of radical acceptance transformed my ability to deal, though it is extremely difficult and I am still working on it. Learning about setting boundaries was also quite useful. We were doing some of that instinctively anyway, but having a formalized concept of it really helped.

Our daughter was at her most difficult to live with when she was 12-14. One day she hit me, and I think that was the point at which her rage stopped being expressed outwardly and turned inward. After that it was easier to have her around (slightly--maybe difficult in different ways), but she spiraled into a really serious depressive, self-destructive state whose depth we were not aware of because she isolated herself from us almost completely. She had three months of residential treatment when she was 16, following her first suicide attempt and her first inpatient stay, and it really made a huge difference. If I had it to do over again, I would have had her stay there as long as possible rather than giving in to her pleas to be out in time for the beginning of the school year. I don't think her diagnosis is as complicated as your daughter's, though.

One thing I'll say--nothing we have suggested has ever worked without her buying in. She requested to go to the hospital, and she agreed to residential treatment because she knew she needed help. She agreed to see a psychiatrist afterward because she knew that the meds helped. She agreed to see a therapist because we found one she got along with. She agreed to boarding school because she knew she had to finish high school in order to have any shot at a normal life, even though she kept threatening to drop out and just made it through by the skin of her teeth. But we know better than to ask twice if she says "no" to something that we think would help.

She's doing much better now at 19--not out of the woods by any means, but at least she has a sense of what she needs to do. The main thing I worry about now is that she'll give up on herself, but now that she has graduated from high school and has that weight off her back, I am worrying slightly less.

When she was 14 or 15, we heard a lot about how she'd be out of here the day she turned 18, but we stopped hearing it as 18 drew near. So whether you do or don't want her to leave, don't count on her wanting to when the day comes.