It's been 6 months since we broke up-when does the cyberstalking, etc. end?

[sixthsense]

It's been 6 months since things ended with my exBPDgf and things are still pretty weird even though we aren't together. After almost 2 years of trying to make things work, I broke it off for my own sanity and things are weirder than ever. She's stalking me online-home and work-and is behaving stranger than she did when we were together. When we see each other at social places (oddly enough we end up at the same places sometimes) she makes it a point to try and look as though she's ignoring me, but really isn't ignoring me, but won't make eye contact. Things feels as intense as they did when we were together.

I sent her a couple of simple "how's it going" texts to try and make things feel less weird/intense, but she never responded. She's still messing with my head and I hate it!

How long do they hold on after you end it?

SS

[Hadlee]

I'd be interested to know the answer to that too.

My pwBPD was only a friend.  I've had the whole cyber stalking for 8 months.  It's hit and miss when I bump into her - she's either all over me or hides and scurries away.  Going by my last interactions with her last month, she's increased the intensity by intentionally ignoring me whilst trying to get my attention   Mine is stranger than when we were friends too.  It's quite bizarre!

[Yolanda123]

Although I've been separated from my exBPDbf for only 2 weeks and a half, he's been stalking me, coming 3 times in my workplace parking lot after my workday, telling me it was a 'coincidence'... .and I know one time he was there watching but did not come to talk to me.

He seemed different too, strange as you say, almost like he's a different person... .actually I was feeling like I did not know who he was anymore. Weird feeling 

I' d be interested too to hear other people on how long this behavior lasts after the b/u

[rotiroti]

What consists of the Web stalking? Mine stopped completed after I blocked her on everything imaginable. She's an ex for a reasonreason.  I realized that I was reinforcing the behavior by eliciting a response.

For example:

1. Ex stalks you

2. You text to see what's up

Ex thinks stalking you will get you to text

[Aussie0zborn]

Here is the answer to your question... .

What consists of the Web stalking? Mine stopped completed after I blocked her on everything imaginable. She's an ex for a reasonreason.  I realized that I was reinforcing the behavior by eliciting a response... .

You have the power to stop the cyber stalking and its a good idea to block totally. As for face to face situations, maybe you need to remove yourself from that scene that you're both in and find different hangouts for yourself.

[Infared]

NEVER!  

It's their one and only hobby.

[sixthsense]

I'd be interested to know the answer to that too.

My pwBPD was only a friend.  I've had the whole cyber stalking for 8 months.  It's hit and miss when I bump into her - she's either all over me or hides and scurries away.  Going by my last interactions with her last month, she's increased the intensity by intentionally ignoring me whilst trying to get my attention   Mine is stranger than when we were friends too.  It's quite bizarre!

Hadlee, let's do a fact check to ensure we're not talking about the same girl!  It has to be a BPD thing because there have been times when my ex and I have crossed paths at work and she drops her head and scurries away. The last time she did this she was walking with her manager and when she saw me walking toward them, she dramatically dropped her head and quickly scurried away leaving her manager a few paces behind. It was so dramatic that it irked me! It was very bizarre. It was like a little kid running from an adult stranger.

We have not had verbal words, but exchanged emails pertaining to work a few times. Short and sweet. We were in a meeting together and she didn't acknowledge me at all or look in my direction. But if I am on her floor for a meeting or whatever, if she hears my voice she goes out of her way to walk nearby and catch a glimpse and then pretend to ignore me when I look at her.

I'd say her mental faculties have deteriorated somewhat since the break up because from what I've read they are used to routine and consistency. I'm guessing that the break up has thrown her a bit off center... .and her emotions and impulsions are all over the place. This disorder is no joke... .it saddens me to see her in such a state of panic or whatever it is... .but I'm trying to hold on to my own sanity, but right now she's not helping at all!

Sigh

sixthsense

[once removed]

sixthsense,

i think the important thing to identify here is your wants. do you want no contact or limited contact?

pwBPD struggle with object constancy. this might explain her behaviors, or not. she may be watching you on social media in order to better recall you, albeit at a safe distance. she may struggle with seeing you in person in a similar way. same may apply to her mixed reactions at work. she may be struggling to recall who you are, but seeing you in person is an overload.

hope this helps.

[sixthsense]

NEVER!  

It's their one and only hobby.

Infared, I don't want to think that way, but it does look like "NEVER"! Ma'aaaan... .the intensity is fierce! I'm beginning to feel engulfed!

Aussie, I'm thinking she's put some kind of tracking device on my car!   These aren't necessarily  places we've been to together. I've been trying to take the high road in terms of the cyber stalking... .it's harmless so far. She's been in such a tizzy since the break up, that if cyber stalking me soothes her ... .let her have at... .

rotiroti, You are dead on about reinforcing bad behaviors--why do I feel as if we're talking about children and pets rather than grown women?   Anyway, my ex doesn't even respond to the texts... .a control thing I guess... .

1. Text ex

2. No response from ex

Ex thinks she's in control

Bizaar! I just want to go back to the normal "non" life  I had before I met my ex... .it seems so far away, right now.

Ugh

sixthsense

[sixthsense]

sixthsense,

i think the important thing to identify here is your wants. do you want no contact or limited contact?

pwBPD struggle with object constancy. this might explain her behaviors, or not. she may be watching you on social media in order to better recall you, albeit at a safe distance. she may struggle with seeing you in person in a similar way. same may apply to her mixed reactions at work. she may be struggling to recall who you are, but seeing you in person is an overload.

hope this helps.

Whoa Once Removed!  I just had an overwhelming feeling of sadness for her struggles.  Are you saying that she doesn't remember or recall me? Can you elaborate on object constancy, please? Thanks!

sixthsense

[once removed]

sorry sixthsense, didnt mean to trigger you there though a struggle with object constancy is a sad thing  

for starters, im not being absolute here; im not suggesting this person forgets you exist.

this article may explain it better than i can:

"https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship"

object constancy is something developed very early in our lives. its consistency or lack thereof, is not personal, it just helps to explain what some of us might experience. personally, i remember i spent several weeks apart from my ex; when i saw her, she told me she had fallen in love with me all over again. i think that was based on a lack of object constancy; it made me curious at the time. it doesnt mean she didnt remember that i existed, as i was contacted plenty during that period. im using the term "recall" very loosely. "recall" as in, a consistent sense of who you are and what you mean to her.

most of us, when we experience feelings of loneliness, we "recall" mental images of loved ones to soothe that loneliness. a pwBPD struggles with this. i found i was unable to soothe my exes loneliness over the phone. i could tell she was starting to cry when shed hang up no matter what i said, even if i reminded her how i wanted to marry her, and that shed have a husband some day. it didnt fully register, yet i suspect hearing my voice soothed her on some level, in that moment. if i was physically in front of her, this sense of loneliness never came up, although it may for some. it is sad, and its okay to feel sadness for their struggles.

this struggle with object constancy may play out in any number of ways. i think the fact that shes following you closely, while struggling when she sees you in person, may speak to that.

[JRT]

sorry sixthsense, didnt mean to trigger you there though a struggle with object constancy is a sad thing  

for starters, im not being absolute here; im not suggesting this person forgets you exist.

this article may explain it better than i can:

"https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship"

object constancy is something developed very early in our lives. its consistency or lack thereof, is not personal, it just helps to explain what some of us might experience. personally, i remember i spent several weeks apart from my ex; when i saw her, she told me she had fallen in love with me all over again. i think that was based on a lack of object constancy; it made me curious at the time. it doesnt mean she didnt remember that i existed, as i was contacted plenty during that period. im using the term "recall" very loosely. "recall" as in, a consistent sense of who you are and what you mean to her.

most of us, when we experience feelings of loneliness, we "recall" mental images of loved ones to soothe that loneliness. a pwBPD struggles with this. i found i was unable to soothe my exes loneliness over the phone. i could tell she was starting to cry when shed hang up no matter what i said, even if i reminded her how i wanted to marry her, and that shed have a husband some day. it didnt fully register, yet i suspect hearing my voice soothed her on some level, in that moment. if i was physically in front of her, this sense of loneliness never came up, although it may for some. it is sad, and its okay to feel sadness for their struggles.

this struggle with object constancy may play out in any number of ways. i think the fact that shes following you closely, while struggling when she sees you in person, may speak to that.

I have been reading this thread with great interest as there was some overlap with my situation. Mine is also stalking me on social media and I highly suspect that she has been making 'silent calls' to me on a daily basis so the discussion about 'object constancy' really resonated for me.

She and I had recycled several times during our relationship and during each episode, the reconciliation was an almost identical process to the time before. After we re-engaged she would tell me the exact same thing; where she was enraged at me when we were separated and even when we had discussions on the phone. But immediately when she saw me in person, the episode ended then and there immediately and the relationship continued exactly where it left off.

Conscious of this and, ostensibly believing it to be a liability or personal weakness, she has built barriers to any form of contact so thorough that it is impossible to make contact.

I can see how as OR points out that for her, this form of indirect contact is in lieu of speaking to me or seeing me of which would result in emotional overload.

Question for you OR: do you feel that this is permanent? Does if ever relent?

[once removed]

i should also point out, and partially correct myself, that in fact, everyone struggles with object constancy on some level. for example, there are people no longer in my life, but that i remember my interactions with, that i have trouble visualizing them, seeing their face. relatively speaking, thats natural. a pwBPD tends to display this struggle consistently throughout relationships, and it may be taken to a greater extreme. a pwBPD has an unstable sense of self, and an unstable sense of who we are; that can play out in a multitude of ways, including but not limited to splitting.

"But immediately when she saw me in person, the episode ended then and there immediately and the relationship continued exactly where it left off."

similarly, i did something that legitimately hurt my ex. there was a broad swing between "i forgive you" "i want to talk to you on skype" and "you really hurt me, i dont want to see or talk to you", in the same interaction. when i finally saw her in person, i was alarmed; she seemed to forget the whole incident.

"Question for you OR: do you feel that this is permanent? Does if ever relent?"

well, by nature its not permanent if you struggle with object permanence. sure it relents, in the stories of members who profess going from black to white, or vice versa, in your story of indirect contact, or in others stories of direct contact. it relents in our stories of the heartfelt apologies we received during the relationship, after being on the receiving end of rage. and of course, pwBPD are not all one in the same, and it varies; how much is impossible for me to say.

[JRT]

I guess the bigger question, and pardon my hijack, is way after 6 months (9 months for my ex) would they still be cyber stalking? I realize that they never fully detach... .but mine appears to have no replacement. What are THEY thinking when they do things like this?

[sixthsense]

sorry sixthsense, didnt mean to trigger you there though a struggle with object constancy is a sad thing  

for starters, im not being absolute here; im not suggesting this person forgets you exist.

this article may explain it better than i can:

"https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship"

object constancy is something developed very early in our lives. its consistency or lack thereof, is not personal, it just helps to explain what some of us might experience. personally, i remember i spent several weeks apart from my ex; when i saw her, she told me she had fallen in love with me all over again. i think that was based on a lack of object constancy; it made me curious at the time. it doesnt mean she didnt remember that i existed, as i was contacted plenty during that period. im using the term "recall" very loosely. "recall" as in, a consistent sense of who you are and what you mean to her.

most of us, when we experience feelings of loneliness, we "recall" mental images of loved ones to soothe that loneliness. a pwBPD struggles with this. i found i was unable to soothe my exes loneliness over the phone. i could tell she was starting to cry when shed hang up no matter what i said, even if i reminded her how i wanted to marry her, and that shed have a husband some day. it didnt fully register, yet i suspect hearing my voice soothed her on some level, in that moment. if i was physically in front of her, this sense of loneliness never came up, although it may for some. it is sad, and its okay to feel sadness for their struggles.

this struggle with object constancy may play out in any number of ways. i think the fact that shes following you closely, while struggling when she sees you in person, may speak to that.

Once Removed, Thanks for sharing you story. I appreciate the clarification and the link. No apology necessary. It's a terrible way to live one's life for sure and I can't feel good about her suffering. I was in love with her, not BPD. Aside from the BPD she's great.

Unfortunately, it's something she can't control. She isn't one to rage outwardly or lash out. Her stuff projects inward and leads to severe mood swings and long bouts of silent treatment. But since the break up, I'm seeing another facet of the disorder. Your explanation helps me better understand what I previously termed as bazaar behavior. Not sure if she's trying to hold on to what we shared because she stills has feelings or trying to awaken those feelings.

When she totally disregards me is that because I've become almost like the rest of the people at work to her? She basically ignores everyone... .but I just get the added bonus of emotion/intensity.

Thanks again.

sixthsense

[sixthsense]

I guess the bigger question, and pardon my hijack, is way after 6 months (9 months for my ex) would they still be cyber stalking? I realize that they never fully detach... .but mine appears to have no replacement. What are THEY thinking when they do things like this?

JRT, Good question. I'm assuming it's because in spite of their behavior they had some kind of intimate connection with us and maybe even loved us in their own unique BPD way. And since it appears that both of our exes haven't replaced us, they are keeping close tabs on us for whatever reason. Although my ex hasn't really put up any barriers to contacting her; however, I did wonder if she had blocked my texts since she didn't respond, but after thinking about it more, I figure she's just ignoring me.

I can still call her, email her, etc., but those would probably go ignored as well as she struggles to retain control in spite of object constancy... .which is ironic because I could also see her ignoring me in person and via text because she's trying to forget me, but then there's the cyber stalking... .it's complicated to say the least. I'm sure Once Removed could speak to this better that I can.

sixthsense

[once removed]

"Not sure if she's trying to hold on to what we shared because she stills has feelings or trying to awaken those feelings."

it could be both. easier for me to say she is struggling with her feelings.

"When she totally disregards me is that because I've become almost like the rest of the people at work to her? She basically ignores everyone... .but I just get the added bonus of emotion/intensity."

the object constancy theory is a guess on my part, based on the conflicting behavior (ignoring you but cyber peeking, etc).

its possible its (also?) immaturity, awkwardness, etc. could be a combination. like you say, this is something she does to others. what that means with regard to you specifically, would be difficult to say.

sixthsense, have you identified what you want from/with this person? does the cyberpeeking bug you? as mentioned, you can block, or not. are you just looking to make an awkward situation less awkward? there are some options there too. is it more? less?

[sixthsense]

Good question Once Removed. Seeing her behavior these past few months has evoked feelings of guilt and empathy. And then the object constancy makes me feel even worse.

I know I need to keep my sanity in check which is why I walked away from the relationship in the first place. And from what I've read, pwBPD have a way of bringing you to your knees if you let them. I'm not going to let that happen, but I just feel bad seeing her this way. She's hurt, but I didn't realize that ending the relationship would spiral her emotions/feelings out of control like this.

Ideally, I'd like to be able to maintain some semblance of amicability between us, but I'm not sure if it is possible at this time. Plus, the few times I've reached out have been ignored--so there. I don't believe getting back together is an option at this time or ever... .so I'm stuck. Being in the same workplace doesn't help either... .

Appreciate your insight and advice... .

[once removed]

i think a place of empathy is a good place to be. it helps us depersonalize the actions and situation, usually keeping anger at a minimum.

"Ideally, I'd like to be able to maintain some semblance of amicability between us, but I'm not sure if it is possible at this time."

it may not be. very useful of you to realize it may be out of your control.

been meaning to comment on your workplace thread; i hadnt yet because i dont have much experience with that situation, and therefore dont necessarily have much advice to offer, but ill offer what i can, probably sometime tonight.

hang in there. youve found a great place to work through this.

[Wastedyears25]

Been out almost 11 months, changed my number, changed my email and rented a PO Box, blocked him everyway I knew how, he now sends snail mail letters to my Mom's house  he does not hear a word from me but that hasn't stopped his pursuit. I keep hoping that he'll meet the next "love of his life" and move on but it hasn't happened yet.

[greenmonkey]

On my People you may know list from last night - was my ex's ex-husband (We have no mutual friends, no groups in common live in different parts of the country)

It is now nearly 8 months since I last saw her, and the weekends are her time to create fake accounts, get other people to check my account - which is on total lock down. Only profile picture/Cover picture can be seen.

It has been the same for the last 8 odd months. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Bit like uBPD never learn from mistakes and repeating the same patterns and expecting a different outcome.

I log every incidence and photograph it, just in case I need it for the future. I myself am so bored with it- but she can do it as long as she wants - as long as she does not change tack and turn up at my house and kick off.

[Hadlee]

Hey Sixthense

I'm a little confused by your story.  In an earlier thread you posted the following:

Hi,

It must be fate that I stumbled unto your site today because I was set to end my 15 month relationship with my carpooler/coworker/friend on Monday. I'm hoping to get clarity and any guidance or insight.

My carpooler and I met at work and starting carpooling together over a year ago. In the beginning, the hour plus ride each way was fun and engaging. We talked about everything from religion to gay politics. I am a lesbian, but never came out to her, but I suspect she is struggling with her sexuality although she has lots of gay friends, but we never discussed our sexual orientation since we both are very private. I think she suspects I am though.

Going by that - there was no romantic relationship?  And the pwBPD isn't aware you are gay.  Is it possible that she is avoiding you due to feeling uncomfortable around you?  If this is a case of unrequited love then it could explain her behavior.  Has she actually been diagnosed with BPD?

Perhaps it's time to stop focusing on your former friend and begin to take care of you

[UserName69]

You need to know what you want. Do you want her back or do you want to move on? If you want to move on you should block any form of communication with her, that means no texting her. I don't think it's possible to have a healthy rs with a pwBPD so the only option that's available is move on. An trust me on this one, if you go back to your exBPD she'll be even worse. I had 14 bu's within 6 months.

Once when she broke up with me I went NC. Within a couple days I recieved a lot of anonymous calls in the early morning. I knew she was the one who was calling me. Later when we got back she denied it.

After she ended it she still wanted to be friends. Now let's be honest I really cant see the point of this, staying friends with an exBPD is a big mistake. I did this before with her and within 2 or 3 weeks she wanted me back. She did stalk me on FB, liking some of my older posts, trying to get my attention etc. Till one day I had enough of all her games and I told her I'm going to date an another girl. She freaked out and caused a whole drama. Yet she still kept stalking me, at this point I really wanted to move on. I met the other girl when my exBPD ended the rs. I thanked my exBPD for treating me this way because of her I met the other girl. She freaked out and blocked me.

So if you really want her to leave you alone you need to move on. Block her from your life, get rid of everything that reminds you of her. Once she's out of your mind go out and date with girls. if your exBPD knows you're dating an another girl she'll freak out and will leave you alone. It's like they want to keep you as a trophy.

[gomez_addams]

My stbx uBPDw left earlier this week.

I nuked my social media account because she "liked" a photo on it.

I'll be changing my phone number in September.  Would do it now, but she mostly e-mails (and I don't answer the phone if it's here or an unidentified number).  Would change it sooner, but I'm traveling home in August to see friends and family.  After that, new number.

Will create a new e-mail address and slowly migrate to it.  I still have too many things tied to the current one (about 10 years old).

She's told me that she'll never rest until I admit to an affair I didn't have.  By the end of the year she'll be stuck sending e-mails that don't get read and letters that don't get opened.

Gomez