How to manage?

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf is high functioning.  He holds a job, pays his bills etc.  Although he does make almost double what I make and I'm expected to share in half the bills.  Last year and this year I paid his taxes in return he is to pay for a family vacation.  So, the tax bills were paid and the family vacation is scheduled and at the end of July.  Recently, he has been using the vacation as a threat.  Telling me my D(9) and I can't go or may not be going.  This trip is just as much mine as his because I paid my 1/2 by paying the taxes.  When I say that his response is well we can fight it out in court.

Yesterday, there was a big blow up about it because I signed myself up for a Sprint Triathalon.  Something for me to do to say "I did it" and force me to work out and loose weight.  My uBPDbf DOES NOT support me, because my working out (about 30-60min. each day) claims takes time away from him.  Although he works out every day, sometimes tice for 30+min. each day.  Also, the Triathalon is about an hour away so I booked us a room the night before and then my race is the next day.  Again a big problem, because it's his weekend and the plans are just about MY race etc.

So, now He's "deciding" whether my daughter and I will be going on the trip.  If he decides against I am out $4800 from paying his taxes over the past 2 years.

[going places]

My uBPDbf is high functioning.  He holds a job, pays his bills etc.  Although he does make almost double what I make and I'm expected to share in half the bills.  Last year and this year I paid his taxes in return he is to pay for a family vacation.  So, the tax bills were paid and the family vacation is scheduled and at the end of July.  Recently, he has been using the vacation as a threat.  Telling me my D(9) and I can't go or may not be going.  This trip is just as much mine as his because I paid my 1/2 by paying the taxes.  When I say that his response is well we can fight it out in court.

Yesterday, there was a big blow up about it because I signed myself up for a Sprint Triathalon.  Something for me to do to say "I did it" and force me to work out and loose weight.  My uBPDbf DOES NOT support me, because my working out (about 30-60min. each day) claims takes time away from him.  Although he works out every day, sometimes tice for 30+min. each day.  Also, the Triathalon is about an hour away so I booked us a room the night before and then my race is the next day.  Again a big problem, because it's his weekend and the plans are just about MY race etc.

So, now He's "deciding" whether my daughter and I will be going on the trip.  If he decides against I am out $4800 from paying his taxes over the past 2 years.

My personal experience w/ a high functioning was this:

The more I gave, the more he took AND resented me for it.

He supported me in NOTHING, but I was to fully support him in EVERYTHING or I was "unsupportive".

He made me feel guilty for doing ANYTHING for me.

He would not allow me to get chickens (I wanted 5) because 'it would take away my time that I should spend with him"... .but he never made time to spend with me.

I had to initiate everything.

In 25 years, he NEVER made ONE reservation for dinner for us.

Only bought gifts on "Hallmark" holidays (all for show; look at how good I am)

When he wanted sex, he would 'poke' me in the butt and say 'you wana do it'... .

This behavior went on for 25 years. It never got better... .it got worse, and worse.

After 25 years of being programmed to 'serve him and not me' I am finding it hard to 'self care' because it's ingrained that "it's selfish".

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce, 11 months since I have seen him.

To God be the Glory, my life gets better, every single day.

[FigureIt]

I am so glad your life is better.  Right now I am trying to get through until probably January.  My D(9) will be in 5th grade in September (not his child) and when that grade is finished she will enter into Middle School which gives me a larger area to purchase a home.  Right now I am getting everything ready, Financially and then boxing things (nothing noticeable) to be prepared.  He has threatened that he will "destroy me" if we do break up, so I am doing everything to protect all that.  

I really don't do much for myself, but not only does he claim I am "Selfish", he attacks me on my parenting claiming I am not there for her either or I make her go with me to the classes.

There is NO working with him on any of this!

I asked him what a compromise would be... .He claimed that any weekend plans that come up for the summer (my family, friends) that I need to agree to not attend.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FigureIt, It sounds like your uBPDbf is good at manipulation, as are most pwBPD.  Suggest you try to be aware when he is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to control your behavior.  It's unhealthy to be coerced into doing things contrary to one's values and feelings.  If you have weekend plans for the Summer w/family & friends, I suggest you attend.  Don't let his threats prevent you from going. 

LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

Hey FigureIt, It sounds like your uBPDbf is good at manipulation, as are most pwBPD.  Suggest you try to be aware when he is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to control your behavior.  It's unhealthy to be coerced into doing things contrary to one's values and feelings.  If you have weekend plans for the Summer w/family & friends, I suggest you attend.  Don't let his threats prevent you from going. 

LuckyJim

You are right! My uBPDbf uses F.O.G. all the time to manipulate.  I happened to see him at lunch and as he was walking out the door he said "You shouldn't have done what you did yesterday!"  So I asked what?  Finally he says "Been gone for 3hrs. on "our" time."  I went to workout then ran some errands.  If I wouldn't have done those things WE would've just sat around the house, I probably would've gone outside and played with the dogs, done laundry, cleaned up etc. But he would have sat in his chair and watched tv.  The same thing he does EVERY Sunday!

[Lucky Jim]

I'm glad you took time to work out and run errands.  Yes, you should have done what you did yesterday!  It is important to set aside time for oneself.  A BPD r/s can be all-encompassing and engulfing.  The thing is, you could be there 24/7 for him and he would still want more attention, due to his own insecurities and fear of abandonment, in my view.  Be careful not to fall into the bottomless pit.  I did, and it's not fun.

LuckyJim

[sugargirl1111]

My xBPDbf kept tellibg me I should take it easyon the workouts, that going to the gim every day wasn't good and so on. So I made it clear that when we first met I was going to the gim everyday and that I wasn't gonna give it up, never ever. After about 6 mobths his comments aboyt me working out stopped.

What did he think, some big muscle guy was gonna take me away from him? WOW

[FigureIt]

I'm glad you took time to work out and run errands.  Yes, you should have done what you did yesterday!  It is important to set aside time for oneself.  A BPD r/s can be all-encompassing and engulfing.  The thing is, you could be there 24/7 for him and he would still want more attention, due to his own insecurities and fear of abandonment, in my view.  Be careful not to fall into the bottomless pit.  I did, and it's not fun.

LuckyJim

I have been feeling much better after working out daily.  I am muscle sore sometimes, but I'm loosing weight and feel good. 

BUT, it is never ending with my uBPDbf.  This weekend my D9 was home and she had an appt. for an hour that I took her too, then got some groceries (even a gift for my bf's friend) then I swam laps (about 20min.) and AGAIN he was mopey and depressed because we were gone.  And that night after the party we were at and he was drinking he started with I'm not there for him.  I'm obsessed with working out and loosing weight, all because of this Triathalon. It's just never ending!

It is SOO exhausting!

Funny thing the next day... .He works out, we have brunch with my parents, then he goes for a run, then at his parent's he's checking the food labels for calories and fat.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, FigureIt, I suggest you keep doing what you are doing.  If you give in to his demands, as I did in a marriage to a pwBPD, you end up with little left of yourself.  I gave up the things that brought me joy and caught h*ll for spending time w/family and friends, to the point that I forgot who I was for a while there, which is no fun, believe me.  Suggest you avoid following my example, as it leads to a loss of self, which is a terrible place to be.  Yes, a r/s with a pwBPD is exhausting.  Is it worth it for you?  Only you know what is right for you.

LuckyJim