sweet girl turned into a devil

[janpiet]

Hi everyone,

I`ve read a lot on this forum, I just can`t stop obsessing about my ex and replay all crazy things and conflicts that happend and what actually triggered them.

I just wanna close this chapter in my life, and continue my own life, I had so much pain and im just wasting my time on someone who is not even worth it, I hope by sharing my story Ill get some good personal advice, and atleast I shared it with people who know what I have been through, as all other people around me are just saying: ``she is crazy, forget her``

Ill give a quick intro on how we met and what happend during this relationship, 2 months ago I wanted to make a topic here and ask: is she borderline or not?

But with recent events, im not doubting that anymore... .

So I met this girl on my holiday, out of nowhere she just came to me and my friend when we were at a club, and gave her number and walked away... .she was together with her sister, and they were looking really good. So ofcourse the day after we gave them a ring, they were both stunning, really really beautiful. We couldnt believe what was happening, they wanted to go out everytime, be with us and I was already suspicious at that time, geesh, im i so goodlooking or attractive? After I had to go back to my own country, she was devastated, we called for 2 weeks, and decided we just had to meet. I invited her over to my country, the Netherlands, she herself, is from Russia. She asked me if I could pay for her ticket, because she was short. I really liked the time before with this girl, and she was really good looking so I thought, why not! She came over, and we spend 3-4 days in Amsterdam, I had the time of my life, all day long we were smiling, drinking, dinning, shopping. After we decided to move to an appartment of her dad that was empty in Prague, the fun continued, I had this hot girl, who was friendly and attentive, wanted to have lots of sex and really seemed to care and loved me after just a couple of weeks. I felt like I found my dream girl... .we didnt have any conflict or bad moment the first 2 weeks. But then the first incident happend, her mom came back from her holiday, she asked me if I could pay her mom for staying here? I was like, what the heck, I have been paying everything for you the last 2 weeks, dinner, clothes, travels, and now you wanna charge me for staying here? Do you think im gonna charge you if you stay at my parents place? she walked away, I continued my work on laptop, some minutes later she comes back, she grabbed my stuff aggressively put it in my suitcase, took that same suitcase, sprinted downstairs and threw it out of the door outside very angrily, I thought what is going on here? I told her, can you respect my stuff please, you ok? She started crying and went upstairs again to her mom, I thought to myself, this is some strange ___, I immediately checked for flights and was just laughing at this, god i wished i just walked away in that moment, but she came back after 30min, normal and calm again, and we had sex after as well and just went to dinner like nothing happend and I was happy she was smiling again. We stayed 2-3 weeks in Prague, but i started to think to myself, wow this girl really drinks a lot, we were going out every night, but she started to drink already in the morning or early noon, she is doing art painting as her profession. When we went out, I drank only 2-3 cocktails, she did easily 7-8 without getting even drunk, while I began the day with a glass of milk, she usually began with a glass of white wine. Also i noticed she has no self esteem, and more incidents started to happen, like she thought her sister was flirting with me while we were at the cinema, she became very angry with her sister, spoke bad to her and basically drop her for dead in the middle of the city like she didnt mean anything for her. Or when i was too late to enter a restaurant to get a burger, but could take a take away, so i ordered something, instantly the vibe changed: WE are eating on the street, like we are some ___ people from the street... .I just ignored it and fixxed the situation as usual. We left Prague after 2-3 weeks because she couldnt stand the people who live there, so we decided to live with my parents for some weeks, first 2 weeks were excellent and great, no conflicts, she liked it here etc etc  , so i was happy.Then she started to nag to me about marriage, if I didnt marry her within a year, she would leave me... .I said you cant force me into this ___, and I dont want within a year, im very young... .a lot of stress because of this. Then she started nagging to me about living together, I should buy or rent something, I was not sure in this moment, and I told her. I was standing at the other side of the room, she grabbed one of the plates on my desk, and threw it at my face... .I could just dodge it... .instantly she started to cry, and I went to her to comfort her. After this my parents said this drama has to stop right now, I spoke all night with her, and had lots of sex. But the week after she went back to Prague for a week anyway, when I was calling with her, she told me she only came back if i sort a place for us out. Again we had a conflict about this, because i said to her, you are blackmailing me to do something so I can see you again... .but i missed my girlfriend a lot, and didnt have the balls the break it off in this moment, she was really out of my league, so ditching her , i didnt even think about it. So I sorted a place out for us on the Canary Islands. She had what she wanted , and I knew some friends there as well. So the first day, i spend ALL day with her, 5 hours in plane, dinner, etc etc, so i said around 11PM, Im going to meet this friend, ill be back soon. NO i dont want you to leave, im little sick blablabla, but i went anyways, because I spend all days with her already and i got tired of it. After this night, she really changed, normally we had sex everyday, everytime she came up with an excuse, after this event, the devaluation process really hit. She was not so friendly and caring anymore, would go out in the afternoon and stay at a girlfriends place till late, no affection at all and really didnt seem to care that much anymore. Everything i tried, it didnt work, this period lasted 2 weeks. Then some days we had good days again, i bought her some gifts and she seemed happy again, we made love again and i just signed for a new house, then one night, she thought i was flirting with another woman at our table, while we just have the same work... .she distanced herself again, and no affection or communication. She asked me, if she could stay in my house, but we didnt sleep anymore, I refused this ofcourse and said, if you want to leave, please go, I cant live like this anymore. So the day after she left me, just 3 days after i bought a house for us together. I felt horrible and alone, I wanted to fix this and missed her, I wrote her an message the same night, no response, i called her the day after, she answered, if i could leave her alone, and she doesnt want anything from me... .finally after some days she wanted to meet, so we meet, told her, I had to go to London for bussines, and she could stay with her family in my house some days... all good. I went on this bussines trip, but she didnt write me, and on the phone she was very cold. When i came back, the house was empty, the keys were outside, I called her but nothing. After some days I met her again, very cold and distant again, at the end of our meeting she asked me if i could give her some money, i said, we are not together, instantly her face changed to that demon and she left. Since I left to do some bussines for 4 days, she really hated me a lot, i think i triggered her abadonment fears, I couldnt understand this, why did i deserve this hate? while 2 weeks ago you seemed to love me, and make love with me. She was really cold, totally didnt care, she even said you can ___ other girls now, you are ___,  you are boring, I was destroyed, my girlfriend really changed to an demon who could say all these things without remorse. She just left me alone like i meant nothing to her, and for 2 weeks we had no contact and i went back to my country. I was depressed, thinking how can she ditch me so easily , god i was depressed and obsessed, finally after 2 weeks she broke and she wrote me: how are you? i thought wow, after 2 weeks you finally seem to care if im ok... .we started talking, she was happy we started to speak again etc etc, same for me, i was very happy and god was i missing this girl! But I had to go for bussines again away for some weeks, for 4-5 weeks long, we talked daily to eachother, video called 2 hours, and spoke about a future. I was very happy and i just thought she had a bad period some weeks ago. After 4-5 weeks i finally met her again, the first 2-3 days were great, untill i dissapointed her again , because i had no time to do a holiday with her. Instantly the same thing started to happen, she didnt want to spend time anymore, no affection etc etc, I thought, im done with it. So I broke it off. for 4 weeks we didnt speak or see eachother, i was very depressed and missed her a lot, but i didnt break. After 4 weeks she wrote me, and I was actually happy again that he showed interest again, and we talked good. That same night at dinner she said she has to tell me something, and she started: something inside me change me, i go: ARE YOU PREGNANT? she: yes im pregnant. I started to freak out, walked out of the restaurant, and went crazy, how is this possible? did she lie about anti conception to me? am i going to be a father? I went back inside, instantly she told me: I slept with another guy. Again I was totally destroyed, WHAT, WHO, WHEN? While I was in London, she slept with another guy, just 1 week after our breakup/time out when i tried to fix things and even gave her my house. She told me she was very alone and unhappy in this moment, drank a lot and it was my mistake, because i left to London and left her behind. So now the girl that I love(d)?, is pregnant of another men, and she kept this secret 2 months for me... .while going out with me, im so disgusted by this and feel so so stupid for not stepping out earlier on when all the red flags were there. How can you do this to someone who you loved and who did so much for you? also this guy she was rebounding with, is a total loser, very ugly, not intelligent, just a complete loser in life, how could he win her over so easily and sleep with her... .im in shock for this, also she doesnt wants to do abortion so she will keep this baby... .she told me that this guy wanted to be with her, and even asked her to marry him, she refused and she told him: I dont love you leave me alone. So basically she is stealing a baby from this men, and the baby won`t have the actual father. She told this guy if he tried to contact her again or do something, she would call the police and say he raped her... .I knew my girl was a little crazy and fun, but recent events really shocked my world... .Now she claims that she loves me, and wants to get back together with me, and make more children... .and she is sorry for her mistake... .If i could please forgive her. I was thinking to myself, she ___ed up: her life, baby life, other guy life, and my life, pretty impressive

Her father abused her when she was little, was an alcoholic abuser and used violence against the whole family. A lot of times im very angry at her, for all the pain that she caused me, but now after reading all this stuff, I understand it wasnt her intention... .she is very damaged. How do I stop caring about her, and feel sorry for her? and just move on with my life, we still talk daily. I dont wanna give in... .she is really trying to lure me back in, and i still miss her a lot. Also i would like to hear from everyone when you read this, from a scale from 1 to 10, how of a crazy borderline is she?

TL:)R: met awesome dreamgirl in beginning, honeymoon was great, started to devalue me and lots of crazy incidents all the way long, cheated on me , became pregnant of her cheat, told me after 2 months.

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome to BPD Family. You have come to the right place. There are so many red flags in your story it's just incredible - and you ignored them all just like we did.

I would suggest it doesn't matter where she sits on a scale of 1 to 10. We don't know, we are not qualified to diagnose just as you are not qualified to help her.

You need to know that you could have been anybody. The "ugly guy" that got her pregnant didn't "get her" through anything that he did... .she got him, just like she got you. Think of your first meeting... .she does that all the time and finds her suckers like that. If you weren't sitting at that table, she would have given her phone number to whichever guys were sitting there. It has nothing to do with what a great guy you are... .it has to do with the fact that you are a male and that you can probably be manipulated and controlled.

You also need to know that love had nothing to do with this. She had no love for you at all and she has done this before. A beautiful girl that is ready to settle down and start a family and she is still single? Come on - how is this possible? It's possible because everyone else was smart enough to walk away when they saw this behaviour. And the ones that didn't walk away quietly were threatened with an allegation of rape as you have already pointed out. Don't underestimate these people - do you want to be in jail for a false allegation of rape? Do you think you will be able to travel to other countries if you have such a conviction on your criminal record? What will that do to your reputation? Your family's reputation? They are very convincing liars and they will do whatever they need to do to get their own way and destroy you - be careful. I have been arrested by the police twice for doing nothing - if I had no witnesses I would have been in jail today.

If you didn't call her the next day, the other guys she earlier gave her phone number to would have called her and this would have been someone else's nightmare. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time (for you) or in the right place at the right time (for her).

You can spend a lot of time reading the resources here to understand it but you didn't get too hooked. Save your time , block her from your telephone and online and move on. Marrying a woman pregnant to another man? What would your parents think of you? Are you that stupid or that much of a loser that you would fall for that? You don't sound stupid. Put it behind you and move on. Don't be a sucker.

Good luck young man.

[Silveron]

Aussie is completely right.  She cannot and is not capable of giving you the necessities in a relationship/ marriage.  She will take to the point that you are completely drained and then walk away with a smile on her face.

You cannot make her 'see the light' or 'fix her'.  Sadly she is damaged because of her past abuse, however her abusing is just as bad as the abuse she received.  At least you found out early, mine hid it until after I married her.

She sees you as black and white.  White if you keep her happy, black if you don't.  People with BPD don't have the ability to feel and think 'Well, I disagree with you but I still love you'.  It doesn't work that way with them.  They have a immature teenager mentality and if you don't make them happy then there are others out there that will.  A lot of BPDs don't have loyalty to their spouses, it's what they can get out of them that matters.

IMO you need to go no contact with this girl, she knows how to play you and will continue to do so.  The only way to win this game is to not play it.  Trust us, you cannot fix her, you can't make her better.  She is a lost soul.  Abuse does this.  The only way she can help herself is to go to counseling but I can guarantee you that is something she won't do or stay with it if she does.

[janpiet]

Thanks Aussie0zborn and Silveron for your replies, on one side its very confronting to read this, on the other side its good when im doubting myself and this whole story, i just read it again and i feel less blame for this relationship faltering, because I did that so much before. Im so shocked im affected by a person that much and so so hurt. Getting pregnant of someone else, don`t tell me for months, and tell this guy to ___ off with a false allegation of rape, everyday I think back about this, my mind won`t just accept its her who did all of this. Im normally never an emotional person, never cry, I have maybe cried 50-60 times since our break-up. So much anger and hate and disbelief sometimes... .but also love and care, did the same person I met originally really did this to me? So loving and caring and kind, waited 2-3 weeks to sleep with me, i suspected nothing like this at all. Its very scary to realize she was like this all along, the same person i shared so many fun and loving times with. I just get tired of my own mind, what if I didnt trigger those abandoment fears? what if i was more caring, what if i could fix her. What if she really loves me now? Is it all manipulation and always just about her needs? A lot of times i felt like her love was superficial, if you do X or Y i love you or I have sex with you, if you don`t , i start to paint you black and don`t sleep with you and start to distance myself. When Aussie wrote about the fact that I could have been anybody, that got me thinking... .I remember she was texting with a guy when we just met, this guy didnt want to buy her a pair or shoes or something, and she just discarded him( another red flag ignored from my part) and started with me. Also the guy who got her pregnant, he was just randomly available because he was at the same place were she was staying, she was just feeling bad and used him for ego boosting and rebouding I think, it was not about this guy at all, she even admitted to me it was not about this guy.

``You also need to know that love had nothing to do with this. She had no love for you at all and she has done this before.`` but she is not doing this on purpose correct? In her mind, she think she loves me, infatuation and idealization?

``She cannot and is not capable of giving you the necessities in a relationship/ marriage.  She will take to the point that you are completely drained and then walk away with a smile on her face.`` Once again, she is not purposely trying to drain me, and then walk away with a smile on her face right? Im not trying to talk her behaviour good, im just wondering about the level of ``evilness`` of these people.

Im very sorry to read about both the stories of you guys, I was just a couple of months with her, and was damaged so much already, I can`t imagine what you guys must have been through... .Im quite happy now that the relationship didnt last very long, and I didnt get too hooked.

Really these people should be labeled, if you don`t know anything about disorders and red flags, they can really mess up up your life, i`ve felt for months that im in a tv soap that just never ends. Im feeling really sorry for the next guy that she will bring in for playing the victim and creating all sorts of lies how everyone abandoned her and mistreated her, I have actually no doubt that she will even lie to her future child how everything happened.

Thank you guys so much for your replying, It really means a lot to me to speak with people who have been through the same, no one else can relate.

[janpiet]

Anyone?

[SummerStorm]

You asked if she is doing this on purpose.  If she really is BPD, she has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old.  :)oes a 3 year old do things on purpose?  Not really.  He or she does them because they've gotten a reaction before, whether it's good or bad.

I watched a few videos today on YouTube, from a woman with BPD.  She said that she knows that she searches out nice guys because she can control them, and she feels bad about it, but it's all she knows.  Now, she has been in therapy for about 9 months or so and is very aware of her behaviors and why she does them, unlike an undiagnosed or untreated pwBPD, who may be convinced that everyone else is crazy.  She also said she feels bad for all of the guys she's dated.  In another video, she answered questions from her subscribers.  One asked if she'd ever been in love.  Her response was something like, "Lots of times, but was it really love?  I don't know.  I don't trust myself." On the topic of sex, she admitted that it has nothing to do with love for her; she can't see the connection.

One thing that really got me is that she posted two videos that were shot on consecutive days.  In the first one, she is just in a foul mood, ranting about everything---the weather, her tooth, her pulled muscle, her therapist, etc.  In the second one, shot the next day, she is upbeat, talking about how she was up early that day and how nice the weather is. No major complaints at all in the second video.

If she is still struggling with this 11 months after hitting rock bottom and 9 months after being in therapy, think about someone who isn't in therapy.  

pwBPD have a hard time understanding the consequences of their actions and understanding how their actions affect others.  Mine discarded me in June and then sent me a card 6 weeks later, telling me she hopes I've had a lovely summer, gardening and such.  I've spent most of the summer in bed or on these forums, trying to heal from all of the ways she hurt me.  She would tell me one day that she just wanted to be friends and then couldn't understand why I would be so upset the next day.

A pwBPD's love is childlike, can change like the wind, and ultimately isn't mature enough to sustain a mature, adult relationship.  I do think mine loved me, in her own way.  Now, we were friends for months before we were anything else, and intense idealization didn't really start until about 2 months in.  So, she had some sort of love for me, just like I have love for people I've known a long time and my students.  My best friend from college always signed the cards she sent with with "Love, Ashley." Was it some kind of intense love?  No, of course not.  We were just friends, and she is straight.  But it was a friendly love that developed from years of working together, hanging out, and getting to know each other.  

If you want to watch the videos I watched, go to YouTube and search The Borderline Life.