Another failing relationship with a BPD woman

[Atlasdespair]

Hello everyone,

I'm totally new here and just discovered this website out of despair. I'm a french guy switching between the US and France. I've been in a tormented relationship with a BPD woman for almost 3 years. I never experienced this before. It started with intense jealousy crisis out of nowhere. I had a hard time dealing with her behaviors and still cope not to get angry as well I confess as she knows how to tease and push my buttons until the point of rupture each time I try to cool things down. She's never recognized the fact that she could be a BPD and never have been officially diagnosed. This relationship has driven me crazy and exhausted and we only had intense down moments for the past months. She's now pregnant and will deliver in 5 months. After years of anxiety and stress I've been diagnosed recently myself with a hypothyroidism and still try to recovering between this and the past violent arguments. I already have a beloved 12 years-old daughter in France who has been and still is a subject of jealousy, just like my ex. Of course she'll never admit all of this. And I admit I'm exhausted, lost and confused because of this catch 22-relationship. Anything I tried was thrown back to my face as "not enough" and the worst part is that she'd never admit it and always say I'm the one being projecting. Anyway, I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm torn because I would like to be present for my child-to-be and right now there's no solution about being around my partner (or ex-partner) without argument and exhaustion. Added to the fact that the regular travelling, jet lag, the culture difference aren't helping either with the energy... .(arguing in a foreign language is twice exhausting)

Thank you for your insight and advice and for this website.

[Daniell85]

hypothyroidism will really slow you down. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Maybe as you get your health stabilized, you will get back some resilience to handle what is obviously a difficult situation.

You are currently broken up? Or it's all kind of up in the air right now?

I am on the staying board, and I don't have a lot of advice to offer. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are being heard.

[Atlasdespair]

thank you for your answer @Daniell85... .Things have got even worse and it recently came to physical abuse. I escaped from her, traumatized and shocked, not knowing what she would be capable of anymore. Of course she wrote me avery long email the day after, explaining how I triggered it and how everything was my fault since the very beginning. The baby is coming in november and I'll probably won't be there for the birth... .

[OnceConfused]

First of all, you are now in a very difficult situation because of the incoming baby.

Now, the strategy is not to fight back but to use the basic concept of JUDO. Judo teaches that you don't use force to counter force but your use their force to take them down. The more you try to argue with BPD the more you get into a circular argument because BPD will not accept your position and thus the argument will ead to no where but frustration.

The strong wind will break a tree but only bend a blade of grass. See yourself as being that blade of grass.

In the similar strategy, be NOTHING like the air. What happens when you punch the other person and the other person just simply steps away from your punch. You end up punch the empty air, right? Guess who will be hurt, you or the puncher? Of course, the puncher will hurt herself after a while for punching hard into NOTHINGNESS.

Since  you cannot get away or leave, then be NOTHING is the next counter defense.  So when she writes you an email, you read it FAST then if it is full of negative then you stop reading it, and DON"T EVEN ANSWER. Next time she abuses you, you just smile (I mean smile) and look her right in the eyes, not saying a word , just smiling. All of the venom from her will be sent right back into her, instead of you. 

[Atlasdespair]

Thank you @OnceConfused, I know you're right about not replying and I failed so many times at it when you keep hearing the same thing over and over again and when it seems SO unfair... .

I didn't answer her last email because it was negative and blaming and accusing again. Reproaching for me not to have been there when she "needed me" but reproaching too for me to be here with my "negative vibes"... .Neverending problem that drives you crazy... .

Anyway, no news at all for the past 4 days. She called her mother for rescue and I'm still worried and concerned about the strategy to take about my incoming baby... .Especially as she is in NYC and I'm in France... .

[js friend]

Hi Atlasdespair,

I just wanted to reply to your post as my dd is udBPD and has 2 small children and I really feel it for you. I totally your understand your dilemma.

My dd20 has put her ex through a lot just to see his children. Even I have a hard time as their GM as  Iam often accused of not doing enough or not doing   it when she demands it!)

I think that you were right not to respond to her email. Responding to all the accusations ends up just wearing us down.Try to Avoid the circular arguments by using JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). Using Jade is crucial to giving ourselves time and space and becoming less reactionary. I have found that using it has also has also improved my own mental health.

Another skill to use is validation. By validating your exes feelings she will more likely be in the frame of mind to listen to what you have to say. Remember to a pwBPD it is the feelings behind the words that count. Yes it is tiring to learn this but I have found that by validating my dds feelings we still are able to communicate more effectively.

Try to stay calm when this girl gets back in touch. Take your time to respond and clearly state what you can and cannot do and will and will not do.You will need to maintain strong boundaries with her so she knows where she stands.

My dds ex had a habit of sending her mixed signals... eg He wanted to take her out for dinner for her birthday although the r/s was over. I advised him against it but he still did it as he wanted to do something nice for.So I asked her how it went the following day. Well true to form dd moaned that bf spent most of the night ignoring her and she had an awful time however sometime after they somehow got together again and concieved another child!



I wish you all the best for the future Atlas. You sound like a really nice guy. From my experience and from what I have witnessed myself it may be difficult to co-parent with this girl but that may be for the future and is not now. So for  now, try to  take each day as it comes and try to look after yourself.

All the best,

jsf

[Atlasdespair]

Thanks a lot @jsf

All these messages and testimonials help a lot. They bring a bit of hope or at least we feel a bit less alone... .

Wishing you all the best as well